To feel like a right loser- anyone else?

[Conundrummum123]

I read the posts of my household income is £250k a year but we have a 5 yr old Range Rover, I’m not well off, I know you shouldn’t but I can’t help but compare and just feel so inadequate.

i also work in an environment as a (lower) snr manager surrounded by heads of, directors and exco who regularly talk of their life and lifestyle, sneering at people who go on caravan holidays, use state schools, go to the canaries on holiday, only wear designer clothes etc. And god I feel like such a loser, and the irony of oh well if you paid me more I’d be able to do those things too.

I’ve tried my best to work my way up the ladder and I earn £60k plus bonus (I’m in my mid 30s) and DH is about the same (bigger bonus) so we earn about £130k a year which it’s crazy that I feel like a loser but I just do. Do any other middle earners feel the same way? And then feel ridiculous about it given that so many are struggling with the CoL. It’s this weird duality of feeling like a loser and then feeling stupid for it. All salary gains have basically been eroded by the rise in everything.

i also can’t move on job wise as I just found out im pregnant with my 3rd (im sure that is playing into my feelings too)

Well you earn more than me and are more senior at work than me so I feel like a bigger loser 😭 😂 Also you're about to have 3 kids which is a massive flex in this day and age!

On the other hand: your colleagues sound like dicks (luckily I'm better off in that respect).

It sounds trite but: stay off social media (including those awful thread on MN). Remind yourself that people like your colleagues are twats. Concentrate on your own life.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

YABU - I'm 48 and I only started earning over £50k 18 months ago! And a lot of people will never earn that much, I never actually expected to but changed careers recently.

It is frustrating when you have small kids and the costs keep going up and up - it is not unreasonable to be upset that childcare is so crushingly expensive and it feels like your life is on hold but remember, almost everyone else is in the same boat or a worse one.

I remember crying with frustration about the costs when my kids were little, but I didn't blame myself, I recognised it was costly and hard for everyone and that in many ways I was very fortunate.

And as for people sneering at people who take caravan holidays - please don't base your self worth on judgmental, nasty people. If you wouldn't be snide about other people's life options, don't put any stock in the crappy opinions of people that do.

I think it's fine to be frustrated and to feel cheated out of the life you feel you deserve for what you're bringing in, but it isn't your fault. People ought to be able to live better on £130k or £60k or £30k, but you'd be better off being angry at a system that gives us cheap t-shirts and bedside tables etc but extortionate groceries, utilities and housing.

I feel like an even bigger loser now on my paltry £25k 🤣

On the opposite side, I'm jealous of those people who get to go on caravan holidays. We are paying off debt and a few days in a caravan playing board games and cards with my family would be bliss!

I’ve tried my best to work my way up the ladder and I earn £60k plus bonus (I’m in my mid 30s) and DH is about the same (bigger bonus) so we earn about £130k a year which it’s crazy that I feel like a loser but I just do.

Yeah it is (crazy I mean).

I'd say this is more about your mental health than anything else.

I'd look at that if you can because no matter what you do in life or how much you earn, that feeling with never leave you if your MH is suffering.

I guess maybe I worry If I’m going to be able to afford it and then probably also be judged on not being able to afford the 3.

it is that trap you’re right, but god you can’t help but feel inadequate. I have had to step in and remind people that people operate on different budgets but it’s just scoffed at, I’m definitely not the lowest paid person who can overhear these conversations, so it can’t feel good for them either esp when your family holidays are mocked

Those on £250k a year look at those on £400k and probably are saying the same. There’s always some one with a bigger house, a fancier car, more exotic holidays. You know you are doing well (and many people will remind you that £60k is not a ‘middle earner’) so step back and don’t think of what you lack but how much you already have.
I never earned more than £30k at my (creative) job. My DH earned £500k (and had an ex wife and two other children he supported 100%). He died unexpectedly when my kids were little and soon we were back to living on my £30k (albeit I was able to buy a house - half the size of my marital home - with the equity). That certainly snapped me back to being very grateful for what I did have as for many £30k is it.

I think calling someone’s mental health crazy isn’t very compassionate towards mental health

Personally I think that's a really good income. Higher than our household income and we're very happy with what we have.

I think what those people spend their money on are a waste of money and wouldn't spend mine on them. We have a lovely home, a car we both love driving and a son we adore. I use second hand clothes for my son and use Vinted. There's not a single designer item in our house. There'll always be someone with something you think is better than you but it doesn't make you a loser.

Comparison is the thief of joy! Be grateful for the things you have that make you happy!

You used the word crazy, I'm simply agreeing that yes it's crazy that you feel like you do 😳

But I didnt use it in the context of mental health

Your working environment just doesn’t sound very pleasant, if people openly sneer at others with less money or who make different choices. Feeling inadequate compared to people who are unpleasant and probably aren’t all that happy (happy, content people don’t feel the need to mock and judge others) is a waste of time. If there are aspects of your life you aren’t happy with then focus on those and how you can change them.

I earn less than many colleagues an some friends but no, I’ve never felt inadequate over it. I’m very happy with my life and very happy with the level I’ve reached in my career, I’ve no desire to upend my good work-life balance just to chase money.

