Fed up already maternity leave

[SpookyTeacup]

I'm miserable. I've waited so long for my miracle baby and I absolutely love her to death. Her dad, however, is showing me what a complete waste of a human he is. I'm 1 week PP, trying to exclusively breastfeed and he gets angry with us both because she's always feeding and it's not 'normal' (she's cluster feeding). He's laughed at how little milk I'm able to pump, called my nipples weird because theyre flat. All he's done for the whole paternity leave is game despite me asking for attention - he laughs at me. He's physically supportive by doing the bare minimum of changing a dirty nappy, cleaning, or having me take her to him - only if she's sleeping - to have in a cot next to him whilst he games so I can have a short nap. There's zero emotional support for me and he laughs if I suggest it. I let him sleep through the night and I deal with all the feeding, crying, nappies. I'm so tired and running on zero. He's gotten angry with us both again cause of her cluster feeding and now I can't settle her. I'm so upset

@SpookyTeacup I hope things get easier soon. Try and ignore him and enjoy this time. It’s definitely a period of adjustment for all and some just adjust more easily than others. Congratulations too on the arrival of your daughter!

I’m so so sorry.

How much you can express is not and indication of how much milk you are producing. It can be difficult to get right. Right size flange will make a huge difference.

I would actually stop expressing for now and let your milk regulate to babies needs. Do you really need to supplement? You supply increases due to babies demand so if you supplement this early your body wont know to make more milk.

Do you have a local breastfeeding support group?

I would also suggest speaking to midwife/ health visitor about what is going on with your husband. They are there to support you.

Lovely, you are only 1 week pp with a huge learning curve ahead that's hard enough for two of you, let alone you trying to struggle on your own.

You need his support not his condescension nor his ignorance!

Get him telt now, he needs to know what's expected of him.

"His mum would rip him a new one if she knew" Would he listen? if so

Tell her, this very morning, he needs a goddamn slap wake-up call

I'm delighted that after your fertility struggles, you have your gorgeous miracle baby @SpookyTeacup despite these initial teething troubles, enjoy her 🌸

If his mum will rip him a new one then tell her. Hopefully he'll listen.
Is there any chance you can go to your mum's instead of her coming to you? I know it might not be possible as you're still recovering and your baby is tiny but I think you'd recover better if you were away from him. Or it will give him the wake up call to stop being a dick.
I'm worried for you. He's already verbally abusive it won't take much for him to escalate.
This is why I suggested going to your mum's where you can get the help you need and focus on your new baby (rather than your really nasty partner).

Ugh, I had one of these. Normal behaviour until about two weeks pp and used to mock me for reading baby books / googling things, pretended it was coming from a good place because he didn’t want me to be stressed out and overloaded with info. He was a prick though and I sacked him off by the time DS was three.

Get your mum and some friends organised to help you - I’d support even a vague acquaintance who was struggling with a new baby. People will help. Then make a longer term plan to get rid of the man.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling OP, what an awful situation.

I agree with others you really need some support and as he quite clearly isn’t prepared to give it to you then you need to find someone who is. Your mum, a friend, family, don’t suffer on alone to protect his imagine as partner & dad of the year. He should be taking care of you both but he isn’t, any shame about that is firmly on his shoulders.

Wow @PinkyFlamingo , just so unhelpful. If you can't think of anything constructive to add......

I'll second this. My friend went through 10 years of IVF. Her DH matryed himself on it, supported her, went on about how they were so desperate, how they deserved the baby more, etc.

Once baby was here he turned into a complete dick. Friend had a horrendous time, including a C section birth. She told old me the night she got home he woke her at 3am, on his way to bed after gaming all night, because the baby's awake & needs feeding (bottle fed from birth). Also the public help he gave her 'was purely for show, he does nothing '.

It was really shocking. You often just don't know until it's too late.

Op, your baby is cluster feeding and that's completely normal. I'd move to a spare bedroom if you have one, where you can feed your baby without the nasty ignorant comments of your partner. Create an environment that suits you & baby. Lighting, background music, pillows, drinks in thermal cups.
Let your mum know what is happening. Your partner is a waste of space and having your mum around is also completely normal. Imagine how hurt she would be if she found you and her grandchild were struggling and you didn't tell her. Let her help if she will.
Forget about any long term decisions for today or tomorrow.
My ex was much the same, morphed into an abusive git when ds was three days old. We left when ds was two. You can address that issue when you have the energy. Right now you need to concentrate on getting feeding & sleep patterns established, and on your recovery.
Talk to your HV. Get out in the fresh air as much as possible. Ask the HV to check you aren't anaemic.
I hope you feel better soon xx

Sorry you're having a rough time. I split from my daughter's dad when she was 4 months old and life was instantly easier.

I think he is showing his true colours unfortunately.

oh god she needs to know!

tiny humans are the hardest work!

You’re doing great in the circumstances. Screaming at the boob can be position issues; sometimes walking around feeding would magically help. Look at laid back bf position. They also like to have their feet on something, like your leg.

mine would only feed if we were both lying down, till tongue tie snip. Second baby I mastered the positioning.

if there’s a peer bf group nearby it helps to have someone watch you.

Second drinks in thermal cups and spare bedroom.

make sure you’re eating enough food too

This is very true. It is often the first sign of their abuse. This is a man getting angry with a week old baby for being hungry.

If you are confident his mum will be angry with him, tell her. Also tell the hv, your gp, your mum. Do not let him hide his abusive behaviour.

Sounds like you are doing an amazing job OP and congratulations on your baby. As others have said, cluster feeding is very normal, try and go with it, make sure you are comfortable and have what you need to hand.

