Fed up already maternity leave

[SpookyTeacup]

I'm miserable. I've waited so long for my miracle baby and I absolutely love her to death. Her dad, however, is showing me what a complete waste of a human he is. I'm 1 week PP, trying to exclusively breastfeed and he gets angry with us both because she's always feeding and it's not 'normal' (she's cluster feeding). He's laughed at how little milk I'm able to pump, called my nipples weird because theyre flat. All he's done for the whole paternity leave is game despite me asking for attention - he laughs at me. He's physically supportive by doing the bare minimum of changing a dirty nappy, cleaning, or having me take her to him - only if she's sleeping - to have in a cot next to him whilst he games so I can have a short nap. There's zero emotional support for me and he laughs if I suggest it. I let him sleep through the night and I deal with all the feeding, crying, nappies. I'm so tired and running on zero. He's gotten angry with us both again cause of her cluster feeding and now I can't settle her. I'm so upset

I cannot believe there were no signs of this man being an arsehole before the baby. Nothing at all?

You’d be surprised the number of blokes who turn into a man-child due to jealousy once their baby is born having previously shown no indication that they would be anything other than a normal, supportive partner.

OP - talk to your midwife and/or HV. Call your Mum. Tell your partner to go elsewhere for a couple days and have a long hard think about what he wants. Do NOT put up with having to look after a newborn and a man-sized toddler who can’t cope with not being your priority anymore. You’re doing it all alone anyway, I can guarantee you’ll have room to breathe without him in your space.

Sending virtual support, I too had cluster feeding babies, with my second I was fortunate to see an IBCLC who diagnosed a tongue tie and after treatment the feeding improved & she was exclusively breastfed & gained weight fine. (But I could never pump much). With my first I didn't know any of this was a thing, but looking back she had a lot of the symptoms of tongue tie, I persevered longer with the breastfeeding than I should have done, she was much happier on formula.

If you can afford it you may find it helpful to see an IBCLC Lactation consultant. They are the skilled professionals in breastfeeding. I'm not sure what the fees are these days, it will likely vary depending on whether you go to them or have a home visit, some offer on line, but I would doubt how effective this would be as they can't examine you or baby.

If you are now adding in some formula it should be your husband preparing the bottles and giving them, ideally while you sleep.

Hoping things improve for you soon.

Cluster feeding is totally normal and the amount you can pump is no indication of how much you are producing. Have a read of Breastfeeding your newborn - what to expect in the early weeks.

What isn’t normal is anger from your “D”P. This is extremely worrying.

Don’t worry about asking your Mum to stay whilst he’s in paternity leave, call her today and ask her to come and then speak to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline about how he’s behaving and how you’re feeling about that. They have a Live Chat facility of that’s easier for you than a phone call

Tell him to go back to work if he’s not going to help. Then make a plan to leave him.

OP you say his mum would tear him a new one if she knew. If you get on with her, would it be good if she stayed after your mum leaves?

Tell his mum, tell your mum, tell the midwives, tell everyone. You’re looking after a newborn so you can’t take on everything. The worst that can happen is he doesn’t change and takes it all badly, but if it continues as it is how will your relationship survive anyway? As it is, even if he turns things around, I think you’re going to have a lot of resentment towards him (rightfully so).

At one week old the baby's stomach is the size of an apricot & can hold 60mls

Do not have children with gamers. They are brain dead and useless as parents.

Stop protecting him. YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. He should be ashamed. Tell your mum he’s not giving you the support you need. Tell his mum if you are in contact with her.

Congratulations on your miracle baby OP, you are doing a great job💐

Get in contact ASAP with your Mum/MIL. Tell then honestly about the situation/lack of support and that you need their help as your P thinks he’s on Gaming Leave.

I would be heartbroken to find out my Daughter/Daughter in Law was in this situation and would do everything I could to help. Do not let him ruin your precious newborn stage.

Firstly. He's a twat.

Secondly, screaming at the boob and refusing to settle are 100% normal - it is 0 indication of your milk supply and totally a biological mechanic for your baby to make you breasts produce more milk in the future - like putting in an advanced order. The thrashing and screaming they do speak directly to your hypothalamus which is responsible for your milk supply. Baby needs to do it.

Thirdly, why are are pumping? Pumping is not an indication of milk supply and if it's so dad can feed baby something tells me this loser won't we doing that and the effort and energy you are expending in pumping needs to be reserved for now. If you really want to pump, wait 6-12 weeks for your supply to establish and settle.

Fourthly. Congratulations on your new baby!

Not all of us!

