to gift mum Mother's Day gift she won't want

[brainsandgrains]

My mother is not in the best financial situation and never treats herself.

I am in quite a bad financial situation and she has no idea. I lost two clients due to budget cuts 7 months ago so monthly income went from £4.5k a month to £1.5k a month.

I am the breadwinner. We are dipping into savings every month and all spending that isn't essential has ground to a halt.

I don't want my mum to know this. The situation is too complex to explain why but this is really important to me.

Last year for mother's day I went all out. Her friend had died two months before, I got an unexpected £500. So I took her to a spa, then out to a three course meal and got her a giant bouquet. It cost a lot more than I was planning to pay as I didn't intend for it to be three course but I got carried away.

She has spoken about this all year.

I was a guest a panel last week and received the most lovely hamper as a thank you. It's from a social enterprise, it's full of sustainable products and is really really lovely, every product has an interesting story.

I was about to tuck into it myself but then I had the idea to regift it to mum but obviously she wouldn't know it was a regift.

But it's not the same as a £150 spa day and £150 dinner.

I looked up the brand online and I couldn't find the exact one so I think it was a build your own hamper and I guess around £50.

I wouldn't give her a gift I thought she wouldn't like.

If she wasn't comparing to last year it would have gone down really well. It's not that she would dislike the gift, just that she would be expecting more.

She messaged this morning saying how much she loved Mother's Day last year and how special it made her feel. I know this is a hint and I feel so rubbish.

I have to be careful with mum because if I do something like offer to cook her dinner she will say 'let's just go out to eat'.

AIBU to give her this gift?

This whole situation sounds horribly toxic. She’s being grabby and selfish here. You need to be straight with her. Getting a relative to phone you and say she’s in tears is manipulative and awful behaviour. I think it’s time to rethink what you get from this relationship. How low contact could you go?

Wow "what gift did you get me?" How awful.

Any really decent restaurant should already be fully booked for mothers day ... at least, in better economic times.

If you really feel the need to explain at all I would think it should suffice to say “I had an unexpected windfall just before Mother’s Day last year hence the big treat, I’ve got you a special treat this year too- it’s no spa trip but it’s something I’ve put a lot of thought into!”

I get my Mum a card and some flowers or a candle every year as I reckon most do. You were hugely generous last year but it just isn’t replicable every year for most people.

I am so sorry your mum is treating you this way. Her expectations are way off scale and the use of manipulation is just horrid.

I assume you cannot really say it's surely the turn of the son (your brother) to go all out for mothers day.

I wouldn't. So far you seem to have very much risen above everything, perhaps to your detriment. I wouldn't give myself the opportunity of beating myself up later for taking it, although it is yours.

I'm ND (autistic and ADHD) with rampant rejection sensitivity and I have never spoken to anyone like that in my life. Your mum isn't treating you badly because she's ND, she's doing it because she's manipulative, entitled and nasty.

And she continues to be a complete fucking nightmare because you pander to it, which reinforces her awful behaviour. I would be telling her and your brother to stick it right up their arses.

Your mother sounds narcissistic (your brother is her flying monkey) and manipulative rather than neurodivergent. There may well be trauma behind it all but that doesn't make her ungrateful behaviour acceptable.

You're doing really well at not having in to her demands this time. Remember, you have not been unreasonable you are planning to give her a lovely gift and she is being rude. Please keep responding to her with something along the lines of

"I had brought you a lovely gift and wanted to spend time with you. Your ungrateful, rude behaviour has now made me not feel like doing either of those things. Can you not see how unreasonable you are being by insisting that the monetary value of my gift somehow equates to how much I love you? Last year I had a one off bonus which I wanted to share with you, I cannot spend like that every year and you should not expect it. When uou ade ready to apologise you know where I am "

The cheek of her. She doesn't care about the gift she just wants to know what it cost.

Also just thinking about your OP and how the meal at this fancy restaurant somehow spiralled into 3 courses. Guessing she just ordered what she wanted did she?

This dynamic is awful for you and whilst you clearly have a lot of guilt and obligation towards her, you can and should stop this. You're protecting your mum at the expense of your own emotional wellbeing. You're the adult child here, not the parent, and you've got things backwards, because she's conditioned you to prioritise her feelings above your own. That can change, and should.

If you mean we talk,then yes 🤦‍♂️

TBH I would do some emotional manipulation right back.

“Oh mum I am so sorry. I love you so much, I am distraught to think that you don’t know that. I thought that spending the time with me in my home would convey that to you.
As I said, I do have a cashflow issue at the moment which is why I didn’t book the restaurant and bought the hamper which I thought you would love. But seeing as the money and the restaurant mean so much to you I will sell Great Grandma’s pearls / cancel my weekend in the Lakes / ask my best friend Lesley if she will pay me to do her ironing for a month, so that we can go. Let me know when you have booked the table. Love you mum xxx”

Just seen your update, that you ate half, sounds the perfect compromise!

Why on earth have you not told her that last year was an extra special one because her friend had died !

I would not be giving in to the emotional blackmail nor would I have allowed her to know what her gift was 5 days in advance.

Time to pass the matter over to your brother now, he can step up and take her to dinner at X.

If she's behaving like a spoilt child, you'll have to be the firm parent. Say that last year was a special treat, because you spent a windfall on her, and not a normal year. You're sorry she's upset but you haven't got "special treat" money this year.
Your brother needs to treat her, why is it all on you?
I bet you wish you'd not bothered last year. No good deed goes unpunished, as they say.

Couldn't have said it better. And I too have had major trauma in my life and too ND. I wouldn't dream of treating my adult DC like this. In fact I am now NC with my own mother after years of manipulation and mental and emotional abuse to the point I couldn't take anymore. She ranted at my eldest DD about me letting her down and was really vile and said deeply hurtful things that I knew she meant.
So sorry OP but she knows what she's doing as you can see by sobbing to your brother. Both pathetic.

Have you replied to your brother to ask him what treat he has arranged for Mother’s Day? Tell him she really liked X restaurant and the bill came to £200 last year so he can manage it this year.

Your mum is awful, I’m so sorry. I suspect you are reading some of these replies thinking things like ‘they don’t understand’ because you’ve grown up like this but I urge you to read into Fear, Obligation and Guilt and see if it resonates. I think she is manipulating you and probably has been all your life.This doesn’t mean she doesn’t have genuine issues, but she is definitely manipulating you.

Take some crumb of comfort in the realisation that you cannot really win, in the sense of her snapping into being reasonable, so crack on and let her rant. Let her cry floods of tears about how devastated she is because she can’t have as much of your money as she likes, As it is, it wouldn’t surprise me if she didn’t return/reject your lovely present out of spite. (Not that she’d admit this is why, I’m sure it will be framed as ‘It just made me so sad to see how little I was valued, poor me’) Take comfort in the fact you haven’t done anything wrong.

Please please OP just keep the hamper and enjoy it with your family. Don't give in to this manipulation. Any gift you get her won't be received with the love it should be. She won't be greatful. Please stop twisting yourself in knots to please and unpleasable x

Tell your brother to take her out for Mother's Day.

OP just give her the hamper and be done with it.

Adult women should not whine about a made-up day like this.

Yes this!

Your mum is being really nasty. What a seriously horrible message to send you!!
You haven't told her you were taking her out and just because you did it last year does not mean you have to this year.
How dare she.
This would make me do even less and keep my distance for a while.

All sounds a bit transactional and sad tbh

Unfortunately, not everyone is blessed with such parents and the OP clearly is not.