To be jealous of my work colleague?

[CandidApples]

My work colleague is the same age as me. She has two gorgeous children and a third on the way. She is very attractive, confident and popular. However her behaviour kind of grates on me. It’s like she believes that the world revolves around her. She doesn’t treat me particularly nicely. She recently bought drinks for her and my other colleague but didn’t offer me one, when we were on a team night out (just the three of us). I am not as senior as her and I think she feels above me.

I am the bottom rung of the ladder, so the only person that seems to see this side. In fairness, at other times, she’ll be nice to me.

I struggle financially, whereas this lady is well off and can be quite braggy to me about her lifestyle and luxury holidays. I feel envious, and almost annoyed. I feel like karma needs to do a better job of ensuring people who treat others as subservient, shouldn’t get to have these picture perfect lives.

I know I am BU. But I just want things to seem fairer.

It’s entirely possible that she’s picked up on your feelings towards her, hence why she’s not being particularly friendly towards you. Not that she’s actually done anything heinous. What constitutes bragging is very much open to interpretation - to some, anyone in a better position just talking about their life, about anything that even vaguely involves having money, is ‘bragging’. If this is the case here then the problem is very much yours, rather than hers. Your envy is not her responsibility, it’s on you to deal with.

Some people just don’t gel. That’s life. Just treat her as an acquaintance. You don’t have to try and force a friendship.

Her life may very well be just as good as it seems. As much as people encourage you to imagine her being secretly miserable, I don’t think it’s particularly helpful. Her life being worse would not make yours better.

I have family members like that. One particular cousin is extremely wealthy, and looks down upon me like a subordinate. Even though many years back he ripped me off for a few grand and did the same to a couple of other people to the tune of about 100k. So he's only rich from stepping on people. Not through talent.

But yet when I'm invited to one of his luxury homes he sits me on the kids table. We are the same generation and the kids he sits me with are 25 years younger than me?!

So yeah, I know how you feel. Jealous and like they don't deserve any of it. And that they think money makes them superior.

Well it doesn't and they're still an arsehole. Try not to think about it and avoid her as much as possible. I've learned it's not worth it as they'll always be oblivious.

I think she is jealous of you. Have seen this many times and experienced this myself, especially when it comes from someone 'higher up' than you. Was the other colleague on the night out with you as senior as her? If she doesnt treat everyone that isnt as senior as her poorly, then there's something else about you that she doesnt like.

From the sounds of her, shes self-absorbed, very egotistical and relishes in other women envying her; which all comes from insecurity. If she has taken a disliking to you, from my experience, she is threatened because she perceives you as attractive, or good at your job, or whatever other thing it is - but usually because youre good-looking. A lot of women are just like that, case closed.

excluding you from the drinks and letting doors close on your face are just tell-tale signs of behaviour someone would exhibit if jealous, tbh. I would use this to your advantage and play on it if she bothers you that much. Start putting in effort to look extra nice, work extra hard, make better / more friends at work. Ignore her, if and when/where you can. Have done this before myself when I was young and petty and that woman was so visibly annoyed, it was beautiful. Otherwise, just ignore her and dont let her get to you. There's always someone better and more beautiful etc, its not worth stressing over.

She does sound awful though, and everyone saying she's being like this because she senses your resentment, I would say is unlikely. Perhaps she can sense it, but from the sounds of it, it was her who acted like this in the first place. My advice would be either get even or get over it. Show her what you're made of or ignore her entirely and make her feel subservient. Im sure youre beautiful and have nothing to worry about.

Many years ago I was unexpectedly promoted to a very senior position in my workplace, jumping several rungs of the ladder at once. I was unpleasantly surprised to note that several people who had looked right through me when I was more junior than them, now suddenly became super friendly and smiled at me whenever they saw me. I smiled back but felt nothing but contempt for them.

Maybe she didn't buy you a drink so the 3 of you didn't get involved in buying rounds for each other, and you are better off buying your own.

I mean I actually feel like applauding you, that’s some way to twist it to make the op feel better, but it’s really not going to help her. Sadly.

Tbh, I don't think you need to he happy for her. Why would you feel upset for not feeling happy for her?

I feel happy for friends and people, including colleagues, I like when something has worked out well for them.

I don't think I have any particular feelings for other people.

If she isn’t very nice to you, you don't have to like her. You can just ignore her and focus on your own life. You might see an enviable life but you have no idea what is going on behind the scenes for her any more than she does for you. In the grand scheme of things, you don't matter to each other!

In a group of three, buying drinks for just two is very odd, unless it was agreed beforehand?

OP, I wouldn't be jealous of someone who has two kids and a third on the way (unless you have kids yourself). I have two and they are currently upstairs wrecking the place, then it's dinner, dishes, fighting over homework, tidying up, bedtime etc. She's pregnant too so she's probably exhausted and potentially in pain/discomfort. Enjoy your freedom. No one knows what other people's struggles are.

If she doesnt treat everyone that isnt as senior as her poorly, then there's something else about you that she doesnt like.

That doesn't mean she is jealous of the OP though.