Nah, my husband is a gamer, he is an incredible and engaged father and equal partner. Better than a golfer or someone who is obsessed with sporting fixtures.

Sorry you are experiencing this!
Sounds like he is in shock what reality with a baby really is like and is reacting in the most unattractive unmature way.

If you can manage, get yourself a consultant for the breastfeeding /not sure what they are called in the UK/ who will help you with correct latching, holding positions and ways to help milk production. All the stress you are having with husband belittling and ignoring you unfortunately doesnt help.

Sending a hug!

@SpookyTeacup the first weeks and months with a new baby are really hard and cluster feeding totally normal but exhausting. Get your mum there to support you as soon as you can and get as much rest as possible at every opportunity.
Realistically you will probably never be able to forgive your DH for his awful behaviour at such a vulnerable time but that will play out in the future.
Get whatever support you can elsewhere for now (including his DM?) and try to enjoy your precious newborn. Those days are so short in the scheme of things.

Generally these men don't show their true colours until the baby is conceived or born, it's like people are oblivious to how abusive behaviour starts or they are willfully ignorant.

Op, ask your MIL to come over more often.
Suggest to her that she comes over and helps her DS come to terms with how to help and how to encourage early bonding and feeding. He is a new Dadand completely ignorant.
You are allowed an adult relationship with her and you don't need to ask permission from your DH.

Do you have a breast feeding counsellor service?
You might benefit from a couple of very supportive visits from experienced women.

Bless you, youre doing an amazing job. Congratulations on your baby daughter, what a blessing for you.

I'm so sorry your partner is being a twat, he doesn't have a clue what he is talking about.

Cluster feeding, totally normal, especially in thr evening. Its exhausting but its how babies increase Mums supply.

Pumping means nothing. I could never pump, but could easily drown my kids when nursing them. The mechanisms of baby nursing vs a mechanical pump is different and not everyone's boobs react to a pump the same as a baby feeding.

Sounds like your partner thought he'd be getting a 2 week holiday, and not realised its actually 2 weeks to support a new mum get settled. Trust me, it'll be so much easier for you once he goes back to work. You'll work out your routine, and it'll improve each month.

Frankly, I think he needs a bloody good talking to but I doubt it'll make a difference.

Tell his Mum, tell your Mum, tell your midwife and health visitor, tell everyone. Get him pulled up by other women. He needs a massive kick up the arse. You have nothing to be ashamed of, he has.

Huge congratulations on your miracle baby.

If his mum would ‘rip him a new one’ then speak to her and tell her what’s going on.

i disagree with everyone saying ‘go to your mum’. I would have a simple conversation with him, ‘you have got two weeks paternity leave to help with me and the baby and you are spending it gaming whilst I am just exhausted. If this is going to work, I need you to stop gaming and be an equal partner-this is hard and we both need to be working hard at it.’

I wouldn’t give him the freedom to do what he wants for a fortnight and then say, ‘oh but you should have just asked me for help’ afterwards

"He practically regressed to being a baby himself, and I spent 3 years taking care of a man child and a baby/toddler."

I've said many times that once you become the mother to their child they want you to be their mother too & regress back to being a child themselves. It's VERY common, as is men being jealous of their own baby because it's getting all your attention, which they used to get. I have no doubt these grown ass men start acting like children because they're competing with baby for attention & for the #1 spot as the center of our universe again. It's truly pathetic!

My ex did this too & I've heard countless other women with the same story. This really isn't talked about enough!

BF'ing is intense and draining for the first 6 weeks and it's your only job. Don't mess your supply around with pumping, nature is primed for baby to set the level of supply and demand. I would phone your Mum today, tell her what you've said here and ask her to come or if you can go there. Sadly a lot of men show their true colours the first time you ever really need them - and you don't have to tolerate it. Don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy. I hope things get better for you

Does he have friends with small children, could they speak to him. He sounds an arsehole but could also be anxious and scared he does things wrong -his father around?
my DS’s partner is due in 4months and he is already txting about should he go to a wedding 2weeks before, etcetc seems unexpectedly anxious

congratulations op
im sorry your partner is being a lazy arse.

if he continues to do the ‘im working during the day and you arent so you should do everything for baby’it might be helpful to remind him that monday to friday day youll do everything but evenings and weekends he needs to take his fair share of turns. (and the occasional night feed too which youll decide on as youre the one feeding and you want him reasonably fresh for his work).

in the meantime uf be saying. “Right you're on paternity leave to support the baby so what do you want to do for baby today as youre not off work to play games all day. you two need to bond snd we both need to get more confident with baby so we need to crack on”