To be jealous of my work colleague?

[CandidApples]

My work colleague is the same age as me. She has two gorgeous children and a third on the way. She is very attractive, confident and popular. However her behaviour kind of grates on me. It’s like she believes that the world revolves around her. She doesn’t treat me particularly nicely. She recently bought drinks for her and my other colleague but didn’t offer me one, when we were on a team night out (just the three of us). I am not as senior as her and I think she feels above me.

I am the bottom rung of the ladder, so the only person that seems to see this side. In fairness, at other times, she’ll be nice to me.

I struggle financially, whereas this lady is well off and can be quite braggy to me about her lifestyle and luxury holidays. I feel envious, and almost annoyed. I feel like karma needs to do a better job of ensuring people who treat others as subservient, shouldn’t get to have these picture perfect lives.

I know I am BU. But I just want things to seem fairer.

9 times out of 10 their picture perfect lives are far from it in reality. Her behaviour suggests that it probably isn't. Bit of a cliché but her husband is probably shagging his secretary and she's had the 3rd to try and hold on to him. That's what I'd be telling myself anyway 😆

I remember once in my twenties having a colleague who treated me like I was inferior. Her dad was a multi millionaire. She would constantly refer to stories of her wealth and privilege with little "oh I know this probably seems crazy to you but this is just what I'm used to" remarks. She also sucked up to our boss.

I thought she was an utter knob and felt nothing but a mixture of pity and irritatation towards her.

Try to reframe your thoughts around her if you can.

You are giving this person a lot of headspace. She may have been slightly rude but none of us can know whether this is intentional or not.
I'm not sure why you feel you should be happy for her. Surely we all meet people every day who have some things we don't, but mostly we don't give it a second thought. It would be exhausting to constantly compare yourself to others and see where you 'rank'.
Try to focus more on your own life and less on this other woman, especially if you believe she has been rude to you.

She might look like she has a perfect life but she sounds like a not very nice person so you have nothing to be jealous of. Also behind closed doors it might not be so wonderful. She is maybe braggy cos she is trying to put on an act.

don’t aspire to like her. We all have our own paths to follow

OP no one has a perfect life. I’ve worked with someone like this for 20 years. At first I felt very pissed off. Not only was she quite nasty to me, but she seemed to have a perfect life - lovely husband, beautiful children, nice house, fancy car, perfect figure, stylish clothes, good at her job - and everyone liked her. It seemed doubly unfair that she had a seemingly wonderful life while also being horrible to me.

Suffice it to say that over the years I’ve learned that her life is far from perfect in many ways, and she’s actually quite an unhappy person, which probably explains why she’s mean to some people.

She's just a work colleague, try not to place too much importance on what her life appears to be like. Focus on your own life, find ways to build your own interests, self confidence and self esteem and then it won't matter to you what others do.

This. I remember being a parent and having someone incredibly snide always rubbing it in. Eg let’s go here on Thursday - or shame Teresa can’t she’s divorced -my ex was a total bastard but she’s dig in - she’s got no childcare. Once I had the balls to say count me in - I’ll sort childcare. And that was the one an only times she cancelled it I was upset as I had paid and organised a baby sitter. I cut her out a lot and then came across her about three years later. I don’t wish anyone ill but her husband had an affair and had left her, the children hadn’t coped well an been pulled out of private school and it was all a bit and she was seriously mentally on the edge. I felt very very sorry for her and I helped her a bit - she did apologise to me and said at the time she was being foul to me her husband was a right bastard to her at home. It clearly wasn’t easy for her.

You have to meet people like this at their own level sometimes. Stop being nice to her!

Braggy people tend to be compensating for something lacking in their lives. So I wouldn't be too envious. Anyway comparison is thief of joy 😁

However it was extremely rude of her not to include you in the round of drinks and especially means if you are subordinate to her. How very horrible! She can't be a happy person if she treats others like that.

100%!

Braggy people actively want other people to be jealous of them. That's why they brag.

That really isn't normal behaviour on her part and, hard as it is to see it on the surface, a person generally only acts that way if there are things they feel resentful about in their life deep down.

I have constantly found that when you scratch at the surface, most people have their traumas and frustrations, and it is often the ones who bury it deeper that have the worst. Who knows, maybe her dh has a vile porn habit that makes her feel worthless, or insists she dresses like a cow in the bedroom and moo on all fours. You would never know.

Not suggesting you feel sorry for her; she needs to deal with her issues without impacting innocent people. But envisaging the mooing cow might cheer you up next time ...

Unfortunately it often doesn’t work that way. Some people are horrible and just breeze through having a lovely life.

OP, rather than thinking perhaps her life isn’t perfect or karma is coming for her, it’s better to focus on yourself and what will make you feel more content and happy in your own life. Most people have feelings of jealousy at times, just don’t let them consume you. Your energy is better spent elsewhere.

