to gift mum Mother's Day gift she won't want

[brainsandgrains]

My mother is not in the best financial situation and never treats herself.

I am in quite a bad financial situation and she has no idea. I lost two clients due to budget cuts 7 months ago so monthly income went from £4.5k a month to £1.5k a month.

I am the breadwinner. We are dipping into savings every month and all spending that isn't essential has ground to a halt.

I don't want my mum to know this. The situation is too complex to explain why but this is really important to me.

Last year for mother's day I went all out. Her friend had died two months before, I got an unexpected £500. So I took her to a spa, then out to a three course meal and got her a giant bouquet. It cost a lot more than I was planning to pay as I didn't intend for it to be three course but I got carried away.

She has spoken about this all year.

I was a guest a panel last week and received the most lovely hamper as a thank you. It's from a social enterprise, it's full of sustainable products and is really really lovely, every product has an interesting story.

I was about to tuck into it myself but then I had the idea to regift it to mum but obviously she wouldn't know it was a regift.

But it's not the same as a £150 spa day and £150 dinner.

I looked up the brand online and I couldn't find the exact one so I think it was a build your own hamper and I guess around £50.

I wouldn't give her a gift I thought she wouldn't like.

If she wasn't comparing to last year it would have gone down really well. It's not that she would dislike the gift, just that she would be expecting more.

She messaged this morning saying how much she loved Mother's Day last year and how special it made her feel. I know this is a hint and I feel so rubbish.

I have to be careful with mum because if I do something like offer to cook her dinner she will say 'let's just go out to eat'.

AIBU to give her this gift?

You must realise that your mum is being totally U here.

You should be able to tell her that last year was a one-off and that your financial circumstances have changed and you can’t afford to treat her like that this year, but the amount of money you spend does not reflect how much you love her!

Even if she’s ND or ‘sensitive’, she’s not stupid, is she? She should be able to understand that?

Seems that people who say they are sensitive only care about how they are treated. She doesn’t sound very sensitive towards you.

She and your brother sound really manipulative. Do you think counselling might help you?

Sorry this is giving you so much grief op. I too had a difficult mother (but it was nothing transactional). I think it was her upbringing.

It's hard - I'm sure you don't want to do nothing because you know you'll feel bad - don't know how old she is but I'm sure you feel a duty of care to an older woman - but you have enough of your own stuff going on.

I think you've responded really maturely and hope you come to a compromise you are happy with.

And to add - you CAN be neurodivergent and a materialistic manipulative arsehole.

there are plenty of decent ND people. Yt just like the NT population there are ND area holes and NT arseholes.

but this behaviour is classic victim narcissist mentality ‘you’re mean and I’m so sad you won’t do what I want’ then the attempts at manipulation and dragging in her little flying monkey.

OP I personally wouldn’t give the basket. Downgrade to just a card.

I’m sorry but you are as mad as she is for entertaining this bullshit.
Just stop it. Stop pandering to it and get on with your life. I wouldn’t tolerate this shit from anyone, family or not! Completely dysfunctional.

I think I've read all your posts. You're not being unreasonable. That's it xxx

Well done OP, you're handling this very well!

I also had a difficult mum. She was very insecure and from the time I was a child, she was very critical of gifts not being 'good enough'. Once I was a little girl and wrote a poem for her for example. She was unhappy because she didn't think the poem said enough about her (yes, really!). Since becoming a mother myself I've had a better sense of how nutty this is. Normal mums don't put this kind of pressure on their children, whether the children are young or grown up. To this day I have a lot of anxiety around gift-giving (my mother also valued expensive gifts). My DM was probably also neurodivergent, but needless to say, neurodivergence is no excuse for putting that kind of emotional pressure on your DC. I now think she probably had narcissistic tendencies.

I also look back and think how our roles were reversed in a way. I was meant to mother HER. Clearly your mum is similar as you feel you can't confide in her about your own financial stresses.

The thing is, it's not up to you to make her feel better about herself. It's her own insecurity. You've told her you love her, you've got her a gift and you've offered to spend time with her on the day. If she chooses to see that as inadequate, it's on her, not you.

You can't control how she will respond to you, but you can control what you yourself do. In other words, you can wisely choose not to go into debt to give her what you can't afford. You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, as they say.

Stay strong! You are being a great daughter. I honestly think you have to treat her a bit as you would a toddler. Be kind but firm, and stick to what you have decided, because it's entirely reasonable.💐

I’m a mum to two AC, both working FT and both have families of their own so consequently lead very busy lives. The best gift they ever give to me is their time, that is more precious than flowers, wine, gift sets, spa days. We swerve the Mothers Day thing and plan a picnic later in the year when the weather is warmer. We laugh, we cry, we have fun, we remember those who are no longer with us and those of us facing health battles……time is the most precious gift.

Oh, and you mention her fragile mental health - it's not your responsibility to do whatever she wants on the grounds of her fragile mental health!

