Is friend BU about wedding invitations?

[sophietaken]

I’m a bit stuck between friends.

Friend one, Anna, is getting married in the autumn. Friend two, Jessica, has been married for a couple of years now. Friend three, Katie, lives with her boyfriend of a couple of years.

The invitations went out today and have caused serious ructions. Anna has decided not to invite Jessica’s husband or Katie’s boyfriend to the wedding. She is only offering +1s to couples whose partners she and her boyfriend (Brian) socialise with. Neither Jessica nor Katie’s partners want to socialise as a couple with Anna and Brian. Not because they dislike them, but because they’ve got their own friends and social lives. This doesn’t stop Jessica and Katie socialising both with Anna and Brian (who are very much inseparable).

Jessica and Katie are very hurt. Jessica invited Anna and Brian to her wedding, but Anna believes this is different because Brian makes an effort to socialise with Jessica.

Who is being unreasonable?

YANBU - Jessica and Katie’s partners should be invited
YABU - Anna is right not to invite the partners

🙄

It's bang out of order to question the number of plus ones issued at weddings. At least to the bride and groom directly.

This stuff costs money and they had to be a limit drawn somewhere. Is it so awful for that line to be that they only invite people they socialise with?

You can RSVP no. Or if you wanna be sniffly say you aren't coming because you won't go to events paid for by others unless you're accompanied by your partner. But then you'd risk seeming a tosser.

The women are close and meet for drinks or lunch every month or two. I don’t want my partner at these events, and I don’t want to fold into a community, whatever that means. I have my friends, he has his. I don’t want to go to the cinema with him, his mate and his mate’s girlfriend and I would find it very odd if he asked me to. Nor does he want to come for a meal with me and my friends. Some people might want to all share the same friends, but many, including me, prefer to have our own friends and interests.

Katie and Jessica’s partners are nice, friendly men. It doesn’t mean they want to spend time with my partner (or me) just because I’m friends with their partners. It isn’t an insult.

It’s not me.

Sounds like the partners wouldn't care about going anyway so all good.

Well thats fine but then dont expect Anna to fund free booze and meals for these (to her) random guys.
I feel like this is being made into a massive deal though as personally I would have no issue going to a close friends wedding without being draped over my partners arm.
Are K & J not looking forward to spending the much coveted "quality girl time" together without having to add the annoyance of partners into the mix?

Sorry not you. The person who felt offended.

I find it weird that so many people on this thread are defending Anna, when almost all "AIBU that my friend won't ever meet up with us without her husband coming along" end up pretty strongly voting against the friend (and quickly asking the OP if domestic abuse is a possibility.

Would Anna be annoyed if the two friends didn't come to the wedding? Personally I'm getting to the age where I'm getting a bit bored of them, so would be quite glad to have an excuse not to come!

If you go back to basics, Jessica invited Brian, so Anna and Brian should reciprocate with Jessica's partner. It would be different if it was a very small wedding, but 100 people isn't. I can't believe they both socialise with 98 other people on a regular basis! When do they find the time!

Anna is a rotten friend to exclude her supposed friends dp"s.
If my dh was not invited I wouldn't go.

just read the update that Brian doesn't have any friends of his own. Yeah there's a reason the Jessica and Katie's partners don't want to hang out with him.

MN is weird. Posters on here find every reason under the sun as to why you can't/shouldn't make 'real' friends with people who have at least a few things in common with you - schoolgate mums, work colleagues, people you went to school with....yet apparently adults should spend their precious free time in enforced group bonding with people they have absolutely no link with other than being their partner's friend's partner - and should happily spend time hanging out with them rather than their own, actual friends?

All this enforced 'socialising with partners' thing is so cringe and 1950s to me. What happens if there are single friends or ones who have recently broken up with someone? Are they still allowed to come? What happens if some of the friends are in a same sex relationship so the sexes aren't balanced?

By all means if your partners get on with each other there's nothing wrong in doing things together and becoming a bigger group, but only if everyone actually wants to, not to try and provide ready made mates for a sadsack who (usually for understandable reasons) doesn't have any of his own!

Why can't Jessica and Katie just go together? Their partners don't know the wedding couple and acti sly choose not to socialise as a couple so why on earth would they want to go to this wedding??

YABU Why would the guys even want to go?

Yanbu. I wouldn’t invite friends without their other half.

Why is it important their partners are there tho? I don't get why they think they have to be joined at the hip

Why?

Jessica invited them both to her wedding so that is a given that that both Jessica and her husband should be invited.
I would also invite Katie and her long term partner.

Both these couples could be invited to just part of the celebration but they both should be treated the same, I think.

The other option would be to not invite any of them.
That would be preferable to inviting just the women.

Inviting one of a non married couple is fine if it is a very large wedding and they are part of a larger bunch of work friends.

This^
I also think that bringing Brian everywhere was very very rude on Anna’s side. Of course you were “tolerating“ him rather than being excited about him coming.
And ime friends socialize in couples eventually but it takes time.
I suspect the friendship with Anna will die very soon OP, whatever you do. Anna is very unreasonable one and it’s tricky to be friends with unreasonable people.

Cant you do things alone? Are you joined at the hip?

This

I would feel my dh was insulted, it would offend me, my dh probably wouldn't care but I would.

I find it odd partners are so desperate to go to weddings of people they are not close too, no offense to my husband but when i was invited to a non close friends wedding of someone my husband hardly knew I was thankful he wasnt invited

and no i have no interest to go to weddings of people he knows and I hardly do & shock horror we are let off the lead sometimes

It just feels very natural. Those people don’t hang out together…. So why would they hang out at a wedding together? I have no idea why the men who normally don’t want to hang out aren’t simply relieved that they don’t have to go to a wedding of someone they don’t care about. It’s not like the women partners don’t know anybody so need escorts…. So the people who spend time together in real life are at the wedding spending time together…. As a bride, I probably wouldn’t have had the guts to actually do this, but I can understand why she has. They want a wedding that is about genuine connection, not required etiquette.

But they shouldn’t be insulted every time your DH doesn’t want to come socialise with them in normal life?

why does anyone need to be insulted in either way? People should Just hang out with who they want and invite who they want to their weddings. But I think it’s perfectly fair not to bother with people who don’t bother with you.

It isn't anything like being unable to exist without my dh for a day. 😀 But I wouldn't like him being deliberately excluded. Even though he wouldn't mind.

Anyways it is up to the bride and groom.

katie might disagree…
Everyone sucks here. The men who can’t be bothered socialising with their wifes/partners close friends, but especially the judgy bride and groom. Fortunately their actions combined have detonated the friendships since they all deserve the fallout. With a caveat that Katie and Jessica may not be so at fault themselves, have just have partnered assholes who don’t prioritise them, but they still are their partners and Katie and Jessica are going to get fallout from their behaviour.
I mean, why should Anna invite people to your wedding who would turn their nose up at an evening with you? Also, why can’t Anna hang with her girlfriends without bringing her partner- too dependant. And if Anna wants people to respect her relationship and come to celebrate her wedding she needs to respect theirs. If you act like my marriage is irrelevant don’t expect me to come celebrate yours. So everyone sucks here.