Fed up already maternity leave

[SpookyTeacup]

I'm miserable. I've waited so long for my miracle baby and I absolutely love her to death. Her dad, however, is showing me what a complete waste of a human he is. I'm 1 week PP, trying to exclusively breastfeed and he gets angry with us both because she's always feeding and it's not 'normal' (she's cluster feeding). He's laughed at how little milk I'm able to pump, called my nipples weird because theyre flat. All he's done for the whole paternity leave is game despite me asking for attention - he laughs at me. He's physically supportive by doing the bare minimum of changing a dirty nappy, cleaning, or having me take her to him - only if she's sleeping - to have in a cot next to him whilst he games so I can have a short nap. There's zero emotional support for me and he laughs if I suggest it. I let him sleep through the night and I deal with all the feeding, crying, nappies. I'm so tired and running on zero. He's gotten angry with us both again cause of her cluster feeding and now I can't settle her. I'm so upset

Apart from all the things already said/asked by previous posters: do you drink and eat enough? Because you need this to make enough breastmilk...

Does he at least do the washing, cooking and cleaning? Or is he also letting this stack up?

You and your baby deserve so much better. Can you speak to your mum about moving in for a while to get yourself sorted?

@SpookyTeacup I had a supportive DP and I massively craved help from my mum. Please call her and get her to come. Establishing breastfeeding is genuinely one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and my mum was a great support. She came to stay when my DP went back to work but I’d if I’d known how invaluable her support would have been I’d have got her in straight away.

As soon as you have the strength, please get rid of him. Has shown his true colours, and there's nothing he could ever to excuse this behaviour.

Then tell her, you’ve got nothing to lose by letting his mummy take the reins here- you’ve already lost any respect you had for him and I’m hoping you’ll either leave him as soon as you feel physically strong enough, or his mother will give him such a fierce kick up the ass he’ll realise what a cunt he has been and step up now and forever.

either way, you’ll never forget this and it will linger in your heart forever. Being let down postpartum is a deep hurt.

congratulations on your miracle baby. Thank goodness she has a wonderful mum. The feeding will get easier x

Well tell her.
If you think he'd listen, tell her, invite her round let her see.

Let her chew his ear off.

He sounds abusive, laughing, mocking and getting angry aren't the usual lazy / shit dad, they're behaviours that are actively sabotaging and undermining you. Please consider going to stay with your mum. Also consider getting a tongue tie specialist to have a look at your baby to help with feeding, it's hugely misunderstood and underdoagnosed at hospital and can really help with feeding, and the earlier it's done the better

Then tell her

I completely agree with this.
My experience of first time postpartum was similar to yours, things did improve once I involved our parents so that he was called out on his behaviour and then supported to get antidepressants and bond with the baby. Not saying your DH is depressed but you shouldn’t be expected to sort whatever if going on for him out while also dealing with first time motherhood yourself.
You need care and support which he clearly isn’t giving right now, so please do speak to your mum and MIL.

Sending you a big hug, this is hard but you will get through it, with or without him but with your wonderful DC.

My DH is now a fantastic partner and dad, having just gone back to work from paternity leave with DC2. Hopefully with a kick up the bum and some tough love from family your DH will get there and you’ll have the support you need from others while he does.

As an aside, it might be worth getting a midwife to check the baby when feeding. If your nipples are really flat (and not just him being a twunt) then it may be you need some help to address that, so she can latch on better.

@SpookyTeacup

Phone your mum ask her to come over.

Once you have an agreed tome phone his mum and tell her what's happening and ask if she is willing to come and collect him as you need him out of the house for a few days due to his obscene behaviour (it is obscene)

This FEELS nuclear - i get it.
But this or something ir similar that nature thst signals HOW serious you are is the right thing to do.
Also he is on pat leave so theres no (i cant go to mums how will it get to work or whatever)
Do it now.

You are honestly you are much better to address this right now, show him you will die on this hill vs let it drag and the habits get entrenched.

I had 2 under 2 and had some zingers with dh early doors, he absolutely got with the program.
Last week I went on a work trip for a week having done no prep leaving no lists, with nothing bit reassurance and support from my dh.
The kids are barely 2 and 4 and he is totally competent and an actual coparent.

On the BF... I know it feels emotionally loaded and like a huge deal. I spend 4months and thousands of pounds (literally) trying to BF and destroyed my mental health. If it doesnt pan out, Formula is okay too.

