Sons Sporting Ambition Thwarted?

[GatheringAllTheMoss]

My son has dreamt of becoming an England player in his team sport (not football) for many years. He's reached county level which is fantastic but he's unlikely to go further. Not through lack of talent but more through the lack of opportunities and the advantages that others have. Out of 40 children at county level the overwhelming majority are at private schools. 10 from one school. You can count the number of state school boys on one hand and one is my son.

Private schools start this sport in year 3, state pupils are lucky to get the chance to play, those that do start in year 7. Private schools play at a higher level e.g. private school will field their B team against sons state school A team. The coaches and facilities are at a higher level too.

At club level my son plays with the men's team not with his age group and there is no development route. I can move him to another club but the chances are high that it will be dominated by the private school boys so my son won't be chosen for the team.

I always appreciated that talent would only take him so far and I was willing to do whatever was needed to get him to that point. Just devastated by the reality of what he faces to succeed and that I never really appreciated this.

The thing is, someone has to pay for coaching and balls and all the other things.

No school system, or country, can afford the resources to do this in every sport, or even in every major sport, that a child might choose. One of my staff was paid, as a child from a very modest household in Brazil, to play football. Not just paid for, her recieved money, until an injury meant he couldn't play. Had he wanted hockey, well, he would have been out of luck. New Zealand produces such competitive rugby players because they put all their effort into that program in schools from a young age. If you want to play golf, you are probably going to pay out of pocket as a youth.

My son also dreamed of playing for Country and got as far as County but it was just before Covid, so the training and development was lost for a year. He know still plays for club and Old Boys (school). And gets so much out of it, I think the reality of top level Rugby player is lots of boys dreams but the truth is they are few and far between and my son was at a top English Rugby School and Captain a few years.
Let your son enjoy his sport and the discipline it brings will carry him far in adult life.

About the unfairness of favouritism- I agree it is unfair, and it’s often predictable DC that get the extra attention. However I suspect the coaches are calculating in exactly the same way- that this family will stay the course, that these parents have what it takes. Because no matter how talented a DC is, unless their parents run the entire household around their training needs- school, work holidays, family events- that DC won’t succeed and the coaches input will have been wasted. Coaches invest where it has most chance of success, rather than on talent. Investing in a family that may prioritise a trip to Disney to celebrate a big birthday, despite a competing match- total waste.

Sporting excellence is one of the key selling points of private schools. State schools are like any other public service here - it’s the real bare bones - so there is no money for school sport. Woeful, but that’s life.

I agree rugby is cheap to play, but the development opportunities can vary depending on which club you’re with, and which school you’re at. We have a club we play against that badges itself as the “feeder” club for one of the top women’s teams (rightly or wrongly) and so it hoovers up players and has several girls teams in each age group. Meanwhile we struggle to field 15 some weeks. Clubs also vary in how much they invest time in youth and girls teams. Playing at a school that regularly competes against other schools, enters national competitions and so on is another route to get noticed that may not be open to someone who is just a club player. However, I do agree that county is the development route and if he’s made it that far he’s getting in front of the right people. It is incredibly competitive and only a tiny number will “make it” - we’ve had to have that chat with our DC about different ways of “making it” to manage expectations.

My second cousins were good hockey players and one almost played for England but it’s very competitive. Yes, their dad played too and encouraged them from a young age. Yes it’s very much a private school sport.

When my son went to private school they didn’t play football which was his chosen sport. When he joined a local football team he wasn’t as good as the other boys who all played football at school. Works both ways sometimes

[It can't be rugby as a child absolutely can't play with adults].

OP - Do try to read the article that someone mentioned earlier https://www.economist.com/science-and-technology/2026/01/14/why-child-prodigies-rarely-become-elite-performers - if your son has the talent and mental fortitude to become an elite level athlete, it doesn't matter if he's a tiny bit "behind" now. County level is good in any sport, but there is still plenty of time for him to peak later.

Good that you've seen the importance in a good club. We moved our DC to a different club for their sport and the gulf in coaching quality is vast (even though it's still all just parent volunteers).

If you go to a club where your DS isn't getting picked because the private school kids are, then have a friendly chat with the coaches and work out whether its a talent issue or just a time to build skills issue. But also take the time to get to know the coaches, as they're key to getting your DS into the right pathways (and a good club will know what those pathways are and how to access them). Remember, at all levels, coaches aren't just looking for raw talent. They're looking equally at work ethic, resilience, sporting spirit etc etc.

Yes, it sucks that state school kids just don't get the same opportunities in the school day, but on the flip side, the school day is shorter and your DS can use the time out of school to build his skills - eg fitness training, strength training, or doing specific drills for his sport, or co-ordination training.

My son was a under 21 GB athlete.
(Also county for two other sports from a tiny lad)

Very expensive.
He didn't go to a private school in secondary as the sport wasn't played. He choose state to give him access to clubs and tours.

What I can tell you is the city boys were faster and stronger. They practiced every day. It was their way out of poverty.
My son got injured. He still plays but he was lucky to be clever too. He has a good London job.
Don't put all your sons eggs in one basket. Life can change on a sixpence.