I mean, there are people I don't like and sometimes I can't immediately put my finger on it. Some people just grate on you for no particular reason 🤷🏻‍♀️

And why are you sure she's beautiful?

What a lot of nonsense!

Not going to help to try and get even with her no lol, but sometimes these people just need knocking down a peg or two. I know a lot of people couldn't dream of someone senior envying someone low down, but it happens all the time, ive seen it so many times. All the little things they do against you grind you down and they dont deserve to continue getting away with it scot free while the person being made to feel inferior is expected to shut up and get on with it, just because theyre not as senior in the workplace.

No, put allowing doors to slam in her face and inviting her on a night out and only not buying her a drink screams jealousy to me. Everyone is human, people in senior positions get jealous, particularly women. Its just the way it is.

Try not to let her get to you OP. Easier said than done, I know, as envy is a very natural emotion. People who brag a lot quite often aren't as happy as they make out. Sometimes they have a rocky relationship, other times they didn't have a very happy upbringing. It's like they show off to make themselves feel good and to cover up their sadness. You won't always be on the bottom rung of the ladder, just be patient. Anyway, if she's having a baby soon, she'll be going on mat leave so you'll get a bit of respite.

I have met a few people like this over years and I dont think that YABU at all.

I worked with one that I remember very well.She was charm itself to anyone her level or above, especially if they were useful to her career, but the mask slipped somewhat with those who she deemed to be below her in the pecking order. I came under that umbrella. Until the day she found out that my father owned the building that our company was renting......total volte face then as I was suddenly important (especially as I could end up owning it one day). Except I wasnt, he didnt own the building at all but was high up in the company that did and she got her facts wrong. Never did tell her and never ever trusted her.

This colleague isn't particularly nice to you. No need to feel happy for her. Important of course that you are friendly and professional at all times when at work. I would avoid social situations with her if possible. It will be nice for you to get a break from her when she is on maternity leave.

I'm talking about my own experience- I've seen AWFUL people lead great lives for years and then fall flat on their faces. I'm talking about awful people- you don't need to tell ME about lovely people who've lost children- it's happened to seven of my relatives.

I hate when people say ‘Oh, karma’. It’s such bollocks. Bad people can often have amazing things happen to them, and good people suffer. Karma doesn’t exist and if it does it isn’t doing its job properly.

I think this is great advice. I also suggest reading the book Let them by Mel Robbins.

She shouldn't be treating you like this and needs to be addressed.
Re her being senior to you with seemingly better life. Remember that comparison is the thief of joy.
You are fine, just as you are OP

Yes, so your point makes no sense- karma wont in fact "always do its job in the end" so why tell OP that? If karma was real then decent people wouldnt suffer and truly awful people would always suffer but clearly they dont.

“Comparison is the thief of joy”…..

Your feelings are valid but unhelpful, and most likely based on your own insecurities and perceived shortcomings. Can you try and boost your self-esteem by focusing on things that give you joy and taking practical steps to achieve goals that are meaningful to you.

The Six Pillars of Self Esteem is a good read.

Exactly - if karma exists then its priorities are all wrong because I know plenty of unethical people that havent suffered a jot and plenty of lovely people who have had horrific things happen to them

This doesn't explain why that person is being uncivil - e.g. letting doors shut in OP's face, pointedly not buying a drink etc. I know drinks etiquette can be tricky but if it's just 3 people to treat one and not the other is just plain rude. If OP's description is true, this feels like deliberately bullying behaviour. For avoidance of doubt, i don't condone OP's obvious jealousy of some one else's better circumstances.

I wouldn't be expecting a drink bought for me from a woman who clearly didn't like me.
But it may be that she's picked up on the very obvious vibe that you don't care much for her either...

Two strategies have worked well for me with people like this...

1: Kill her with kindness. "Oh, Jane, I'm just getting a coffee, would you like one as well?" Or "Wow, Jane! That skirt is lovely on you! Where did you get it?"

2: Dial her RIGHT BACK to "basic work colleague". The only time you talk to her is directly relating to work. Any other time, you treat her as if she doesn't exist.

But if she truly is a bitch, then just leave it to karma. She gets everyone eventually.

Karma does not mean cosmic justice with everyone getting what they deserve in the end. Anyone with about three minutes of life experience could see that's not true. As Oscar Wilde said: "Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not." And karma certainly does not mean glorifying in the imagined downfall of anyone who's not bought you a drink or slighted you or pissed you off in some way. We are all the villains in someone's story.

Karma is the concept that the things you do now will have effects in the future and you are living with the consequences of past choices and actions. It's obviously a sophisticated idea which I've simplified somewhat, and it could be discussed for hours, but it's not cosmic justice and it doesn't mean everyone you don't like is definitely set for some terrible fate. Ironically, knowing a bit more about karma could probably help in dealing with feelings of jealousy, but not in a "I don't have to do anything or any work on myself, I can just sit back and know that this person I hate must have a miserable life really, or if they haven't, they will soon". That is actually quite bad karma... what effect will it have for future you?