to keep him off school some days at the moment

[tinyyturtle]

hello first post so hope im doing this right

i have 3 boys ds1 is 4 and in reception ds2 is 2.5 and doesnt walk and ds3 is 10 weeks old today

school is about 2 miles away and i dont drive. walking isnt really possible for me as i have mobility problems myself so the bus is the only realistic way of doing it

ds2 technically still fits in a normal buggy but it doesnt support him properly and he kind of slumps to one side. he does have a sen buggy but its massive and its honestly a pain on the bus. half the time theres no space and trying to get on with that plus ds1 and the baby in a sling and bags is a whole thing

bus drivers also dont see it as a disabled buggy they just see a big buggy and expect me to fold it. which is hard because then i have to find somewhere safe to put ds2 while i fold it and hold the baby at the same time which isnt exactly easy

people do tut as well which doesnt help

some mornings its just chaos. if i take the big buggy i struggle getting it on and off and folding it while holding the baby. if i take the normal buggy ds2 just slides about and i feel bad about that

the baby cries a lot on the bus too which makes the whole thing more stressful

so the truth is ds1 has missed a fair bit of school recently. more than id like really. some mornings i just cant face doing the whole bus situation and i keep him home

i know reception isnt technically compulsory but i also know its not ideal for him missing days and i do feel guilty about it

aibu to just keep him off sometimes for now until the baby is a bit older and things settle down a bit or should i be pushing myself to get him there every day even if its a nightmare

im honestly exhausted at the moment and just wondering what other people would do in this situation

But its not that easy. It sounds like atm he is the only earner. If he has a job that does not offer the flexibility, he can't just quit and leave the family with no money.

He has asked for flexible working and been turned down. And he does do some pick ups and could potentially do breakfast club but op said that wouldn't work for son

Getting a new job can take up to 6 months once someone has interviewed, worked notice and got onboarding checks. And its not always the case that these jobs offer flexibility for school runs...mine certainly wouldn't no matter how much I asked for it.

It would be amazing if every job gave flexibility, working from home and ability to do school run working hours. But in my experience, (certainly im the industry I work) they are not really available

Well time to start looking now, school has just started for their first child and long term 3 children will have to go to school. How will mum manage next year with 3 small kids on a bus and 1 is not mobile?

millions of other parents in this country manage to work and get their children to school despite everything else. Where there is a will there is a way. Parenting is the job of 2 people in an ideal world and clearly mum is struggling here. So they need to find a different solution that works for the children.

Fathers in general absolutely do have responsibilities. That would be covered in any professional assessment of need. So I don't feel the need to question.
Plenty families with disabled children have one parent working who can't do school runs.
Some workplaces are accommodating some aren't.
There are lots of single carers of disabled children who face all the above problems.
But don't you think that if the Father were an option the OP would either not have needed to post or mentioned it?
I'm not ignoring fathers. I just accorded the OP the dignity of assuming she is rational and an expert on her own situation.

First and foremost speak to the school. Maybe you can arrange for him to go in later, when the buses are less busy and you have more chance of getting the buggy on. It's better to go in later than miss it completely.

Your husband needs to aim towards flexibility as you cannot do this alone for the next decade. You're saying reception isn't compulsory, but it's not just this year you need to think about, it's all the years.

I'm guessing your DH has his head in the sand about how bad this situation is or that it's a long term one.

Op hasn’t tried breakfast club. She just says he might find it hard. He will probably be fine and it’s worth a try.

If you have or could arrange a spare room, could you offer someone accomodation in return for help in the morning?

Sounds like he has already had a referral to wheelchair services if has a specialist buggy, they generally give those rather than a wheelchair under 4/5 years of age

If it's possible for DH to do a breakfast club drop off it has to be worth trying surely. If you can't find a complete solution then a partial one that reduces the number of everyone on a bus school runs has to be the next best thing.

Spot on post here -

OP - refer yourself to social services. Request early help services

you can’t meet the complex needs of your children - you can’t get your oldest child to school, and the younger ones are going to get bigger and more of a handful -

dyspraxia / hyper mobility - you have a neurodivergent family ?

it’s only going to get harder - you can’t physically manage their needs and as a family you can’t problem solve / resolve the matter -

OP - do you rent or own? If you rent, is moving nearer to the school an option? Or any closer schools?
It sounds like this is going to get harder rather than easier as both younger ones grow, so you need a long term solution, and living within a few minutes walk of the school seems like the best one. Reception is really important - my oldest missed a chunk of it due to covid, and even now in year 5, I can see the learning gaps in her phonics knowledge vs her sister who is year 2 and did all of reception

I feel by keeping him off you will be stopping him from forming solid friendships with his school peers if he’s not there very much and he will also fall behind academically too if he’s missing the work.
The school run is stressful / hard work for a lot of us but you have to do it for your child, unless you choose to home educate.

Our local council gives school taxi lifts for journeys over a mile.

Have you contacted the bus company? They shouldn’t be making you fold the buggy in this situation. A pram tag is also a good idea.