OP, it was after having children, almost instantly - though if I am honest there were a couple of sign in pregnancy - that I realised my H was going to be a crap husband now we had kids and crap Father. I tried, for far too long, to tell myself that this was some adjustment period, that everyone knows having a baby puts pressure on a marriage etc.

But behaviour like his and your H's is so far beyond normal that its not just normal strain. Its a sign of how he really thinks and feels and who he really is.

The honest truth is that you need to end this marriages. Maybe not now, but do it when you are ready and when your child is still young. This is who your H is. It is only going to get worse and it will destroy you if you try to make it work.

In the end it turns out my H has autism ( very common for becoming a parent to bring the autistic traits and behaviours to the fore ). Maybe yours does too. Who knows? At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. My H and yours behave like this because this is who they are and it won't change and you will send yourself insane trying to get them to change. So don't even try.

I agree with watermybegonias. Ask your midwife about whether there is a breastfeeding support advisor. I had flat nipples and really struggled to feed my first. He never came off because he couldn't latch properly and wasn't getting enough to feel full. It was very painful and tough. I didn't realise what the problem was until I had my second though and was able to breastfeed her. Good support and advice will make it much easier.

Hi - it is normal for small babies to cluster feed. Also it’s worth getting someone to check whether she has tongue-tie - as this can lead to babies not feeding properly & seemingly needing constant feeding because they aren’t able to latch properly. It also causes stomach ache and crying as they are taking in air as they try to feed. A posterior tounge tie can be harder to see and therefore is sometimes missed.

Kick him out and move your mum in.
It’s bad enough that he doesn’t know what cluster feeding is but it’s absolutely abhorrent that he refuses to educate himself.
He’s an abusive, pathetic waste of a human.

second Kelly mom.

nipple shields may help too but I’d speak to someone who knows. Ask HV for any local bf groups

🤔 are you seriously so naive that your not aware that lots of men start being abusive once their partner is pregnant / had a baby?

On god, not another totally sanctimonious post. Only on mumsnet

I know it's easy to say leave, but when your ready, you need to

It's been almost a decade and it still upsets me that my ex robbed me of the joy of a newborn. I'll never forgive him for that.

My ex used to moan about the baby and at one point very angrily said "you love him more than me" 🤦‍♀️

OP reach out to your mum and ask her to come and stay so she can help / support you. Your husband / baby’s dad sounds truly awful. He’s angry with you when you’re at your most vulnerable and he’s angry with a newborn baby. He has shown you who he really is. Is that the future you want for you and your daughter? Send him packing!

You’re doing an incredible job in an exhausting moment, cluster feeding at 1 week is completely normal, and none of this is a reflection of your body or your parenting. 💛

You deserve kindness and real support right now, if he won’t give it, please reach out to someone you trust and remember you and your baby are not the problem.

Just because you can't pump enough milk it doesn't mean you don't produce enough. I couldn't pump any at all. Don't bottle feed just to satisfy him if otherwise you don't want to. Call your mum and good luck!

sorry this is your reality at the moment, what was your husband like before the baby came, maybe he’s frightened. But there is no excuse for being unkind. Get your mum over.talk to him. Don’t let him get away with bad behaviour. Congratulations on your little baby. I hope you are able to sort things out.

Why ? It’s the truth. He’s not the slightest bit interested in either OP or his child. Instead of using his paternity leave to actually help out he’s spending it gaming. I don’t believe for a second that there would have been no indication that this would happen because it’s clearly who he is.

The fact that IVF was involved here suggests that the overall priority was having a baby, with little to no thought as to the kind of father he would be, and as a consequence a baby has been brought into a shitshow of a relationship.

It really doesn’t bode well for the future that this man is angry and mocking of the mother of his child when she is at her most vulnerable, or that he is angry at his new born daughter. I’d be rethinking the relationship to be honest because it sounds as though his first priority in any given situation is himself.

Regarding pumping have you tried the Hakaa pump ? I used to get very little from the electric pump but would sometimes get 2 or 3 ounces into the hakaa pump while feeding on the other breast. You can get cheaper ones that aren’t Hakaa brand but it’s relatively cheap anyway and worth a try.
also I used nipple shields and they didn’t affect my supply definitely ask health visitor