By not 'enabling' her and catering to her every whim, you're arguably making her a bit more resilient.

Speaking as someone with a horrible manipulative mother (who is also mentally unwell, but that's not why she's awful), the input from people who have lovely, kind mums or who are lovely kind mums probably won't help OP much. Great for you that your lovely mum wouldn't mind if you gave her petrol station flowers and a drawing you did but that is far from the situation here.

Do you normally, with your mum, go financial like for like?

If you do, then fine.

And yeah, the whole dynamic also very gendered. The expectations my mother had of my brother were entirely different.

I was supposed to be an ideal mini-her who reflected all her wishes back to her.

Your mum.is very manipulative 😞

Head it off by replying to your mum that you reply enjoyed it too and its a pity you didn't get the bonus again that funded it last year otherwise there would be a repeat. Tell her you have bought her something and hopes she will like it.

Full support here OP, you sound a lovely daughter. Mother’s Day isn’t about grand gestures…it’s about posies and hand made cards, being together, spring and love. Your DM is ruining the entire spirit of the celebration, this is TIME to challenge some of this nasty exploitation. Don't cave 💐💐💐💐

OP, given the situation and that you don’t want to let your mother know about your current financial downturn, is there something you could say you’d spent money on that would explain why this year you can’t take her out for a meal? Eg, I’ve just had the boiler serviced/ house repair/car expenses - something that would explain your current lack of funds without sending her into overdrive? Is there any way you and your brother could jointly finance a meal out for her? I’d say do something cheaper like going on a picnic, but from experience, that can turn into something much more expensive as well if you’re not careful. I know that people vary wildly over expectations for presents - for one of my sisters, presents REALLY matter, and it also has to be ON the day (anyone would think she was six rather than in her sixties -eye roll) but that’s just how she is. So I sympathise with you, while thinking that a card and hamper should be more than enough. Can’t you tell your DM that last year was a bit of a one-off because you’d done particularly well at work, but now it’s back to normal? We all like being treated and spoiled, but I can’t think your DM would actually want to be causing you this amount of stress.

My friend has a mum a bit like this and so I have seen first-hand how hard it is to change your mindset towards them - she is your mum after all and it's incredibly tough to convince yourself that you don't have to build your life around keeping her happy.

OP, I know it's so hard but the best thing you can do is try and break this pattern of behaviour. It's probably too late for this mother's day but in future you'd be best to just say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way. Feel free to spend the day with [brother] if you prefer, and we can catch up another day".

It's so hard but this will never change unless you take steps yourself.

so my brother is very autistic. He is incredibly academic and got a degree in software development but has very little social understanding. So if someone tells him to have a go at me, he will.

He's unpleasant but I will ignore his message as I can't be bothered to reason with him.

I have no idea what he does these days, he could be loaded with a nice software dev job or he could be unemployed, I don't ask. My mum sadly may not be aware herself, she's unaware of others mostly.

I received a text back from her saying "send me a link to it" referring to the hamper. I think she's trying to see how much I spent.

My goodness she's awful.

You spent last year's bonus & intend to give her a thank you hamper this year.

No!

She doesn't deserve it.

What did your brother do last year?

Match that & tell her it's his turn for the big gesture!

Then mute them both for a while.

So what exactly would happen if you said no to her. What exactly would she do?

This is such a horrible, toxic dynamic, from both your mother and your brother. How awful. I'm really sorry. Honestly, it would make me not want to spend significant money on her ever, and would make me take a bit of a step back from the relationship.

I'm also very sorry about your financial situation. It must be really stressful. I hope someone can give you a treat and make you feel looked after.

Do not send her a link to it

Say no mum, it will run in the surprise!

She’s not a person who can be reasoned with so you need to switch to adult mode and deal with her like she’s a child. My DP’s mum was exactly like this. It was like having a child in an adults body to deal with. It’s very strange and frustrating.

Sorry sounds like another case of "this person I love dearly is horrible to me but I love them and can't accept they're horrible so I'm going to tell myself they can't help it."

It's not autism. Its narcissism. She doesn't give a shit about your struggles beyond how it affects her.

I'm betting your brother does fuck all and she still thinks the sun shines out his arse because he's her little boy and he "does his best"

I had a manipulative mum. If I called her with any sort of problem then that would give her the ok to get steaming drunk. Then her mates (flying monkeys) would give me grief that id made her drink blah blah.
It destroys your soul slowly. You don’t realise while you’re in it. Id defo think about counselling and a short message “last year I could do the spa etc because I had a work bonus. I don’t have this so its a x or y choice (low cost activities)” and ignore your brother. He just doesn’t want your mum mithering him. Thats why he is getting involved.

I understand how challenging it can be to set boundaries in this kind of dynamic but it’s really important that you do.

I would tell her that you don’t want to discuss it any further. If she doesn’t want the gift you’ve got for her then that’s fine.
It’s not helping anyone to get into a prolonged discussion about it.