Sons Sporting Ambition Thwarted?

[GatheringAllTheMoss]

My son has dreamt of becoming an England player in his team sport (not football) for many years. He's reached county level which is fantastic but he's unlikely to go further. Not through lack of talent but more through the lack of opportunities and the advantages that others have. Out of 40 children at county level the overwhelming majority are at private schools. 10 from one school. You can count the number of state school boys on one hand and one is my son.

Private schools start this sport in year 3, state pupils are lucky to get the chance to play, those that do start in year 7. Private schools play at a higher level e.g. private school will field their B team against sons state school A team. The coaches and facilities are at a higher level too.

At club level my son plays with the men's team not with his age group and there is no development route. I can move him to another club but the chances are high that it will be dominated by the private school boys so my son won't be chosen for the team.

I always appreciated that talent would only take him so far and I was willing to do whatever was needed to get him to that point. Just devastated by the reality of what he faces to succeed and that I never really appreciated this.

Er, that it's unfair?

Agree with this and with what @Sprinklesandsprinkles wrote. I’m an ex GB fencer (amused by whoever said we excel at fencing as a country - we really don’t!) and one of my brothers was UK Thai boxing champion. We were v poor growing up but got to try (and then focus on) some unusual sports.

It sounds like his sporting love is one the ‘incredibly hard to get into whatever the situation’ sports.

A friends daughter plays for Arsenal. I’d always assumed football was the most meritocratic sport as everyone get a go at kicking a ball about so real talents would have a chance to emerge from everywhere (unlike say F1). However having seen the car park at a training thing I realised this was totally wrong and money/time/ resources of the parents is massively important here too.

At high level sports money makes all the difference in terms of access to training and coaches. My DD has had similar, up against kids whose parents can fly them to training centers anywhere in the world to avoid the British weather and keep their fitness going. Very hard to watch, and as she moved up the age groups ended up competing against kids doing the sport full time. Hard to watch them overtake her, but that's the way it is because we can't afford the money to support her full time in the sport. All we can do is celebrate where her talent and grit got her, and teach her that this is life. Money often equals opportunity, and she's lucky to have competed as much as she has. Doesn't stop the sense of 'if only' though....

I mean that’s not my experience - I went to a state run school and played professional hockey - I was hardworking, talented and had an eye for the game - I genuinely loved the game. Practiced 7 days a week. We had no money as a family. My gum shield was second hand. My kids go to private and one of them does drama to a high level - naturally has a flair for it. The other plays football and rugby a lot - pretty good and is in first teams - but is not an elite player nor will play for king and country.

I haven’t read the whole thread but IME the kids who are standout stars at a sport tend to have started training in it at age 3-6. So actually well before the private schools start it. And the training they get at their club outside of school is generally far better than the private school coaching (although of course the extra practice at school helps). Usually they have very sporty parents who will have passed on sporty genes, competitiveness and will probably be spending hours at the weekend practising skills with them - on top of the training at club and school.

What I’m saying is that the private school doing X sport is not the main factor. Early training and parental dedication (slash pushiness) are the main factors. There may well be a big overlap between the type of families who get their kids into X sport at 3 years old and the type who go to private school. But that doesn’t mean it’s the school that’s creating the ability.

and what if you apply to one of the private schools on a sporting scholarship?

Yes I agree with this. Specialising early often leads to worse outcomes overall, particularly in terms of having to retire a sport early due to injury.
My daughter’s sport is football, but she still plays hockey/netball/cricket for the school teams, because she enjoys them. Above all it’s supposed to be fun.

I couldn't agree more.

That is every aspect of life.

My neighbours drive a brand new merc because they can afford it. I drive a battered old car.

My friend lives in a huge house in a lovely village. I live in a suburb outside a city.

Life is not equal or fair.

We can all just make the most of what we do have.

