Fed up already maternity leave

[SpookyTeacup]

I'm miserable. I've waited so long for my miracle baby and I absolutely love her to death. Her dad, however, is showing me what a complete waste of a human he is. I'm 1 week PP, trying to exclusively breastfeed and he gets angry with us both because she's always feeding and it's not 'normal' (she's cluster feeding). He's laughed at how little milk I'm able to pump, called my nipples weird because theyre flat. All he's done for the whole paternity leave is game despite me asking for attention - he laughs at me. He's physically supportive by doing the bare minimum of changing a dirty nappy, cleaning, or having me take her to him - only if she's sleeping - to have in a cot next to him whilst he games so I can have a short nap. There's zero emotional support for me and he laughs if I suggest it. I let him sleep through the night and I deal with all the feeding, crying, nappies. I'm so tired and running on zero. He's gotten angry with us both again cause of her cluster feeding and now I can't settle her. I'm so upset

A screaming baby isnt normal. It may be usual, but not normal. Its last resort of communication from the baby , saying something isnt right. Its up to the parent to work out what it is, not to accept it as normal. OP needs a good breastfeeding consultant to get breastfeeding going.

OK really not the moment for that @PinkyFlamingo .

OP bring your mum over.

MY DH was reasonably supportive with our newborns, but having your mum is ideal. For now just make this about you and your dear little baby whom you wanted so much. There is enough stress in becoming a first time mum without coming out of that bubble to worry about other dynamics. If having your mum helps just do it. And I bet it will ...

OP I send my sympathies!

I had flat nipples and exclusively breastfed - it was exceptionally painful* at first, but it is possible. Have the baby checked for tongue tie (repeatedly if necessary) as getting my baby’s tie cut at two weeks helped a lot. Don’t try to express just so your partner can feed, that can come later. Cluster feeding is normal. Get your mum and the health visitor round as much as you can to enforce your decisions.

My DP also tried to introduce formula and get baby off the breast. He got firmly put back in his place. Feeding is the mum’s decision (still feeding at almost 2).

I was glad when he went back to work after ten days.

Chin up, you’ll get through this! Congratulations on your beloved baby.

Edit to say it did stop being painful in time but it wasn’t quick. Baby is essentially reshaping your nipples and it hurts!

I agree with you @Givemeachaitealatte however some posters are aware of this issue however get a kick out of putting other women down. It's unlikely they would say this to their own friend irl. It's another form of abuse for blaming the victim.

You need to tell his mum and let her deal with the selfish twat!

His mum would rip him a new one if she knew

So tell her!

Have you tried asking him if he thinks she would be proud of him?

Absolutely. She’s your IVF miracle and your beloved daughter.

so first of all: congratulations!!💐💐

I would take the time to heal, grow and plan how you’ll make this work without the father, tbh.

edit: and yes, bring your mum over, his mum, friends, health visitor etc. All the support you can possibly get!

Great post and exactly what I would recommend too.

Tell mum to come early and say neither of you are coping well, she’ll come.
suggest to him he saves his paternity leave for later on as he’d be more useful then when he can take baby out etc.

my ex also was a charming man who promised me the world and became a cruel mean man while I was pregnant. It happens to lots of us but other women love to point the finger at us due to their need to reassure themselves that they’re so clever it wouldn’t happen to them.

you will have a happy life with your baby just do whatever you can to get help in this tough stage now so you don’t plunge into post Partum depression

He’s a cunt.

Go and stay with your mum

Why doesn’t he take his closed mind and go back to work
He doesnt want to do anything, doesn’t want to learn anything, wont be told the reality. But apparently despite zero experience and no knowledge he knows better.

You need someone who is going to help not hinder or mock you

What really is the point of him being there?

I would send him with his gaming set up to his mother where he can explain to her his wisdom on new borns and why his wife thinks he is so useless.

Did you go to Pre birth / NCT classes and do you meet up with these mums and dads

I know the support I got from the other mums who were going through the same things at the same time was hugely beneficial. And fathers would come along and chat about all the stuff we were all going through.
We were all first time parents and to know that sitting breast feeding for 16 hours was perfectly normal. dd would fall asleep then as soon as I moved she would wake and cry and start feeding again.

Dd refused a dummy, and refused formula. She never had a single bottle of formula ever

I’m with you OP! I’m lucky to have a brilliant partner BUT i have a couple of friends whose husbands I know really well. Brilliant men, funny, kind, supportive, great husbands. Then the baby comes along. And they’ve been shocked by how much with parenting entails. They’ve not helped, been useless, allowed their wife to be default parent all the time. You can’t always know.
I hope you’re okay OP. If you need to cry, cry. Get help from your mum and don’t be ashamed to tell her what he’s been like.

I can't believe what I'm reading how fucking dare he!!!

For info OP the amount you can pump is zero reflection on your milk supply! Some womens boobs simply don't respond to a pump and won't relinquish the milk. A 7% drop is all within normal range and actually very good.

Secondly call his mum can she come visit and rip him a new one?! This type of behaviour is completely unacceptable and is getting into abusive territory.

In your shoes I would be calling my mum and asking him to leave as he's clearly not helping infant he's doing the opposite. Do not let him think this sort of behaviour is anyway acceptable.

Then tell her!
Whatever takes to snap him out of this horrible, selfish attitude.
Don't wait for her visit; call her.

This post has made me so angry.

