to keep him off school some days at the moment

[tinyyturtle]

hello first post so hope im doing this right

i have 3 boys ds1 is 4 and in reception ds2 is 2.5 and doesnt walk and ds3 is 10 weeks old today

school is about 2 miles away and i dont drive. walking isnt really possible for me as i have mobility problems myself so the bus is the only realistic way of doing it

ds2 technically still fits in a normal buggy but it doesnt support him properly and he kind of slumps to one side. he does have a sen buggy but its massive and its honestly a pain on the bus. half the time theres no space and trying to get on with that plus ds1 and the baby in a sling and bags is a whole thing

bus drivers also dont see it as a disabled buggy they just see a big buggy and expect me to fold it. which is hard because then i have to find somewhere safe to put ds2 while i fold it and hold the baby at the same time which isnt exactly easy

people do tut as well which doesnt help

some mornings its just chaos. if i take the big buggy i struggle getting it on and off and folding it while holding the baby. if i take the normal buggy ds2 just slides about and i feel bad about that

the baby cries a lot on the bus too which makes the whole thing more stressful

so the truth is ds1 has missed a fair bit of school recently. more than id like really. some mornings i just cant face doing the whole bus situation and i keep him home

i know reception isnt technically compulsory but i also know its not ideal for him missing days and i do feel guilty about it

aibu to just keep him off sometimes for now until the baby is a bit older and things settle down a bit or should i be pushing myself to get him there every day even if its a nightmare

im honestly exhausted at the moment and just wondering what other people would do in this situation

These kids are SO close in age, I feel sorry for them as clearly they are suffering the effects of this early on. Op did you not consider any of this before having all these kids?

Ah gross
From what op said it sounds like she has a disability. And that she might have at least two eligible needs.
My hope is that she can get some support with getting the kids to school.

I swear I’ve read this post before!!! And as hard as this sounds you’re going to have to get on with it. It’s tough I know, but you chose this. He has to go to school.

I am sorry that seems very difficult for you , especially with your youngest being such a young baby .

i am not sure if the nature of your mobility means that for example lack of sleep will make everything worse as well . Even if not , I suspect that you won’t be getting lots of sleep at this stage and your ability to cope with even minor issues ( which this is clearly not) will be diminished .

Others have come up with suggestions and here are my thoughts ;

1. in the short term , could you ask a local parent who may be making a similar journey by car to take your eldest at least to school for the start of the day ? They may not want to be tied down to both ways . Do you do both journeys - or is your DH / DP able to help with the home journey . Is there a class WhatsApp group to ask ?
2. I would plan to contact adults services asap to see if they can help with pushing the education department to provide transport for Ds1 . Council budgets are tight and this may take some time . The sooner you start, the sooner you get this hopefully resolved . It may be that they are able to provide financial assistance or transport / to from school . Is there a more suitable pram travel system to meet your needs ?

Your DC3 as they get bigger/ heavier may not be suitable for a sling . I suspect that your mobility will be an issue here as well, the heavier DC 3 gets . 3 . could you contact the bus co directly , to see if they have any suggestions . They require to assist you . I would do so after at least making an initial contact with your council re transport - at least you could say you are trying to resolve this . 4.Can you have a quick word with the class teacher and explain your current difficulties ? Are they able to suggest any solutions ? Re the bus difficulties , would you be able to drop your son off at least in the mornings a bit later , and avoid the school traffic at least one way ? I think it would also be helpful to flag up the situation to them as they can perhaps help / at the very least you will have on record that you have discussed this with them . 5 . Check your local council website / phone them up if you would prefer . What provisions do they have for school transport ? This will be based not just on the child’s need but on the parent’s need / mobility too . Who do you contact ? They will need to assess your needs . Again start this as soon as you can . 6.Are any family members / friends able to help out short term ? Lack of sleep will be exacerbating everything . You seem like a lovely caring mum and I hope that you get things sorted out soon .

Exactly - and should the council pay when there are other solutions? OP’s DH, the child’s actual parent, could change his hours at work so he can drop off, or the child could go to breakfast club - but these are dismissed in favour of relying on the no doubt overstretched council budget. Surely OP and her DH need to take responsibility for getting their own child to school.

It isn’t an acceptable reason to keep him off school. You seem to have resigned yourself to doing something that isn’t even an option.

Maybe contact the bus company and explain the disability buggy and why it cannot be folded. Ask if they can provide a tag and paperwork.

Ask the school and council if there is any assistance available to get to school.

Is there maybe another parent you can get in touch with to take them 1-2 days a week - offer to pay for gas or whatever.

The thing is you have multiple children and must know that school is a compulsory requirement - you have disabilities but continue to have children and that comes with certain responsibilities - so yes you need to grit your teeth and have a chaotic morning and afternoon on the bus to get them there or get your partner to arrange a taxi some mornings to take the pressure off

So when does the child socialise? If she can't get him to school I imagine she isn't taking them to toddler groups etc either.

