to keep him off school some days at the moment

[tinyyturtle]

hello first post so hope im doing this right

i have 3 boys ds1 is 4 and in reception ds2 is 2.5 and doesnt walk and ds3 is 10 weeks old today

school is about 2 miles away and i dont drive. walking isnt really possible for me as i have mobility problems myself so the bus is the only realistic way of doing it

ds2 technically still fits in a normal buggy but it doesnt support him properly and he kind of slumps to one side. he does have a sen buggy but its massive and its honestly a pain on the bus. half the time theres no space and trying to get on with that plus ds1 and the baby in a sling and bags is a whole thing

bus drivers also dont see it as a disabled buggy they just see a big buggy and expect me to fold it. which is hard because then i have to find somewhere safe to put ds2 while i fold it and hold the baby at the same time which isnt exactly easy

people do tut as well which doesnt help

some mornings its just chaos. if i take the big buggy i struggle getting it on and off and folding it while holding the baby. if i take the normal buggy ds2 just slides about and i feel bad about that

the baby cries a lot on the bus too which makes the whole thing more stressful

so the truth is ds1 has missed a fair bit of school recently. more than id like really. some mornings i just cant face doing the whole bus situation and i keep him home

i know reception isnt technically compulsory but i also know its not ideal for him missing days and i do feel guilty about it

aibu to just keep him off sometimes for now until the baby is a bit older and things settle down a bit or should i be pushing myself to get him there every day even if its a nightmare

im honestly exhausted at the moment and just wondering what other people would do in this situation

How on earth is OP going to home school when she has a ten week old baby to look after? 😩 people shouldn’t be encouraging the OP to remove and home school IMO. It will just be the same problem later on.

I would get a taxi there on the days you can’t face the bus.
is there no way DH could start work late even just one day a week to give you a bit of a break too?

She doesn’t have to home school she is entitled to enrol him the September after he turns 5

Has op made any mention of home educating? She also has a 2.5 year old and baby at home to look after.

If your child doesn’t go to school he will fall behind. It is hard but things will be harder when he refuses school because he knows he is behind. Not going in for reception is a short-term solution that makes the long term even harder.

is there a reason why nobody thought ahead about the logistics of all of this? Do you all have severe ADHD? No forward planning and a reliance on poorly thought-out short term solutions are common symptoms of poor executive functioning.

you need to get organised and ask SS or the HV to help you plan. Speak to the bus company, get a different buggy, get assistance one way and walk the other? There are loads of options but you sound like you don’t know how to think them through.

you just need to plan to do the hard stuff. It is unfair on your child that you cannot get him to school. If he had inherited your ADHD then it’s important he doesn’t get behind. Stop focusing on your reasons why you can’t and start planning thibgs properly for your family.

You're looking at maybe 11 years of this commute twice a day 5 days a week... Something needs to change.

I would look at a cheaper area with a school close by that is still within commuting distance for your partner. It's untenable for you to carry on with this.

I have background in child development, I’m fully aware what stone in those first few years. School isn’t the only option though, most parents are more than capable to home educate especially at reception level.

thank you to the poster who shared their experience that actually does make me feel a bit less alone. the rolled up towel idea is interesting i hadnt thought of that. i might look up the go to seat as well as ive never heard of that before

someone suggested flexible working for dh. he has asked before and it wasnt really possible in his role apparently

i cant learn to drive automatic because the issue is my dyspraxia itself not the gears unfortunately

i did apply for pip before and was turned down. i know people say appeal but honestly i have enough to deal with at the moment without the stress of going through all that again

taxis have been suggested too but i just cant afford that every day. also it would actually be more stressful at the school end because id have to carry ds2 into school while also having the baby in the sling and managing ds1

re the buggy tag thats actually a good idea because at the moment i feel quite bullied into folding it. the drivers just say you have to fold it and its very awkward with people behind you waiting to get on so i end up trying to rush and do it even though its really difficult with ds2 and the baby

a wheelchair has been mentioned before but nothing has come of that yet

also just to say ds1 isnt actually 5 until june which i know doesnt mean school doesnt matter but its why i mentioned reception not being compulsory yet

and to a couple of people being quite judgy i promise i am not making excuses. im just explaining the situation because people are asking questions. if there was an easy solution i would already be doing it

im going to log off soon as the baby will probably wake again but i do appreciate the helpful suggestions people have given

Also what are your own mobility problems? Are they long term chronic conditions or could they potentially improve or change? Not being able to walk 2 miles as a parent of 3 must be quite debilitating and limiting for you all.

Whilst I think you could make these arguments for keeping a child back to CSA on the grounds of logistics (rather than a genuine desire and intention to home educate) for a short while, like a broken leg or something, I don't see how this works going forwards? DC2 is only going to get bigger and harder to push/lift/carry and the baby is only going to get more mobile and heavier to put in the sling. DC1 is going to feel left behind and struggle more from missing ground work for phonics etc.

You need a longer term plan that is sustainable and realistic.

You have said your dh cannot help.
You have said your DH is no good at helping (this is ridiculous, important messages can be emailed and he is out at work all day so capable of simple tasks)
You have said you can't cope with the bus.
You have said no to Breakfast Club (I think this is the weakest link here)
You have said you can't walk
You have said you can't drive

You have said you can't afford taxis (neither could I)

You need a meeting with school to discuss. They are likely to already be aware of his attendance and will be motivated to help.

