Sons Sporting Ambition Thwarted?

[GatheringAllTheMoss]

My son has dreamt of becoming an England player in his team sport (not football) for many years. He's reached county level which is fantastic but he's unlikely to go further. Not through lack of talent but more through the lack of opportunities and the advantages that others have. Out of 40 children at county level the overwhelming majority are at private schools. 10 from one school. You can count the number of state school boys on one hand and one is my son.

Private schools start this sport in year 3, state pupils are lucky to get the chance to play, those that do start in year 7. Private schools play at a higher level e.g. private school will field their B team against sons state school A team. The coaches and facilities are at a higher level too.

At club level my son plays with the men's team not with his age group and there is no development route. I can move him to another club but the chances are high that it will be dominated by the private school boys so my son won't be chosen for the team.

I always appreciated that talent would only take him so far and I was willing to do whatever was needed to get him to that point. Just devastated by the reality of what he faces to succeed and that I never really appreciated this.

This sort of favouritism happens in many sports. One of my kids has been involved in a sport for the last eight years. II have watched blatant favouritism of kids - mostly those whose parents are very involved in the sport. I have watched their kids been taken in small groups of two or three for additional training, I have watched them being presented with awards, been put on social media as the stars, been told in front of other kids that they are the best, that they will compete nationally and internationally. The other kids are pushed aside so they can concentrate on the favourites, from a very young age, kids in both camps are aware that they are either the best or the excess baggage. And it is upsetting and often disgusting to see.

I have seen parents new to the club complain and they are all given the same reply which is to become a coach. How can parents who don’t do the sport themselves coach in any meaningful way? And the chosen kids have parents who do hours and hours of one to one training with them outside the club.

You are naive to think this doesn’t happen in club sports.

I have also seen the same kids putting in hours of training, missing social events, missing school, parents missing work.

And the vast majority of the kids are state schooled.

I don’t know what the sport is, but the undeniable truth is that the private school kids will usually be better because of the extra training and opportunities (as unfair as that is) what ‘normally’ happens when a state school kid with real talent appears is that they end up at one of the private schools on a scholarship, but again depending on the sport and schools involved it’s a toss up whether they will be scouted in or you have to push it yourselves.

It’s really hard for those on the outside, but they do usually want the scholarship kids as it’s all about results for them and if you can improve their team they want you. The snag you’re seeing is that they have such a head start it’s difficult to be noticed enough to clamour for that inclusion.

I agree with others though, county is the first line of the pathway in all sports, and finding the right club is often key.

Oh yeah, I missed that one 😂 lol!

I appreciate it’s super frustrating - I think about this a lot when I watch the Olympics. That half the sports there were never an option for most kids. My kids would have no idea if they’re good at skiing or polo or most of it really.

My daughter is a dancer and dreams of being a professional ballerina. She never will be - not necessarily because she couldn’t, I have no idea of her potential really, but because we couldn’t afford to send her to the elite ballet schools or move to London or have private lessons. There are stories of people making it without this, but they’re few and far between. The majority of girls doing the associates programme at the national ballet company are from the same handful of schools and live in specific places to facilitate this. That’s just life really. People with money and various sorts of privilege (including a parent willing and able to drive around endlessly) have more opportunities than those who don’t.

That’s also true for academic achievements, absolutely 100% true for political ambitions, etc etc etc. Some children have more options than others and so do adults. Being angry about that all the time is an option (I spend too much time thinking about it! Like if politicians didn’t have to be wealthy and connected to succeed then what would be possible), but mostly I try to focus on what I enjoy and my kids enjoy and what’s possible within the realistic confines of our time and budget and abilities.

This is really on the money. My DS was spotted for rugby even though he plays for a fairly low level club and asked to attend a developing player programme. It was over an hour travel each way in a weekday evening. I tried to encourage him but I don't drive a car so couldn't help with logistics and even sharing lifts wasnt that helpful. He just dropped out I the end because it was too much hassle. Had we lived nearer or had it been just easier to get to, maybe he'd have stuck it out. There's so much talent gets you, but logistics, parental involvement etc is also ao important

I think it’s easy to say that it’s primarily down to money. That isn’t true imo. IMO the kids who succeed are the ones who have parents who did/do the sport themselves and become their kids personal coach - putting in hours and hours of additional training at club level. These parents know the best clubs, they know people in the best clubs, they know how the system works, dates of competitions, the competitions most worth entering, the competitions their own kids have the best chance of winning which in turn boosts the kid’s confidence, they know loopholes for kids to transfer clubs, they know everything and they do everything to make sure their kid has the most advantages over other kids.

The parents I know who do this are state teachers. They think nothing of taking days off - leaving classrooms of kids with a sub teacher (or no teacher).

Do they do this because they are financially able? I don’t think so. They do this because they are very focussed on their kid’s success.

This was only possible because they had rich parents, meaning kids with talent from other backgrounds don't have a look in. That's what you're missing.

To add another thought on the advantage private school brings: the opportunity to try a number of similar sports at a good level.