Isn’t there other coaching he could get? Small group or private - much cheaper than school fees! My son was borderline for getting into a club for his sport at competitive level (to be clear nowhere near as good as yours) and I checked out all the coaching options around and drive him a bit further to get great coaching in the holidays and get him to good more local one weekly. There are also coaching academies you have to try out to get in with weekly coaching sessions. Also, have you asked the other club to assess him? Can he try out and join if he gets into the team so he doesn’t have to leave his club first and possibly get stuck with no team?
it can’t be too outing to say the sport?

Thing is you have to look at why state schools are offering such a woeful level of physical activity in many cases. There is undoubtedly an advantage for children at private school but those schools tend to actively dedicate time and resources, have larger grounds. There should be funding and provision for the primaries to do more.

One of my children has moved from a state primary (that is quite sport focused) to a prep and the difference is massive. There is just more opportunity and often more teams so the elite kids get pushed and the other ones can develop. She’d never played netball when she moved. The prep girls had been doing it since 7 but she has found a place in a team and still been able to develop and represent the school.

She does at least an hour often 2 of sport every day. At her primary she had one hour of PE with a specialist pe coach and half an hour of ‘movement’ with her class teacher. She will never be an elite athlete aiming for county or beyond but she is much more active and has been able to do so many different types of sport and it’s been good for her.

Same with the arts, sadly. Yes, talent and hard work are important. But money allows those with talent and hard work to achieve.

Polo!?!?!?

Do you know many state schools that play polo from year 7?

More likely to be cricket

Does he ever have private one to one coaching for his sport. To help him with techniques etc. That could help, even if a team sport. Does he attend holiday camps to improve too, with different coaches? This could all be beneficial, as well as finding a more competitive club. Being a sport parent is hard. It’s a minefield and very competitive and routes to success aren’t always clear. Don’t beat yourself up.

I think it's very area dependent. I know lots of hockey players, none of them went to private school.

Hockey was one of the bog standard sports taught to both boys and girls in the area I grew up in. We had matches against other schools so it wasn't like my comprehensive was an anomaly in the area.

I think this goes in the life is unfair bucket. Who knows if my primary school had offered Lacrosse maybe I would have been world Lacrosse champion.

You're missing the point. That's what.

The other boys have spent more years, longer hours and more practice against higher level opponents because the other boys have financial advantages, which makes it easier for them to shine.

Of course hard work, practice and most of all talent are what separate the best from the rest, but opportunities to nurture the talent are much greater for those who have advantages financially in many areas

He didn’t have the opportunities to take advantage of. Your kids obviously go to private school.

Whilst I agree that private school pupils have massive advantages when it comes to gaining access to national teams in most sports I think you should be concentrating on the benefits of sport that everyone can have access to.

My DH is an ex-professional sports player and he has always encouraged our DC to participate in sports for the fun of it all. The increase in self confidence, being part of a team, and making lifelong friendships are the benefits of sport. Most professional sport people have fairly short careers so surely it is better to enjoy sport for what it gives you rather than thinking about it in professional terms?

You may find that many of the children playing for the private schools are there on sports scholarships / burseries. My son was scouted at county / regional level and had his fees paid along with many others.
We weren't rich but he trained daily even before he was scouted and the effort and work he put into his sport was huge. He also played at academy level and at each stage there are coaches watching for any new talent. He didn't start his sport very young but had the strength and body type they could work with.

I'd agree with this too, and the key point for me is the flexibility. You were able to facilitate because of that, and it makes a massive difference. We do remind ours on occasion that yes, owning our own business means every now and then they have to compromise, but it also means that 99% of the time one of us can drive them the 45 minute each way trip to training 3 week nights a week...wait around for however long and drive then back. And at weekends, one or other of us can stand around on a beach or riverbank for days, or travel with them for the weekend. Not everyone can, and not being able to say yes to all opportunities has an impact. Similarly, being able to afford the gym membership, and the equipment etc to train at home.

Most success is a combination of talent, grit and investment (of time, money and effort). Only the first 2 are within the athlete's control.