No. But then I’m not insecure

As a household we earn the same as you, we have a huge mortgage and 1 child. 3 kids is expensive. Were similar age I am 36 and in a head of role but the pay isnt better than when i was a manager at another company. So titles dont mean everything which is something ive learned too late,

We dont have loads left at the end of the month- kids clubs childcare hobbies pets its all expensive. How old are your colleagues do they have young kids? Have they been paying their mortgages for 20+ years and have better rates?

They may just be clueless to how the world is now but ultimately please dont compare yourself to them.

It's how you frame it. I'm older than you, earn less and I'm less senior. In certain workplace settings I hear people on high incomes chatting about private school costs, music lesson costs, cost of mortgages etc along with how stressful their jobs are and about how they can never switch off, and genuinely my first thought is I'm glad I haven't got myself into a situation where I'm trapped in a career because my outgoings are so high. I understand needing a big house if you have a big family, but most don't they've just become used to a particular standard of living which is really hard to maintain. I rarely get the impression that it's made them any happier than a more average income tbh!

I had a friend who worked part time in a senior job, her husband was equally senior. They had three kids, two cars, millions of extra curricular activities, a big house in a lovely area, but I had to stop being friends with her because all she did when we met up was complain about how poor she was, how 'everyone else' had a bigger house / a better car / more designer clothes than her. It was exhausting and frustrating to listen to.

She had so much but all she saw was what she didn't have. Her life was filled with complaining and misery and it was all entirely self inflicted. She could have been so happy if she'd stopped to smell the roses and be grateful for the blessings she had.

Don't waste your life away like that. You're living your own unique life and your colleagues are living theirs. If you compare yourself to others you'll never be satisfied.

I thankfully don’t mix with people who sneer at state school and care about designer clothes,

I know the current economic climate is hard on many (most) people, but try to get some perspective.

What are your values? What do you care about?

If you chase after shiny things you’ll always be unhappy, as there is always someone with a bigger house, better car, flashier holidays.

well i felt quite comfortable until I read your thread. OP. . Your income is way above my families and something we could never attain to.
See its that simple...comparison really is the thief of joy.
Just appreciate what you have and dont judge yourself on material.things. You have a v good income and no doubt can buy what you need to live as can I.
We have totally lost touch with reality in wealthy countries anyway and are living a lifestyle beyond the reach of huge swathes of people in poorer countries and it is obscene that people just want more and more to make themselves feel worth something.

Just remember 0.5% of the population are earning that amount - and the majority of those will be working in a small number of industries in London.

Its a huge outlier and not a sensible bar to compare yourself.

And as for sneering at your lifestyle - that says nothing about you, and everything about their prejudices / need to prove they are special in some way.

Does it matter how much those around you earn? You have what I would consider an entirely reasonable, privileged and comfortable income. Is it enough for your family? Do you lead a (somewhat) happy life? If the answers are yes, why does it actuality matter what others earn, say, or do?

Forgot to add - we earn less than half your household income and are considered very comfortable in my southern European country where “poor” British people holiday at AI sunny resorts. Put that into perspective, we genuinely believe a British adult on £25-30k a year is rich, because that is a high amount of money for us.

See, comparison is the thief of joy.

No you didn't.

I am saying I think you need your mental health looked at.

You seem very down on yourself and life 'feeling like a right loser' etc.

That won't disappear on it's own no matter how much you earn or how far you get in life, if it does indeed turn out to be a MH issue.

You work in an environment where people are wealthy but surely there’s normal income people aswell . Maybe the people with the new range rovers and private schools look with envy at your caring comfortable family . You just don’t know . Don’t compare yourself would be my advice .

They a probably on £100k for the head of, £200k for director and god only knows for exco member. Naturally they are older as well so likely their outstanding mortgages are ‘smaller’ but I guess that’s relative, children definitely older and the spouse will only work part time if at all. They’d sneer at my house if they saw it or I mentioned it. I’m actually a bit ashamed of my life I guess comparatively. Same if I compare with what and how I grew up, god I feel guilty

I think sometimes people forget they're better off then others when they make certain comments. I have a team leader who's husband works abroad. Team leaders are also well paid. She made a comment to me when gas went up other year about feeling sorry for people who couldnt afford to heat their house sufficiently, I had to point out I was one of those people. A few years later we skipped presents and went on an extra holiday.... she asked where I was going in summer then said oh but you went at Christmas. I took this as I couldnt possibly afford it.

We earn about 70K between us because we're stupid enough to work in arty/creative industries and to be self-employed

Many of our friends are in similar jobs and circumstances, although we also know people who have e.g. large townhouses with minimal mortgage, stuffed with tasteful furnishings and upmarket clothes. I don't know anyone who would look down their nose at me for earning less. I guess I'd avoid people like that.
No kids, not particularly expensive tastes, don't run a car (we're in London where it's more trouble than it's worth, plus keen not to run up our carbon footprint).
Happy with lifestyle overall except I'd love to travel more, and there are things we need to do to the house (repairs rather than aesthetics) that will require savings/digging deep to fund.
Main worry is we're 50-ish and have an interest-only mortgage that's coming to an end in a few years.