Is friend BU about wedding invitations?

[sophietaken]

I’m a bit stuck between friends.

Friend one, Anna, is getting married in the autumn. Friend two, Jessica, has been married for a couple of years now. Friend three, Katie, lives with her boyfriend of a couple of years.

The invitations went out today and have caused serious ructions. Anna has decided not to invite Jessica’s husband or Katie’s boyfriend to the wedding. She is only offering +1s to couples whose partners she and her boyfriend (Brian) socialise with. Neither Jessica nor Katie’s partners want to socialise as a couple with Anna and Brian. Not because they dislike them, but because they’ve got their own friends and social lives. This doesn’t stop Jessica and Katie socialising both with Anna and Brian (who are very much inseparable).

Jessica and Katie are very hurt. Jessica invited Anna and Brian to her wedding, but Anna believes this is different because Brian makes an effort to socialise with Jessica.

Who is being unreasonable?

YANBU - Jessica and Katie’s partners should be invited
YABU - Anna is right not to invite the partners

Depends how big the wedding is. If they are trying to keep numbers down they have to find ways to do it.

They’ve invited 100 but don’t want to pay for people they rarely see. They are not trying to keep numbers down amongst those they wish to invite, if that makes sense.

Sorry, I voted the wrong way.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable not to invite people they don’t know (the partners). However, I do think a precedent was set with Brian being invited to the other wedding. I would have invited that one back but it would be awkward if he were the only partner in the friend group.

I honestly don’t get the problem. They seem to be doing it fairly and consistently i.e. only partners they socialise with and Jessica and Katie presumably know each other so won’t be attending alone.

Sorry, just saw it is 100 people!

They should definitely invite the guy whose wedding they attended!

You say the partners don't want to socialise with the couple so why would they even want to go to the wedding? I think the couple are correct to keep it to those they want and not those they are guilted into inviting

Anna can invite or not whoever she chooses. J&k are free to decline if they don't want to attend without a +1.

Both their partners can't be bothered to make the effort normally because as you say they have their own lives. Jessica and Katie are therefore being totally unreasonable to expect a couple getting married, who want to have a room full of people who care about them, to invite disinterested partners.

You say..

Neither Jessica nor Katie’s partners want to socialise as a couple with Anna and Brian

So why should she think that they'd want to come to her wedding????. I wouldn't bother inviting them either..

I don't understand why they are upset. It seems very sensible to not invite people who don't want to socialise with you to your wedding.

Does it matter? It's not your problem. If anyone asks your opinion or wants to sound you out just say it's nothing to do with you, you can see all sides and you don't intend taking sides.

I'm with bride to be. If they don't make an effort to socialise with the couple why would they want to go to the wedding? Just for a free day out with food included?

I bet the men are happy not to be invited!

Sounds fine to me, considering they're friends and so will probably be seated together.

I think both men would be happy to go to big events - big birthdays, weddings, christenings etc - and have Anna and Brian at their events, and they’re happy to see them if Anna and Brian were at Katie or Jessica’s for wine and a takeaway (hellos and a quick drink together before they went out to their own plans). But they don’t want to do the double dates that Anna and Brian would like to do, such as the theatre, nice meals, opera etc.

Do these men even want to go - if they don’t want to socialise with Anna I’d assume not?

Personally I’d have invited the couple who invited me to their wedding. But I don’t think it’s particularly egregious not to.

I would invite Jessica's husband - as they're married and they were both invited to their wedding, but not Katie's.
If I were Jessica, I'd accept and then not turn up! Blooming cheeky to accept for their wedding and not reciprocate.

I wouldn't want to pay for people that I hardly see. I would pay for the people that make an effort to see me/us!

Neither Jessica nor Katie’s partners want to socialise as a couple with Anna and Brian.

It is completely fine to not want to socialise with people but then no one can be expected to invite them to their wedding if that’s the case. They cba to meet with them usually so don’t really deserve a spot at the wedding

I think both men would be happy to go to big events - big birthdays, weddings, christenings etc

You don't get invited to the important big events like these without putting any effort into a friendship though.

You can’t expect to skip the small stuff and be there for the big occasions it doesn’t work like that

If Katie got married would Brian be happy not to be invited?

I think it’s a bit rude to invite people without a partner to spend the evening and dance with. Fine for a group of work colleagues, or I went solo to the wedding of a mum I knew from a baby group. Totally fine. But it’s a bit weird and rude for friends. I had people at our wedding who Dh and I had never met until that day.

It’s their prerogative though, I guess. I probably wouldn’t want to go on my own though, so would decline.

It's a bit of both tbh - we did similar to the bride we opted for more friends to attend then give automatic plus 1s. But what we did do was explain it and say if people would like a plus 1 then please let us know and we would know numbers better about 3 months before.

None of our friends married or long term relationships had an issue with it and numbers wise it pretty much worked out anyway. Maybe there is a middle ground then both sides being in stalemate.

I had people at our wedding who Dh and I had never met until that day.

That's really odd.