There are a number of sports where a small, hard ball is going to come whistling past your ears. In a sports oriented private school you will get to try them all and be funnelled towards the one you have a particular aptitude for.

In a state school you are much less likely to get that opportunity. That can mean that a state school student could, say, be good at hockey but never know they would have been amazing at lacross.

With the exception of football, look at English sports teams and look at the schools they go to. It’s a thing.

The fact that these other boys have had their opportunities through privilege, and not necessarily superior ability.

My son plays for a football team outside school. It's blindingly obvious which kids are at private school. They're playing sport every day after school. I know because I talk to the parents! The state school kids get two hours a week which includes changing time and "kids messing around who hate PE" time.
There's just no comparison.

Yeah, I agree it's not about money but about a sort of "social capital" where they understand and are committed to the system. A lot of sports aren't expensive to play but parental commitment to excel has a big "time and opportunity" cost that not all parents are willing or able to pay and the unspoken truth is that even with massive parental input a lot of these kids won't "make it" so if you were doing it all under duress you'd feel like it was a massive waste of time.

That said..... I think some parents could be more involved but CBA - there are a lot of non coaching roles like helping with match food, doing the socials, doing the bar etc. People say "I don't have time" like the coaches dont also have jobs, other kids and other stuff going on. It's kind of the "if you want something doing, ask a busy person" mantra.

That’s interesting because I’d say football tends to be the one sport where state school children are generally better than the ones from independent schools. Football is my daughter’s sport, and the one that she’s on a sports scholarship for at independent secondary (from state primary). The majority of the kids she plays with in her academy are from state schools, and she’s better than the vast majority of those who came to the secondary from the private preps.

If it’s rugby you should look at specialist sports colleges such as Hartpury. It’s an England and Wales rugby factory. He can study ALevels or Btecs alongside playing more rugby than he had ever imagined.

Thanks all for your very helpful comments. After I wrote this late last night I had a good long think. To me moving club is the answer
He needs to be playing with his age group and enjoying the sport for what it is. I do want this sport to be lifelong love for him, a place where he can make friends easily when he goes to uni etc. and be able to take it as far as he can.

Getting a scholarship is a good idea if (a) we could afford it and (b) the academics were equally as good as his state school. I know of a boy who transferred from private to his state school and is spending time trying to catch up.

I don't play either of the sports my children do so yes have suffered from the lack of understanding of pathways, the best clubs etc. For the eldest we swapped clubs so now have access to much better facilities but they're losing interest as they get older.

He did start at a young age but this club does not have the development pathway hence considering the move.

The reality bit hard yesterday.

What sport is it @GatheringAllTheMoss ?

You need to help your son come to terms with it. It's not realistic for anyone to become an elite athlete - only in exceedingly rare cases. Even if he were at private school you don't know if he would make it. You need to quickly get over your own feelings so you can support your son get over his. Going down the 'it's not fair' route is not the way to go as it is an unhelpful attitude to take into life and will turn this into a bigger deal than it is. Life isn't fair and that's ok. It was probably a mistake to encourage his ambitions given the situation you describe.

Op the above ^makes sense and it’s what I’d do. Why give up ? Move him and let him have fun trying, and enjoying the sport he loves, you never know .

I'd stake a bet on this being cricket.

If it is rugby do look at sports colleges or the right uni that is open to new people and not those who are already on a pathway (DS is at Bath and most of the first are either at Bath already or a nearby school).
Also if it is rugby take a look at Lambs rugby as another route for those who are overlooked.
Interestingly for rugby the girls don’t have this same issue as it’s not a private school thing. They all head to rugby college at 16 instead.
Most England U18 rugby players don’t make the men’s squad. Some don’t even find the sport until senior level.
But also 1 bad injury can change everything whatever sport it is so don’t put all your eggs in 1 basket.

Is it cricket??
I do understand and agree with what you’re saying. These boys have trained and worked hard and clearly have ability but they have also been lucky and have an advantage.
My DD plays county cricket. She is also from a private school and I’m well aware that this gives her and advantage as far as awareness and access goes. State schools don’t play cricket with their girls for the most part. She is also talented and works hard.
Find a better club is one thing but the county development pathway should offer him opportunities if he’s any good.

Is this cricket, OP? I know a few kids who play at county level - and you are right, there are a lot of private school kids, as not many state schools do cricket.

That said, I know a lot of clubs offer bursaries for high level training, and our local club always says that income shouldn't be a barrier. Definitely try every route you can - but kindly, do also remember it's pretty tough/competitive to progress from county level to a professional sporting career. For the vast majority of kids who might be brilliant at their sport, county is 'where it ends' in the course of their lives.

It could also be hockey? That is rarely played at state school.

In the grand scheme of things does it really matter? Is a life of elite sport really what you want for your child? It wouldn’t be mine.

I’d much rather my kids were just good at a sport that they enjoyed and played a lot rather than dedicated their whole lives to it. Professional sports comes with a lot of sacrifices.

Hockey is played at every state school in my area in the UK and the non-school clubs are very inclusive and accessible. Do you mean ice hockey?