It’s everything though, her appearance, her confidence, her lifestyle, her kids, her popularity, her job, its an all consuming envy, which can drive how we view interactions.

op, it’s fine to dislike each other, but you do need to understand what your jealousy is telling you. And it will impact how you interact with her, she will sense it.

is she bragging of is she just saying I am doing x or y. As simply talking about things is not bragging, as she has more than you. She doesn’t need to be quiet about it, so much depends on how she says things.

she’s popular, so it’s unlikely she’s that horrible. Was there more to not buying drinks for you, did you come in and biy your own for example and fhey were in rounds, did she owe her colleague one, was she being sensitive as it would have meant you’d feel like you should buy her one back and she’s aware you are in a different financial situation.there can be many reasons for someone’s behaviour but we can interpret it differently. Does she really let the door shut on you, or is she just rushing through and you’re far enough behind she doesn’t see you or waiting would be awkward. Again, many intepretetations to one act.

you don’t need to feel happy for her, she’s not your friend. I doubt she has that expectation on you.

are you comparing yourself, wanting what she’s got, to be popular, attractive, kids, the lifestyle, the job, then work out how to get there. Fix what your jealousy is telling you and use it to drive you forward. As otherwise right now, it’s jist hurting you,

People that are braggy are often insecure. I'd bet anything her life isn't as perfect as she likes to make out.

Start ignoring her as much as possible and stop sending her your emotional energy, and don"t go out for drinks with her! Maybe you will end up friends!

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I absolutely hated a woman at work many years ago. Very unfairly but it wasn't a jealousy thing. She looked a lot like the woman my ex ran off with. I wasn't very nice to her, but always remained polite. I got it into my head that she hated me.

One day she actively smiled at me so I let my barriers down, and long story short, we became best friends. In and out of each other's houses, you name it. I was younger then, and still lived at home (with my son and my mother) and my mother loved her.

Is it worth, I don't know, giving her a smile or starting a chat or something? Bet she isn't as untouchable as you think. But why are you socialising with her if she's so awful?

There’s a woman like this in my life. We don’t work together but she does think her job is superior to mine as she earns more. I realised that I was being nice to her because I was kind of scared that she has so much confidence and is very directive to others, who often take her direction because it pays off sometimes (eg. Organising group meals etc). So people seemed pro her, which made me question myself.

But I recently found out that not many people actually like her. She’s a bit of a bully and I wish I’d just treated her as such from the beginning by being a little colder and less amenable instead of putting up with doors being metaphorically shut in my face etc.

I’d advise you to foster other relationships at work and treat her coldly and respectfully and it’ll all probably come out in the wash. Most people aren’t easily fooled for long.

I think it's easy for people to underestimate the impact of micro-aggressions on your mental health, especially in a work environment.

I echo what others are saying, this lady doesn't sound very nice and I very much doubt she has a picture-perfect life.

Find your allies at work, and spend your energy on them, distance yourself as much as you can from your colleague. Keep it polite and professional.

When she lets the door swing in your face, be happy in the knowledge that you're not mean or facile enough to even think of doing something so "high school".

Is she bragging though or is she just mentioning something as you normally do at work like where she is going on holiday. I’ve seen jealous people assume the simple mention of it is bragging, but she shouldn’t have to lie or cover up things as any mention has the op jealous. That would be on the op.

as she’s popular I’d have to guess she’s not bragging, as people tend not to like that, and so maybe this is simply she talks about it and the op perceives it as bragging, in fact everything the op mentions could have a completely different interpretation to others who are not jealous.

I do know the type you are describing. I think they enjoy feeling superior and higher up in the food chain. Whether it’s consciously or subconsciously there will always be alpha females in walks of life.

It really doesn’t!

She might appear to ‘have it all’ but I’d bet she’s not as happy as she portrays. Someone who leaves a colleague out when buying drinks isn’t nice, someone who lets doors go when a colleague is walking through isn’t nice.

i am involved in a charity support group, we do loads for local charities and have regular projects every month or so. One particular member of our group was looking at something that I had made for a hospice, it was blanket for end of life patients that are then given to the family of the deceased. She sneered and said ‘well, you wasted your time with that’! Actually, there was nothing wrong with it and I’ve been asked several times to repeat the design in various colours but her comment really hurt. I avoid her now as much as possible but she won’t dampen my enthusiasm for helping charities.

She quite possibly sees that you're more than capable at your job and feels threatened. Which can happen even though she's senior to you. It's also possible that she likes to wind people up and can see that you're put out about her behaviour.
Try not to let it bother you, she sounds like she isn't a pleasant person and that's partly karma in itself.

OP I don't buy drinks, hold doors or be nice to anyone I can tell hates me for no reason other than they're jealous of me and my lifestyle - I mean why would I?