To be jealous of my work colleague?

[CandidApples]

My work colleague is the same age as me. She has two gorgeous children and a third on the way. She is very attractive, confident and popular. However her behaviour kind of grates on me. It’s like she believes that the world revolves around her. She doesn’t treat me particularly nicely. She recently bought drinks for her and my other colleague but didn’t offer me one, when we were on a team night out (just the three of us). I am not as senior as her and I think she feels above me.

I am the bottom rung of the ladder, so the only person that seems to see this side. In fairness, at other times, she’ll be nice to me.

I struggle financially, whereas this lady is well off and can be quite braggy to me about her lifestyle and luxury holidays. I feel envious, and almost annoyed. I feel like karma needs to do a better job of ensuring people who treat others as subservient, shouldn’t get to have these picture perfect lives.

I know I am BU. But I just want things to seem fairer.

Karma always does its job in the end, you can be sure of that.

In the meantime,just say " Maybe one day, when I'm not worrying about my gas bill, I'll be able to afford such luxuries.....I guess my time will come."

People like this are usually very insecure.

Nobody has a perfect life and I wouldn't buy you a drink if I could clearly see that you have resentment towards me for absolutely no reason.

She may have picked up on your resentment

She will also let doors close in my face. It’s little behaviours like this constantly towards me. I have given her the benefit of the doubt, maybe it was a mistake etc. I have been kind and generous to her but am treated notably different to those who are on a level or senior to her. It’s hard to take.

If she's so nasty why are you jealous of her? d
Do you want to be nasty too?

Thats a good question. I suppose jealous is the wrong term possibly. She appears to have it all and I’m ordinarily someone who would be so happy for someone in those circumstances, but I can’t feel happy for her when she treats me as inferior. Therefore I don’t feel happy for her. I have tried to sum those feelings up in the term jealousy, because I feel bad for not feeling pleased and supportive of her success, but I suppose that doesn’t really fit.

I’m upset with myself for my own negative feelings towards her. And for not being happy for her. It feels conflicting to how i normally feel towards others, and at odds with who i want to be. I don’t want to be nasty to anyone, and despite all of this, I continue to be nice to my colleague and appreciate the times she can be nice to me.

Why do you think she’s like this? Maybe she’s jealous of you? Maybe her husband is a complete knob so she takes it out on others. Stop going out with her.

You are jealous, and you look for ways to justify that, and she knows it, that’s why she’s not interested in you. It’s not going to resolve, you make her uncomfortable, so she will distance herself, you won’t stop being jealous. Even if you were promoted to her level, it wouldn’t work, you just have to accept you dislike each other and the root of that is your jealousy and not try to make it her fault.

She sounds horrible, who doesn’t buy a round for everyone, sooo mean. It’s okay to not like her but get a handle on begrudging her looks and possessions, that only harms you.

She is just a work colleague so keep interactions polite and surface level from now on.

What are you jealous of? She sounds like a dick. What is there to be jealous of? That she is popular? I can’t imagine you are the only person who has noticed her behaviour, you might be surprised by her ‘popularity’. Unfortunately I don’t agree with other posters that karma will have its day, I find it rarely does outside of American films, so you need to find a way to cope with your feelings. Do you have to work closely with her? Stop going to drink etc if you can help it, try and distance yourself whilst remaking professional and remember that she’s a massive twat who doesn’t deserve your jealousy.

Perhaps her private life is not as good as you think and she is jealous of you. So she needs to put you down.

We had 'shirley' who did just what you have described. Pitting everyone against each other.
It came to a head one day when 'Tina' lost her temper.
It turned out that Shirleys husband, sons and daughter were abusive to her physically and mentally.
So she thought that if she bullied us we would respect her. It was the other way no one liked her.

Ach OP you are not being unreasonable. I think several posters on this thread are. I think all you can do is suck it up with grace. But you're not being unreasonable.

This. I wouldn’t be buying drinks for a junior colleague who sat glowering at me from the corner of the office day in, day out.

