Fil moved on too quick?

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Mil died a 14 months ago. Fil has found someone else and is all loved up. The woman is my mums neighbour. I took him to social club as I was worried he was lonely and miserable. So now he's in love with neighbour. Sil is really unhappy moved on too quick ect. I said I feel stuck in middle, I like neighbour, I dont want Fil unhappy. I went out my partner didn't want to go, he's OK with his dad being happy but doesn't want to see it. I get it. Event at social club, seemed very loved up even I felt a bit uncomfortable. My child was sad at seeing her grandad moving on so quick. I feel stuck in middle.

Often it simply isn't love or anything like it. It's an ignorant lazy old man who either can't or refuses to look after himself, who has found an absolute mug woman willing to be his new mummy. Quite frankly, it makes me vom. 🤮

What an unpleasant thing to say.

I would say its his own choice and not anyones business.

Its a lot to go through when you loose someone, and its up to your FIL to know when he is ready. You being uncomfortable is a you problem. Let him find his own feet and seek his own happiness. If this is too much for you then perhaps get a life of your own? I dont see a problem with this at all. They are lucky they found one another, or do you need him to make sure you are comfortable with him moving on in his life?

I've seen it in action many times.
If he's found love and they're both happy, then fine, I take it back and apologise, but it's very common.

I read once bereaved spouses should allow a month for each year the couple were together. I've been married for 39 years, and it seems about right to me!

Statistically with men the happier they were in their marriage the quicker they move on.

However, there’s no right and wrong timescale. If your FIL is happy and it’s all genuine (ie he’s not just looking for a housekeeper and the woman isn’t just hoping he’s a wealthy widow) then over a year isn’t that surprising a timescale.

DH and I married 5 years after he was widowed. We met 2.5 years after and got together 3 years after. His two closest friends from a widows group both remarried - one after 6 months and one after 18 years, everyone is different.

Not necessarily. Someone I know was a carer for years for his wife who had profound ill health. He did absolutely everything for her and put everything aside to put her first. She died a few months ago. He's met someone else and seems very happy. I'm happy for him quite honestly. He loved his wife very much and although he said little about how he felt and never complained the last few years must have been very hard for him.

How nasty. Life is short. While it may be hard for others he should take this chance at happiness. Loneliness can be crippling, especially after a happy marriage.

My friends Dad was dating within 12 weeks, it’s typical of men and whilst those widowed don’t have to remain alone there is a definite pattern with men jumping in to relationships very quickly.

Fair enough, that's lovely. Perhaps my first reply was overly cynical.

It’s ridiculous for anyone to try to set rules for how people should respond to the death of a partner. It just doesn’t like that. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve and there’s no right or wrong way to move on. And to be honest, ‘move on’ is a misnomer. People don’t just leave their love for their dead spouse behind when they meet someone else.

Thanks, yes, I've admitted above that my first reply was overly cynical.

men always move on quicker then women do

Sadly that’s often just what men do. As soon as the funeral is over they’re looking for the next one. Some of them wait only weeks rather than months. Obviously it’s completely reasonable for their children to be upset and reevaluating what they think of their fathers in these situations.

Tale as old as time. My FIL started dating the fucking neighbour before MIL even died (she had been terminally ill).

He also went from being a very loving and involved father and grandfather to a fucking booze hound who couldn't give a shit about anyone. Just his shitty (younger) girlfriend and alcohol.

I hope he dies alone and sad, he's a piece of shit.

Why should he spend his old age lonely and miserable when he can be happy and in love? His wife is dead, she's not coming back.

@Giftspread I've read it's two years plus a month for every year of marriage when you divorce, to get over the relationship, let alone when they're no longer on this earth any more.

I don’t think it’s age-related. A friend’s mother died in her forties, and her father, same age, went on a weekend course for people dealing with grief a month after her death and got a new girlfriend.

The absolute involvement and judgement from this man's family is really unacceptable. It's up to no one but him when he feels he's ready to be in a new relationship and there's no such thing as "too soon" when it's no one's business but his. If he genuinely feels a connection with someone then that's for him to decide what to do with. Not you.

My dad met someone after 6 months which I really struggled with. He’s very independent and has always done the housework and cooking. But my mum had dementia and the grieving had been done a long time ago
it’s been a few years now and they’re still happily together

What arbitrary shite is that? 2 years plus a month...so it takes over 41 years to get over a 20 year marriage?

Fgs, people are all individuals and feel very differently. If there's a connection with somebody that feels very real and strong, that's absolutely no one's business to be judging as too soon, or wrong or whatever.

In 1840 maybe

@dailyconniptions no, it would be two years plus 20 months. So around 3.5 years. Obviously it's not exact to the day, but rang true for me 🤷‍♀️

After MIL died, FIL was on with her best friend within months, married within 18 months. They'd been married 50 years. I was absolutely shocked how quickly a person could move on. DH & SIL were not happy (especially SIL due to inheritance shifting).

Two years on, I can see he did it for companionship and care (he is unwell). After the funeral, despite protestations from family to help out & visit more often, they didn't, and he was lonely. Now he has companionship, goes out regularly & enjoys what he can of life, instead of wasting away alone.

That seems so sensible. I think the longer a couple have been together the longer it would take to get over loss.