OP, this isn’t going to get any easier. You’re going to be doing the school run with at least one child in a buggy for another 3 years - and if your 2 year old turns out to have a disability that affects his mobility, you could be doing it with a wherelchair too. If you can’t drive and can’t learn to drive, the only solution is to move closer to school. You say you can’t afford to - I do understand, but the situation is just not going to work long term. There must be an area you can afford to move to that is close to a school, even if it’s not the current school.

It isn't formal at that age. You are just pushing your own agenda though.

If its affordable either a taxi or pay someone to do the school run

If she is too overwhelmed to do forms I can't see how she can home school.

This situation isn’t going to resolve itself. There’s also no easy answer. I have to take my youngest to breakfast club every single morning just to get him to school, he doesn’t like it and it’s expensive but that’s what it is.

You’re just going to have to pick one of the things you say is “impossible”. Or your DH changes jobs and gets more involved.

Could the eldest take the bus with another family? Is there another pupil that lives near you?

Reception does really matter. There is a growing body of research that shows the kids who missed reception in covid were really quite badly affected as a cohort and still struggle with emotional regulation. It really isn’t ‘just play’. I actually think it’s one of the most important years.

For those suggesting home school, I think you’re being irresponsible in the circs. This is an OP that isn’t coping well with the 3 kids. Homeschool shouldn’t become the option because a child’s parents can’t manage a 2 mile school run. That is just setting up the family to fail.

Something has to change. I really also wouldn’t be so defeatist re the driving. Starting again as an adult in an automatic could be quite different to learning at 17. Modern cars are easier to drive with all the sensors, cameras etc.

This!
what’s the long term plan here? Surely soon all DC have to go to school?

I think you need to move and/or your partner needs to change jobs. This is not sustainable at all.

She’ll probably say she doesn’t have money or time to start driving just as she has an excuse for everything else. Poor children.

A).talk.with school.to.enlist their ongoing support in exploring options. Your child's disability will be prominent into the future and also your energy, you need to set up your professional circle.
B).definitely get a badge or something and absolutely assert it's a wheelchair not a buggy and get assertive about it. People will soon get the message and hopefully make space for you. The bus driver should help if not can be reported.
C) As a disabled parent of a disabled child you are entitled to.a carers assessment and your school can push for an assessment of your disabled child's needs from your local disabled children team which should include consideration for their siblings. If the school run as described is impossible or undoable for you under the circumstances and your and your child's disability is a factor then it might be possible to get funding to.employ some help.
D) Assuming you have given fact in your post, completely ignore any suggestions you and your children shouldn't exist, you and they are absolutely worth resources until you feel.able to manage and help is an entitlement when parent and child have a disability.
E) Also ignore the finger wagging tone it's bringing me out in a rash
F) People are right to say your child has a right to be in school (but they forget the other rights.- yours and your other child's) Be confident in asserting all your familys needs clearly and find someone who can help you do this if it's a struggle. It takes a Village to raise a Disabled child. . Expect a village.
G) If not already get into.a group of SEND mums they are often outstanding
H) if after all that your requests fall in deaf ears consider a local Councillor
I) on the continent children don't start formal.schooling until 5/6, and that works for them- yes it's a different system but at this stage permanent damage is unlikely, don't beat yourself up over what he's missed so far.

I wish you all the best

I'd revisit the breakfast club idea. If ds struggles with change then he may benefit from the structure and routine of knowing "Monday to Friday I go to school with daddy on the way to his work" and the learning through play and socialising with his peers and being with other adults.

Not the question of "is today I go to school?" Getting ready and expecting to go but then not going.

Dh pick up on the days that he can
Don't worry about the communication thing...if teacher says something important than surely dh will remember.

Unfortunately, this is a problem thats likely to get worse not better. If you have mobility problems yourself, then are you going to be able to carry a 9 month old in a sling along with the buggy? Or are you going to have 2 lo's in a buggy on the bus? You need to get your confidence now

Imo school is not optional once they are registered and the more you decide not to do the journey, the less you will make yourself do it

Its hard but the more you do it, the more it will feel easier for yourself and the less awkward and self conscious you will feel. Get the signs saying "treat buggy as wheelchair" You need to advocate for yourself and your children....you all have as much right to be on the bus as anyone else

The father of the children should be part of this village. Others should help and pay but the actual co-parent doesn’t do any school runs?

so all your solutions listed don’t involve the FATHER? But the council, school, complaining about bus drivers. How about people take responsibilities for their children instead of demanding others to help.

Your DH needs to start looking for a new job or asking for his employer to be more flexible.

I haven’t read all of the messages, but it really sounds like you and/or you son would be entitled to pip/dla. When you apply make sure you put your worst day and you should get something. Then you can use this to pay for a taxi to and from school.

Emotional regulation comes largely from parenting with a caveat of the child's individual needs. COVID was a time of immense stress when whole families were isolated. No toddler groups no grandparents or aunties and uncles. - Research can't really say what has had the most impact.
The reality is a lot of children who attend reception are still at the play stage.