You either need to tell him what’s expected and he does it or ask him to stay at his mums whilst she comes to stay with you. He needs to either step up or fuck off.

IMO he’s expected to keep the house spotless, cook and make sure you have drinks and snacks and pass you muslins or a cushion and whatever you need, and tell you you are doing great. You are expected to do everything for that baby, not for him. He’s expected to do everything for you. It’s just you and the baby in this period. He’s gone down in the pecking order. What did he expect? A mother to put her baby second? If you think about what you would want for the mother of your child to be like….you want them to put your baby first.

Breastfeeding is hard. Cluster feeding is normal. I would supplement with formula and ensure the baby is full and content. Pumping will hopefully bring on your supply. If it doesn’t, switch to formula (it was such a relief for me when I had next to nothing milk).

Honestly, he will bring on PND if you’re not careful. IVF is shit (we had lots) and this is your miracle baby - he’s not really acting like your miracle husband. Take the pressure off yourself and just focus on the baby with some proper support. If this happens to be his mother or yours and not him, then so be it.

OP I mix fed both my DC and it definitely saved my sanity. Expressing is torturous so don’t do it if you don’t need to. Have you spoken to midwife/lactation consultant about the feeding. They can be incredibly helpful. Either helping with problems or reassuring you it’s normal and your baby is feeding well.

Your DP is being a dick. I’d give him a chance and tell him he needs to shape up. Tell his mum to speak to him and ask your mum to come early to help you.

Honestly those first few weeks are just so so hard and you need support

OP the first few weeks are challenging, your hormones drop off a cliff and it everything feels more awful than it would normally add in sleep deprivation and it’s a nightmare.

If he’s not listening to you, invite your mum or the MIL (or both) round to help kick him up the butt. Be very clear what you need and how he can help.

I promise it will get better, as someone who never believed people when they said this as I couldn’t see it getting better….it really do!

If you start to really struggle or have darker thoughts please reach out to your midwife

You need to do something. Ideas to consider - You could ask the health visitor to come explain to him, ring his mum and explain how shit he is, get a family member of yours to come stay, go to your mums with the baby, ask him to move out. He is shit and do not let him just get away with this. Sorry it’s so hard.

Does he know how close his behaviour is taking him to being divorced

When he gets back to work if he starts telling people how he believes newborns should be and then talks about how wrong you have got everything he will get a total bollocking from some of the mothers and fathers in the workforce and find his standing completely demolished for showing his arrogance and being an idiot

I hate to say it but be on the look out for the young childfree woman who will lap up his laments over his non existent marriage as his wife is now obsessed with newborn.
She will be there to massage his ego among other things

Personally I would bin him off now. It’s going to make your life and breast feeding experience so much better.

You can do without someone stressing you out. Stress can deplete milk flow

Its not your hormones, its your husband. Also, dont introduce formula just because he is useless. Feed the baby the way you want, absolutely, but hes not going to improve if you introduce bottles, youll just have more things to wash. He has shown you who he is Im afraid.

I’m the mother to an older teenage son. In years to come, if my son was behaving like this towards his wife and newborn child, I would want to know.

I would then tackle it a few ways. I would want to find out where this has all come from. If he is struggling mentally himself. But bottom line, I would do whatever it took to make him realise that his behaviour is risking his marriage and his relationship with his child.

According to my mum, my dad was absolutely clueless when their first baby was born. After 6 weeks, my mum left him and took my dsis to stay with my grandparents. My dad was in bits and his mother made it quite clear what he needed to do to buck up. Mum and dsis were back home after a week and my parents had a very long and happy marriage.

But my dad was just clueless and very nervous. There were no classes for dads back in the late 60s. No Google nor ChatGPT to help. But what is your DH’s excuse @SpookyTeacup?

Edited to add: my dad once told me that the week my mum was gone was the worst week of his life. I’m not convinced that Spooky’s DH would say the same.

I think at this moment you need support so I would ask your mum if she could come sooner. I would also speak to his mum and try to remain calm and explain that he isn't helping and you are struggling. I'd keep it factual, don't make any excuses for his behaviour just be honest.

I'd then speak to your hv about where you can get breastfeeding support in your area. Some surgeries run a clinic once a week, some have specialist support at the local hospital. You need to know what is there and how to access it. I had all the same feelings re being a failure in not being able to produce enough milk to sustain my baby and had to use formula. Only my dad got me out of it by saying that I mattered too.

If you do have to or decide to use formula don't beat yourself up about it. Hope you get all the support you need and congratulations on the birth of your baby.

@SpookyTeacup

Is this genuinely out of the blue and new behaviour? Because if so then I’d want a really frank conversation with him to ask wtf he’s playing at.

My DH games, plays board games etc. always has. When we had kids he was entirely present and completely supportive - the two can coexist. He’s stil like that now and does a proper shift with the kids.

If you are completely honest, and he was always like this then you need to consider life without him.

As things are now I’d go and stay with your mum if you can. Get some real help and support.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

Have you got anyone else who can be there for you? Your parents?
I’d go and stay with them if you can or chuck your waste of space partner to leave and have someone come and stay with you if you can.

Sounds like you’re doing a great job with very little support. It’s very normal for newborns to be on the boob pretty much constantly. Hopefully you have breastfeeding support from your midwife/HV? Might be worth getting your latch checked or check for tongue tie if you haven’t already.
Newborn stage is hard for every new mum,
of course you love your baby but it’s still so hard and you need looking after