Fed up already maternity leave

[SpookyTeacup]

I'm miserable. I've waited so long for my miracle baby and I absolutely love her to death. Her dad, however, is showing me what a complete waste of a human he is. I'm 1 week PP, trying to exclusively breastfeed and he gets angry with us both because she's always feeding and it's not 'normal' (she's cluster feeding). He's laughed at how little milk I'm able to pump, called my nipples weird because theyre flat. All he's done for the whole paternity leave is game despite me asking for attention - he laughs at me. He's physically supportive by doing the bare minimum of changing a dirty nappy, cleaning, or having me take her to him - only if she's sleeping - to have in a cot next to him whilst he games so I can have a short nap. There's zero emotional support for me and he laughs if I suggest it. I let him sleep through the night and I deal with all the feeding, crying, nappies. I'm so tired and running on zero. He's gotten angry with us both again cause of her cluster feeding and now I can't settle her. I'm so upset

Everything you have written about you and your baby are completely normal struggles for 1 week pp and to be expected, in fact I struggled with breastfeeding for much much longer, but I stuck it out with the help and support of my lovely husband and the midwives. I have breastfed 3 children now and never managed to pump much, it was no indication of what my baby could get out. My first child had a tongue tie which they stupidly didn't check for until 5 weeks old, I had no idea what I was looking for as a 1st time mum, has someone checked your baby for one?

The only thing that isn't normal in all this is the waste of space you had your baby with. He's on paternity leave and he's sat gaming? Is he 12? I would ask him to leave, send him back to his parents, he's acting like a child so maybe he needs to live with his parents? Get your mum around and some proper support in place, you will feel so much better. Your husband needs a good shake and to grow up about 20 years, I'm quite frankly shocked that this is a much wanted ivf pregnancy and this is how he's behaving. I know 6 or 7 people who have ivf babies/children, 1 thing they all have in common is incredibly devoted husbands/fathers. Your husband sounds like a teen who has had an accidental pregnancy, not someonewho is married who has been through ivf for a much wanted baby.

You are doing great, you just need some better support, get your mum around as soon as you can, you will feel so much better with someone there to help and support you.

Why on earth do you feel you have the “right” to criticise someone who is feeling so vulnerable?

Don’t be such an arsehole!

I don’t understand how he can just change overnight if he was good before? He must be an absolute psycho.
you need to find your voice. You DEMAND he speaks to you better or he can pack his bags and leave. Shock him, bloody mean it!!!!! Phone your mum and get her to come down now. You’ve nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s your loser of a DP.

I let him sleep through the night and I deal with all the feeding, crying, nappies. I'm so tired and running on zero.

Why isn’t he doing anything? Especially as he’s off work. I’m guessing you did most of the household chores before you got pregnant? If I was you, I’d speak to my mum and MIL about how useless your husband is.

Go to your mums. Don’t let him spoil your newborn time. How she’s feeding is normal not your fault. Baby and you are both brand new to something it takes time not getting angry with you. Bet things all seem better when you are away from him.

It's horrible because you are basically telling a vulnerable post-partum new mum that it's her fault. She can't go back in time and not have a baby with him, so the only reason for your comment is to make her even more upset than she is already.

Go visit your mum.and don't come.back. leave him a note explaining the issues you saying that if he wants to be a family he needs to act like a dad. You say partner not husband so no need to put him on the birth certificate.

What’s the point in saying it to a mum who is 1 week post partum and exhausted . The baby is here already. Saying something like this isn’t useful advice

Congratulations for your baby. The first few weeks with a newborn are really hard. Having a loving supportive partner makes all the difference. He laughed at you! How dare he. There will be many challenges as parents and he has failed at the first hurdle. Your DH is showing his true colours when you are at your most vulnerable and sadly domestic violence is really common during pregnancy and soon after birth.

Please tell his mum and you mil about how he is behaving. You need support right now and you have nothing to hide. Also make arrangements to go and stay with your family asap. You need to be away from this man for you and you DDs safety.

When you feel ready then make plans to divorce him. It will not get better, only worse.

Definitely this!
Some women with the best will in the world don't produce enough milk to feed an extra hungry unsettled baby causing grief for all concerned.

I’m so sorry this is the hardest of times even with good support. Please reach out to friends and family. He is being ignorant and cruel. You are doing amazing already.
deciding if the cluster feeding and crying is wi
within normal range or hunger is so so hard- I’ve been there. I persisted and it did get better in the end - in one way feel proud I did, in one way I wonder if it was for the best for them and me. Keep an eye on the weight and do what works for you

If you can’t be helpful or supportive just don’t post

Well, maybe you should tell her. He wants to act like a child...

Agree regarding combi feeding . I breastfed my first and I remember he cluster fed almost constantly. In the end my DH gave him a bottle or two at night so that I could sleep . It didn’t affect my supply . I would have gone insane if I hadn’t done it. it’s so tough at the start but regardless of what way you decide to feed it will get easier , usually starting around 6-8 weeks which sounds like forever away when at the start but it will come quicker than you think.
This man sounds absolutely awful. Both useless and abusive , criticising you when you are working so hard to look after your baby so well while he is skulking around doing nothing and criticising your body. I feel angry for you just thinking about it.