That sounds unusual, taxis for anyone who lives more than 15 minutes walk away? It's usually 3 miles, although exceptions if no safe pathway to walk - there is 1 school which has a free bus near us which is about 2.5 miles away, as have to cross a motorway

I agree. If you can’t get them to school how are you managing feeding the ducks, going to the park or getting to the shop.

I think the best idea is to leave home at 7am and get buses when they are quieter. Drop you ds at breakfast club then walk home. You’ve got all day to get home so stop at park benches if you need to rest, taking snacks/bottles for the other children and make it into an adventure.

in the long term I would seriously look at moving house. You say you can’t afford it but somewhere in the area will be cheaper accommodation closer to a school.

Plenty of others have said this already, but you need to think long term, not just while your oldest is in reception.

If you’ve already been given a SEN buggy, it’s because the professionals suspect your child won’t walk/will need a wheelchair. You’ve already said you, your 4 year old and the 2 year old have hyper mobility so your youngest will possibly have it as well.

It wouldn’t hurt to have social services involved. You seem to have a lot on your plate and your children are only going to get bigger and need more help.

I wish you good luck. I have to be honest, if my disabled child was my first, he’d have been an only child. I can only imagine how difficult two disabled children and your own disability is.

If you can't afford to move closer to the current school, can you move to a different area, close to another school - and everything else you need to be near?
This will be a long term thing, children need to go to school every day. If you can't drive, and you can't walk long distance, it would probably be better if you live somewhere where you can walk to everything you need to get easily?

School is not compulsory until the term after a child turns 5, but that means that you don’t have to take up a school place until that point. It doesn’t mean you can put your child in reception but pick and choose when to send him. The expectation when you accept a school place is that you send the child full time, unless you have an agreed part- time arrangement with the school.

I’m a teacher and frequently non-attendance, even in reception, is a concern and especially unauthorised attendances due to the parent not being bothered to take him in. When you call the school to let them know he won’t be in what reason are you actually giving? If you stated it was because you can’t face the bus then this would raise safeguarding concerns at my school. If you’re intending to stay at this school beyond reception then bear in mind the relationship you build with the school now, and reputation you have as a parent, will follow you into next year. You will be coming across as somebody who is uncommitted to your child’s education and who isn’t willing to put in the effort to support it and that’s not a good reputation for the school to have of you.

This is an interesting comment and - kindly- knowledge of disabled children's rights and the parenting involved varys a huge amount in the teaching profession. But you are right to highlight the needs of siblings of disabled children - these should always be considered however it's not a competition. The good news is that all the children's needs are deserving.
So you can:
Assist by taking an empowering can do approach
Avoiding guilt tripping when what is being presented is a struggle
Explore with the parent how she needs to get comprehensive support around her family and this might be around her disabled child: in order to get the impact on the siblings recognised- you can with her consent, help her to set up a multi agency meeting under whatever the early help procedures in your school/ local services are
Once you know what to do this is about one and a half an hour's work. It'll probably be a referral form and potentially a meeting. This ought to be someone's responsibility in your school.
Be aware of the offer from your local disabled children's sw team who can offer practical help if there's no other solution- but this takes a bit of push and usually time. That's also a referral.
Be aware how absolutely awfully parents of disabled children are dealt with. You have to see it to believe it. Just check the thread.
The phrase ' the impact of the disability' on the disabled child and all family members is a good one and avoids pathologising the parent.
Unless you have strong evidence to the contrary believe in the impact of the disability when parents are describing it.

I think OP is demonstrating some safeguarding concerns -
she can’t meet the needs of her children with complex needs -
the earlier this is flagged the more chance these 3 kids have got of being supported -

child 1 has difficulties that OP says means he can’t tolerate breakfast club
child 2 and physical health difficulties

mum / OP is neurodivergent and has significant mobility issues -

this is a family in need surely ????

Can you get a tag for the buggy to indicate it’s actually a wheelchair and also use breakfast club?

have you applied for pip for yourself and DLA for ds2?

We are almost half way through the school year and while it might seem ok not to send your 4 year old in every day now, what will you do in September when he is 5 and in year 1?
As others have said so far you have said no to every solution offered - looking at benefits, taxi costs, partner doing the school run/breakfast or after school club, moving schools, moving house....
What change do think will happen by September that will allow you to ensure he does get to school each day then?

I am not sure if I have missed it but have you actually explained the situation to the school? Both our sendco and family support worker help struggling families - they can sometimes come up with solutions that might not have been thought of or help reduce the barriers (e.g. if you don't think your entitled to any benefits they might be able to check whether there is anything you have missed, especially if you have a disabled child). They also refer to early help and have team around the family meetings so that support is given at a wider level.
If attendance is poor already, then I am surprised no one has been asked to hold a meeting with you to discuss this.

Exactly 👍

This sounds really hard. The obvious solution for me would be to move nearer to the school or a different school. You definitely need to apply for pip and should be getting dla for your 2 year old. Have you reached out to the school? They may know of staff or other parents that may be able to help? Or even a babysitter to help with school runs. I think you need to seek help from your local children’s centre as there may be a way to get funding for a taxi or use your pip to pay for it. It sounds as though you should be entitled.