Reach out to your mum, his mum, midwife, friend for support. What he is doing is not normal and is not right. Try and join some local baby clubs, build your village.

Wow. What a waste of space he is. You deserve so much more than this. Have you spoken to him about the gaming? Told him you need help? Have a chat with your mum when she arrives. I doubt he will change. He is showing you who he is. So soon after having a baby isn’t the time to make any life changing decisions, but i’d start to have a serious think if I wanted to live my life with this lazy man.

I know young babies are very reliant on mum, especially when bf but his comments are immature and stupid, and he should he looking after the mother of his child, not spending it all gaming.

My ex decided to take his 3wks pat leave (and AL) when DS2 was 10wks old, when things were a bit easier. My mother did come for 3wks (was meant to be 2) when DS2 was 2wks, but those first 2wks I was home alone with him whilst he went to work! It wouldn’t surprise you to know he went to work overseas for many years after we split, leaving me to do the child raising. Youngest is 18 in 3wks and i’ve done a great job raising my kids, so don’t fear doing it alone. It’s a lot better than living with a man child.

All of this, if he thinks his behaviour is acceptable and that you're wrong then he will have no issue you telling people whats going on. You need support are people visiting to see the baby does his behaviour significantly improve infront of people.

Please phone his mum and tell her everything. Get her to visit without letting him know she's coming and let her in quietly and then she can see that's he's gaming for hours. Also get your mum to come a few days earlier.
Having a baby is a real test of a man, I'm so sorry you got a man not up to the job. Hopefully he will learn and grow up.
And just to say you're doing a great job, and everything you said is completely normal. I hope things improve for you.

I would speak to his mum....more in the way of asking her to explain to him what life with a newborn can be like...that way you can let
her know what an abusive twat he is being.
On another note, my DD was like this - cluster feeding, waking up multiple times a night, generally unsettled and I was getting very stressed.
I just wasn't producing much milk so after trying everything, at 6 weeks I changed her to formula. Life was so much better, I just wish I hadn't spent so much time feeling guilty about it.
Secondly, I took her to a cranial osteopath that specialised in babies and within days she was so much more settled.
I'm not suggesting this might work for your DD but sometimes it is worth trying everything, for your own sanity. I would also consider moving in with your mother for a few weeks and telling everyone why!

Oh my word. I find it really alarming that he’s getting angry about it, and you say angry at both you and the week old baby? You’re both so vulnerable right now, I think your mum or his mum or your midwife need alerting to his behaviour. It’s not his uselessness that worries me but his anger and belligerence. You need an extra coat of protection while he goes through whatever he’s going through.

and also, you sound so in love with your new wee baby, deepest congratulations on her safe arrival. I’m in an ivf pregnancy too with a long history behind it so can just about imagine how precious she is to you! Get some reason into your household by way of supportive women, whatever shape or form.

Congratulations on your gorgeous baby xxx
You're doing so well. He seems to be struggling with the change in his life and reacting to it by becoming a total dickhead.
If you have to switch to formula then the baby will be absolutely fine. Hormones and exhaustion make this stage very tricky without the added bonus of your OH turning into a teenage boy.
Talk to your mum and maybe go and stay with her. When you’re stronger and in a better established routine with the baby you can work out what you want to do about the sperm donor.
Focus on how amazing you are.

Please phone your mum, she will want to be with you and look after you. Maybe your mum can pick you and baby up today and stay with them for a bit. Or stay with you and your partner can go elsewhere and think about what a dick he’s been.
Also phone his mum and let her know what a dick he is being! Don’t feel bad at all about letting people know.
I would be very tempted to put his games console in the bin.

I BF two babies without ever being able to get more than about 6ml with any pump. I suspect that a significant part of that was having some prat lingering around the place when the eldest was born; I didn't bother pumping at all with the second, even though that one's father was considerably more intelligent less of a prick and never criticised me once.

If you want to continue BF, being in a secure, non critical environment makes it easier, as you can relax more and possibly try to see if positioning will make a difference - mine latched on better with holding them under my arm and supported on a pillow, rather than laid across me, for example. Another thing that seemed to help trigger the let down was to latch on and then have a drink of water. And if you decide you don't, that's fine, too.

The important thing is to get yourself away from the arsehole, as feeling like you're constantly about to be criticised makes it really hard to relax.

You're being brilliant, don't think you're doing anything less than amazing. It's not you, it's him.

I think you are doing amazing 💐

Of course these men aren’t twats from the start. They know what they’re doing. Pregnancy is the classic time for abuse to ramp up and their true colours to come out, because you’re ‘trapped’ then.

Except you’re not OP - you can absolutely choose whether or not you stay with this man. But that’s maybe not a decision for today.

Today, you need to just get through it. And you will. You have this amazing new baby, a whole brand new person who will be your best friend forever. It will all be fine in the end, there will just be a tricky time for now. It’s a shame, because it shouldn’t be a tricky time, but it is. It will pass though and you will come out stronger.

Feeding - cluster feeding is absolutely a thing. I am a midwife and also BF 3 babies. I have oversupply of milk and even I couldn’t express, it’s no indicator of how much milk you have. Ignore the twat in the next room and just settle yourself on the sofa with snacks, baby and a box set on tv.
7% weight loss is great to you are doing it right!
If it is painful or baby is not settling to a good feed ever, ask the MW for help.

You will get through this, but you will never forgive him and nor should you. Write it down to remind you how he behaved later on, because he will absolutely gaslight you and say it was baby brain fog and actually he did loads🙄

Good luck lovely, keep posting 💐