I don’t understand why you feel you’re supposed to be ‘happy’ for her either. She’s just a pregnant, popular senior colleague, right? You have the option of working towards promotion, right?

And you can dismiss the idea of karma, as well. It’s just wishful thinking. She’s not going to end up toothless and living in a ditch because you think she should hold doors open for you more often.

All you can do is keep being yourself and being a nice person. Someone who leaves people out and lets doors close in their faces isn't a very nice person and that does usually show in their personal relationships and family lives. Let her get on with it and don't expect any niceness from her - I bet she'll start taking notice when you stop paying attention to her and not having to dance to her tune!

I think she's deliberately and subtly winding you up. There will be a root cause somewhere in her.

Remove the stuff about 'picture perfect' life and she isn't a nice person (closing doors in your face, not including you in a drinks round, bragging to you, not treating you nicely).

The question I would be asking myself is, why? I doubt it's as simple as her just being mean and snooty. There will be an underlying cause and I suspect at one point in her life she has been bullied.

I would keep calm around her, OP. Let her behaviours speak for themselves. Allow others to see for themselves how she behaves around you if you get the opportunity.

She may try to push you harder when you don't react. Currently she is being very subtle and her behaviour isn't really enough to warrant a chat with HR/management - and she knows it. Do not give her the satisfaction of ever exploding at her.

You have her attention for some reason and may even discover that she actually envies you.

Do not ingest her poison.

She sounds like a bit of a cow (NHS??) but she’ll be off on maternity leave at some point so you’ll soon get a break from her.

No it doesnt. I know plenty of people who are awful and lead great lives and I know a lovely couple who are incredibly kind and do plenty for their community and their child died. How is that karma?

She's actively unpleasant to you. Its okay for you not to like her. In fact its normal. Don't beat yourself about it.

Sorry you have to work with someone like this. That sucks.

It sounds like she knows you really dislike her. So the common niceties is a step too far for her, holding doors open, buying you a drink etc.

Well, it's pretty human to feel jealousy sometimes and it does sound as if she isn't always nice to you.

The usual advice about feeling jealous applies but not the stuff about karma. Karma doesn't mean what most people think it means and while it was mean of her not to buy you a drink, it's probably not going to result in some sort of cosmic justice.

You don't have to like her.

Hi OP, a friend of mine felt similarly about a family member and she ended up going to therapy because of it.
Here are her key takeaways, that she applied to her life. It’s not easy, it requires you to work hard to change your thinking but, it DOES work.

*Your brain is scanning for status gaps (money, beauty, seniority) and turning them into a story that she’s “above” you; interrupt that in your brain by labelling it (“comparison, NOT fact”) and redirecting to controllables (your skills, income plan, social circle, fitness, dating, WHATEVER builds your leverage).
*Stop mind-reading and moral scoring (“karma,” “she thinks she’s superior”) as you don’t have evidence for her inner world, only for specific behaviours, so respond behaviourally (be civil, set boundaries, don’t chase approval, build alliances upward and sideways).
*If you want relief, reduce exposure to her bragging, track ONE concrete weekly win that moves your life forward, and remember that envy fades when your focus shifts from fairness to progress.

You only need to prove yourself to yourself. Comparison is the thief of joy!

It sounds like she’s not actually mean to you, you’re just cripplingly insecure and jealous of her so want to find fault with anything.

Is she ‘braggy’ about her lifestyle or is she just talking about her life? It’s difficult to tell.

She might let the door fall on you because you make it obvious you can’t stand her!

At least you dont have to buy her a drink. I have always hated the 'buy a round culture' I just want to buy my own and be able to leave when I want. Some people have no manners, instead of being brought up and going to Eton, she was clearly eaten and brought up! not much you can do but foster an internal smugness knowing she will be off on maternity leave soon.
You may however be a little sensitive to her boastfulness, try and build your own self esteem so it wont bother you so much.