Well, there's certainly some Olympic-level hand-wringing 'it's not fair' whingeing on here!
Coaches, talent scouts and teachers don't have 'favourites' or look for a 'face that fits' - to think they do is disingenuous and immature. They look for talent, commitment, potential, physical and mental resilience, a natural understanding of the sport and its tactics, an appreciation of teamwork and a ruthless competitive spirit. I say this as a very experienced PE teacher who has competed and coached at junior international level.
It is an obvious truth that private schools have the ability to fund teams, but that doesn't detract from the natural abilities and outlook listed above, nor does it add to the talent pool they have from which to select their teams (with the exception of parents themselves having been elite athletes). To all of those saying that their little darlings were overlooked or couldn't possibly compete with the over privileged public school nasties, how often did your sons or daughters try to address this perceived imbalance by getting off their backsides to go out to do extra cardio or strength and conditioning work? Running and body-weight circuits cost nothing apart from a pair of trainers and a committed work ethic. How many of you took the time to do this with them or support them to make this the norm?
The sad reality is that elite sport is for the very few and most children simply aren't good enough to make it to that level. Instead, support your children to enjoy their sport and appreciate all that it gives them in terms of physical and mental strength, crucial life skills and personal ethics, opportunities to meet new people and expand their experiences, and a positive and lifelong relationship with movement for health. Or at the very least they can maintain fitness levels by sweeping up all the shoulder chips dropped by posters on here.

Honestly your point here seems to be that kids who have more money, better access to coaches and facilities tend to do better than kids who don't.
Its hardly that surprising really is it. Money plays a huge part in success for many many athletes.
its important to have self belief but equally important for kids who play sport at a high level to understand that it's only the tiny few who will be Olympians and it's important to have a life back up plan.

This is exactly my experience of rugby.
At the trials a good number of the boys will be from the same teams so will keep the ball between themselves as they are used to playing together so even if your state school son is outstanding he won’t get the chance to show off his skills. Couple that with the confidence that comes from a private education and the state school kids rarely get a look in.

It is worth moving to a better club and seeing if you can get a scholarship to a private school. You have to play the system.

You’re missing the fact OP doesn’t like there are better players than her son.

It's hardly surprising that state schools in the UK don't turn out elite athletes when a good proportion of them dedicate themselves to driving elitism (and, by extension, aspiration) into extinction.

She doesn’t like the fact that some are only better because they have had more and better opportunities

and it is a sign of out education system failing when things like that are so clearly obvious at elite level

music , sports, drama are all fields dominated by private educated childen

and we should aspire to lift all school to that level not knock the private kids back

It’s a very good point re the school day too. My kids don’t get home until nearly 6pm every evening, so they don’t have time for a lot of the out of school sports stuff/going to the gym etc that their friends from state school do.

If they've practiced the sport more often and at a higher level and for more years then that's what's making them get picked, not the school they went to.

You're saying your son is at the same level as them talent wise but he's done it less so he won't be really will he? It does seem unbalanced but knowing this was always the case, you could've started him off doing the sport when he was very little if he had a passion for it? Sent him to more after school sessions etc.

I used to play county league division 1 badminton, against county and international players, including Commonwealth games gold medalists, I can't remember any ex private/public school players amongst them. My girlfriend at the time was from a comprehensive school, she played six times a week, probably 25 hours a week and represented her county and young England. I was training and playing about 20 hours a week and working full time.
I think only around 5% of footballers have been to private schools. It is hard work from an early age (7 y/o at the most) plus a lot of talent, plus the right training facilities/coaching which leads to success.

Life's not fair, OP. Football is one of the very few sports where there are no barriers to playing, and where the scouting network is so extensive that there's minimal chance that any significant natural talent won't be found and developed.

But of course, if your son had been an unusually brilliant footballer in the days before the invention of the premier league, he could have played elite football at the highest level and still been paid a tiny fraction of what he'd have been paid with the same level of skill and dedication were he playing now.

Private school has long days (about 3 hours per day!) - your son has much more free time - he can use it to train!

I would like to also add that for many sports going to private school would make it very difficult to be successful due to hours of training required and the long a school day.

Something to remember millions of kids in state school will also be doing afterschool care at primary level or going home to empty houses and not have a parent able to take them to sports stuff.

It actually bugs me that so much stuff for kids is 4/5/6pm I really struggle to get to clubs for 6.30.
Finish work at 5.00, 5.30 collect LO, home 5.45 dinner out at 6.20. And that assumes no delays in traffic.
35 mins to sort dinner and eat.

Yes I absolutely see your point about primary, I was talking about secondary (mine went to state primary and were in wrap around care).

Yes absolutely all kids should get the same opportunities but we don't live in an equal world and really never will.

My child is an elite level youth (U21) athlete, who has represented their country in one sport at junior level and represents GBR in another at youth level.
They will be going to university next year to take a degree not related to sport. They may or may not continue to compete at this level whilst at university.
They are not at a fee paying school but at the local college. We apply for grants and sponsorship where possible. Most councils have gifted and talented schemes and there are many small grants available but take time to search out. Councils also give free (or reduced price) membership to their gyms. My child trains nearly every day.
We are lucky in that my job can be done anywhere with an internet connection-I have worked in the back of a van whilst travelling through Europe to events. We often sleep
in car parks.
I did not play either of the sports my child competes in.
There is so much misinformation in this thread. Children should not be specialising early, or dedicating their lives entirely to sport. At junior level we often didn’t attend events if they clashed with friends parties etc. Sport should be enjoyable and
not their whole identity. If they quit tomorrow, I have no regrets. Sport has given so much to my child-confidence, resilience and, most of all, friendships.
My child did not ‘shine’ until older. We gave space to make mistakes and try new things. Kids are not born with innate talent-it takes a lot of hard work to get to the top.