You need to be open to positive action and change here and not just say no to every suggestion.

If you can't really walk, can't drive and can't manage buses with the children and you don't have help and can't afford help and you don't claim benefits, what does the future look like here without something changing?

Your children probably need to be in school and nursery more than most, you need to rest too, it should be a priority that they get there.

(For those saying Reception doesn't matter, it really can. I have dc that missed Reception due to lockdowms and took years to catch up to where my older ones would have been at the same stages)

I’d use breakfast and after school club and get dad to help with drops and pick ups

Could you walk the two miles in the morning and then get the bus home when it’s quieter. Then ds1 could go to after school club and dh could collect him after work. You could even get a taxi one morning week (perhaps Wednesday) to get a break then it’s only 4 walks altogether a week.

OP how do you do other stuff with the dc?

If you don't keep them off school, what does a typical day look like?

Can you use anything from that to strategise school attendance?

I have ADHD and my kids were rarely late to or absent from primary school. Please stop the armchair diagnosis session.

It must be tough - can you get a childminder for an hour every day for one or both of younger ones? It’s unfair on your older son so you need to sort something out fast which works for you.

Yes, I agree that he will fall behind and the more they miss, it’s harder to get kids to school. My kids are not huge fans of school, which means it’s difficult to get them in sometimes but it’s MUCH harder after a holiday or even a period of sickness. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be if I let them stay off more often.

There is a set of parents who were always letting her kid miss school when they were in YR. I’d see them in the village and overhear the mum talking about his low attendance . The child are in y3 now and it’s no different but they struggle to get him into school and he’s frequently kicking off at the gates. I feel for him. The parents reasons may well be valid but if kids are enrolled in school they need the boundary and consistency otherwise, of course they will want to be at home with mum.

It sounds tough but you have to take your child to school. My children have similar-ish age gaps and I too had to walk it everyday come rain or shine as my husband had the car for work when I was on mat leave (we had childcare and used breakfast club when I returned to work). My suggestion would be to get your husband to drop your reception child off at school breakfast club on his way to work if there is one. If he leaves too early ask someone who lives close who goes to the school to drop him off, it isn't ideal having to rely on someone else but as long as they aren't going out their way and you are on time waiting it could work if you were desperate. When I used to take my children to school one of the parents actually offered to take us everyday, I didn't ask them and also declined the offer, but plenty people are willing to help.

You know you can't opt out of school though (well unless you homeschool). Reception is actually very important as it is when they learn to read (my youngest is now reception age) and put in all the foundations of learning, so having the attitude that it is optional really isn't something you want to instill into your child, they should go everyday unless they are unwell.

Driving lessons before your eldest started school might have been a good idea, you must have realised you'd be doing school runs for the next 15 years or so until the youngest starts highschool, it's hardly a big surprise. You need to sort something long term if you can't drive though.

If you appeal PIP and get awarded though then it would help ease things financially. Have you applied for DLA? That would help too. You can get accessible taxis that should be able to hold his special needs buggy.

If the bus is the best option then get a wheelchair sign for the buggy and pester OT/Physio for a referral to wheelchair services.

You can get lanyards/badges to show DC has disabilities and also carry your carers card. Show, explain you can't take out of buggy. Look for support through the school, your local family hub, CA, apply to move to a nearer school. Lots of options to try and get help with difficult situation.

Got to be proactive and not just resign to deny their right to education. Is the partner/s of these 3 DC around?

Best of luck, seek as much help as you can. Xx

I find your post bizarre. School is not optional. Your son is missing out on learning, playing, building relationships with his peers and teachers. Surely you knew he would have to go to school and could have put things in place long before now to ensure you were in a position to take him?
Move house or school, change dad’s working hours, or simply put him in breakfast club. I appreciate it’s hard but that isn’t a good enough excuse for your son missing out on school. I feel sad your son is missing out on so much and is instead sat at home with you. You’re setting him up for failure and it’s very cruel!

DS1 is 4, it's fine, probably better for him in fact. Nowhere else do kids go to school aged 4. Your mornings sound horrendous, give yourself, and your kids, a break.

And school isn't compulsory, at all, btw.

You need to send your son to school. He deserves an education. It’s not his fault you can’t get there.

Wow, very helpful tips there.

I'd absolutely prioritise school and not keep him off for no reason. But I would utilise all the options. Taxi maybe too expensive every day, but maybe do it once a week or when it's raining or something?

Maybe try walking there but getting the bus back. Then after school, bus there and walk back. That way you don't need to deal with three children on the bus and hopefully it's quieter in those directions? And less tiring than walking both ways twice a day.

Electric cargo trike?

Double buggy so you don't need to carry the baby when walking?

For the buggy get yourself a double buggy and either a special tomato soft touch sitter or a firefly goto seat. The latter are sold quite cheaply on various Facebook SEND buy and sell groups. Some supermarkets (mainly asda) also have an adapted trolley with a firefly seat in it if you wanted to see what they are like before you buy. While they arent as supportive as a SEND buggy itself, they are a pretty good substitute.

Alternatively you can get SEND buggies that have a second seat for a baby on them. Specialised Orthotic Services make a special needs seat in a baby jogger buggy frame. Activate for Kids also make a special needs tandem buggy as well. It's possible to get charity funding for these or occasionally the activate for kids buggy comes up on special needs sites as well.