Sam Warburton's got some great stuff to say around this, as a successful state school sportsman (albeit a state school which had good facilities and support). Look at other successful state school professionals in your son's sport for their inspiration and advice, look at their autobiographies.

For some nuggets from Sam Warburton that I've shared with my teen son on instagram:

"it takes a certain person to get to the top" "people think it's just talent that gets you there alone. Talent's great, talent's the catalyst that you might need but if you're not willing to work.... mate I've seen so many guys, I wasn't the best guy in Cardiff growing up but I was just the hardest working and the most committed and I was willing to do it for the longest amount of time and if you're just willing to stay in that fight and that grind for a long time you just beat so many people from work ethic alone... there's a number one denominator, key denominator to all successful rugby players from when I've been in changing rooms with them and it's resilience mate, they just all keep going, refuse to give up, refuse to be told no. And no one has an upwards trajectory, I think people look at pros and think they've had it easy, that they've always been selected, they're always on this upwards trajectory all the way through their youth career all the way through to senior but it's not. They've all got bumps but they've all just had this stubborness and resilience to keep going and that's why they reach the top so when you're in a dressing room with all those lads it's a pretty powerful place because they're pretty tough. And I don't mean fight tough I mean mentally tough and that's a great place to be."

Sam's also talked about how far ahead young players can get if they're willing to do what other players aren't with regards to number of hours in the gym, attitude to training etc. Not expecting the world to fall at your feet. If you're willing to put in 2 years when no one's looking, like if you're dropped at 16, you've got 2 years to build your athleticism when others might not. "The common mindset I've seen in everyone who gets to the top, when you're at school hard work is not really that cool. But when you're in a pro environment, hard work is pretty cool."

I can absolutely understand where you're coming from and maybe he won't have the career he hoped for but there's some excellent advice and mentorship out there from people who aren't from a more privileged background.

My sons also go to state schools, they both love rugby. They're not pursuing it as a career so it's not as pressured but they do want to be the best that they can be so they can enjoy playing decent club rugby alongside careers in other fields. They've had far fewer opportunities to play for their school than their friends who are in the local Welsh language school because there are fewer boys interested in doing the sport.

As well as sport specific inspiration and support, I'd also recommend having a look at the work The 93% Club are doing.

Hockey, netball , volleyball , football , basketball , athletics , dance , table tennis, pretty much state school sports in our area.

I think the only sport that is genuinely needs blind in UK is football. And that is reflected in the make up of top teams. Scouts identify very young children and the families are supported financially in helping the child develop. Even here though you need to have a parent or family friend or teacher committed enough to get the five year old noticed at the start - and that will exclude many children.

It is vary easy to point to privilege as the reason for a child’s success. But that privilege exists at many levels. Having committed parents who expose a child to a sport early enough. Having enough money to access decent training, travel to matches, buy the kit etc. I do not see it as a private/state issue.

DN was an elite rugy player. Pathway was committed father and cousins who played. Local club. Academy side. His school did not play rugby. He - and a number of boys from similar pathways - got scholarships/ means tested bursary to a well known school for sixth form. But the elite level training was still from the academy set up. The school matches he played were usually at least half academy players supported by some school grown talent v similar teams from other schools offering similar programs. They did not even field the academy players against less strong teams.

My son reached national standard in his sport through club support whilst at a state school.
I think the better facilities,tuition and emphasis on sport in private schools gives clear advantages , but its not the bee all and end all. My advice is find the right club support for your sons stage of development and ability.
Or look at a sports scholarship to an independent school that would suit his needs. My son was offered a sports scholarship to an independent school ,he chose not to take it ,my daughter chose to take a scholarship (same sport) and my son did better in the sport than my daughter and they both did equally well academically.
We found many private school kids were tutored to the hilt in their chosen sport but eventually plateau out and others with talent,dedication,resilience and a burning passion for their sport from less advantageous backgrounds got a chance and many excelled.
The struggle can have advantages in mental toughness.
Good luck to your son.