@SpookyTeacup yourw going through a reallyhatd time, you have my sympathy.
Pumping helped me with my milk supply but in the early days o could hardly pump 30ml. That doesn't mean your baby is not getting enough when they breastfeed though so dont worry about it. Mother tea (you can buy on Amazon) also helped me if you want to give it a try. But it is very normal for babies to cluster feed especially in the first few weeks (as you know because your MW told you that!)
The stress will not help your milk supply though, you need that oxytocin flowing. Call him out on his behaviour and if he doesn't stop go stay with your mum for a bit. How much paternity leave does he have?
If you dont want that,is there a 2nd bedroom he can go sleep at, so you have some peace with the baby?
He is being absolutely horrible and i hope he can see that if you speak to him.

Sorry op. I don’t think even if he improved, i would ever be able to get past this behaviour from him.

Please contact your mum and MIL for more urgent support, please call your DH on his terrible and behaviour.

And please don’t kill yourself over breastfeeding. I struggled and never got a full supply with DC1 (also has flat nipples). Wasted so much energy expressing. You already have enough going on.

The overnight feeds are the important ones where baby ‘orders’ the milk for the next day so try not to use formula for that feed - maybe do it during the day. You’re one week pp, you shouldn’t need to be pumping already - you’ve got so much going on! Give yourself a break with the pumping, they say start at 6 weeks if you need to but unless you genuinely have supply issues (baby not gaining weight, has jaundice etc) you shouldn’t need to pump. Xx

I'm so sorry your partner is being a dick to you and your child. I agree with all the pp who've said to tell both his mum and yours, so they can support you and your baby.

On a practical note: kellymom was the most helpful resource when I was breastfeeding my first. Maybe it can help you too.

7 percent weight loss is normal as is feeding constantly to build supply at this point. If the constant feeding continues for weeks it can be a sign of poor latch or comfort feeding due to an allergy eg CMPA (easily dealt with by cutting out milk and sometimes soya too from your diet) but at this point it’s normal baby behaviour to build supply.

Separarely, your DH is an abusive prick.

Yeah and gosh I would think you’ll be happier if you drop the formula and the pumping tbh, that’s just an additional thing to think about.

OP the early days are so difficult, please get some support - your Mum, his Mum, both Mums-don't delay.

Re the breastfeeding the only hard and fast rule is that the best way to increase supply is to feed the baby. I was rubbish at expressing with my eldest and spent the first few months more or less clamped to him. Which was actually lovely, but I was able to lean on other people to pick up the slack. With my second I had to return to work very early but thankfully found expressing a lot easier.

I'm sorry your DH is being such a knob. Don't blame yourself and please reach out to some people who can help you xxx

Why did you say this? How does it help the situation?

OP, he sounds awful, I’m not sure what you can do currently because you’re energy is of course taken up with looking after your little one.

Get your mum to cone earlier, whilst you establish breast feeding and look after you properly. If she adjs why, tell her. Tell her in front of your “d” h and let him suffer the embarrassment.

Long term, I don’t think you can stay in the relationship. He’s been too awful.

1 week pp I wouldn't be pumping. Get the baby on the breast. She'll build your supply and be far more efficient than the pump.

Night feeds are what really get the supply going to begin with so if you can and want to exclusively pump then I'd try and hold off the formula too. It very early, your milk will only just have come in.

At 1 week old her tummy is the size of a marble- she only wants a tiny amount of milk. Please don't start fretting over how much you can pump- some ladies can never pump much but feed babies for years.

And it's perfectly normal for her to be on you all the time- my first was feeding 12-14hours as a newborn. It was relentless

Could you give him a list of tasks he could do to make your life easier. Mine is very good at completing things that have been specifically laid out for him but less good (dreadful) at thinking up these ideas himself (going food shopping, vacuuming, fixing the bathroom door) once he was in the groove he now doesn’t need any prompts on baby 4 lol. Not defending the behaviour in any way but some of it might come from a place of feeling powerless as he can’t settle the baby if the baby settles with breast milk I was annoyed in the beginning as mine would rock the baby for like five mins and then sit on the sofa with the baby crying and I was always like you need to try harder but to him he just couldn’t settle the baby as he couldn’t feed her so it was pointless trying. Migjt it be the same sort of thinking coz then u could send him out with baby in the pram or sling or something when baby has finished feeding? Yesterday mine was waltzing round the kitchen cooking with the baby in a sling (this was inconceivable with baby 1)so all hope is not lost. Try and show him what he could do to help (I know he should know but maybe he doesn’t and he could learn) Are there any men who could tell him how hard small babies are this sometimes works better. Also with breastfeeding it gets better, baby one clustered like a maniac for the first month and i swore blind I would quit but it then got better and I forgot all about my woes. So if you want to breastfeed u just got to get over that initial hump. There are breastfeeding groups the National breastfeeding helpline which could support you also

good luck

You deserve support and love. On this platform and, most definitely at home. A newborn baby will cluster feed. You will be exhausted emotionally and physically. Your husband sounds as though he is floundering and feeling insecure. Your focus is the baby. His is himself. Putting aside his hurtful comments-for now-think of what you would like him to do and give him that role. Has he taken the baby for a walk in the buggy yet? Can he shop for food treats? I’d get a loving relative to come round fairly soon. You sound in need of a loving grown up.