Is friend BU about wedding invitations?

[sophietaken]

I’m a bit stuck between friends.

Friend one, Anna, is getting married in the autumn. Friend two, Jessica, has been married for a couple of years now. Friend three, Katie, lives with her boyfriend of a couple of years.

The invitations went out today and have caused serious ructions. Anna has decided not to invite Jessica’s husband or Katie’s boyfriend to the wedding. She is only offering +1s to couples whose partners she and her boyfriend (Brian) socialise with. Neither Jessica nor Katie’s partners want to socialise as a couple with Anna and Brian. Not because they dislike them, but because they’ve got their own friends and social lives. This doesn’t stop Jessica and Katie socialising both with Anna and Brian (who are very much inseparable).

Jessica and Katie are very hurt. Jessica invited Anna and Brian to her wedding, but Anna believes this is different because Brian makes an effort to socialise with Jessica.

Who is being unreasonable?

YANBU - Jessica and Katie’s partners should be invited
YABU - Anna is right not to invite the partners

I agree with this reason too. It’s insane though, you can’t force people to be friends.

Does Brian have many friends outside of Anna’s circle? Maybe she’s desperate for him to have some male mates, and is annoyed J+K are not playing ball.

How often does your +1 socialise with Brian?

Well, yes. We don’t think it’s healthy that Anna cannot see her friends without Brian being there. We’d all happily see Brian sometimes, but Anna cannot socialise without him. No one wants to always have to see a friend’s boyfriend in order to see their friend.

God, talk about think it inside out.

No wonder people elope.

I think if I were the bride I'd be worried about you lot criticising my dress, choice of venue and the food too.

She's invited the two mates together, no need to invite their blokes who aren't interested in their company anyway.

She’s very defensively explaining herself at the moment and has asked what I think. I can see both sides.

Or being asked my opinion by them.

Not remotely a problem. I literally couldn’t give a fuck if my partner is invited to my friend’s weddings with me, or if I’m invited to his friends weddings as a +1. I’m similar to the partners here - I wouldn’t do “double dates” for the sake of it unless everyone was actually friends for reasons other than being in couples. I have my friends, he has his. I don’t expect to be invited to their weddings so they are BU to expect it.

I think you'd have to prise the invitations out of their cold, dead hands to be honest! 🤣

They're not going to miss an opportunity to sit there criticising the bride for the way she behaves with Brian.

And if this thread is anything to go by, the bride's ears are going to be setting fire to her veil!

The two men should gatecrash the reception, and earn an appearance in the 'worst behaviour at a wedding' thread that was on here recently.

This is strange if Brian always tags along to girl only meet ups.

One of my closest friends is getting married this summer. Myself and our other close friend are going but our partners aren’t. They are restricted on numbers and are trying to keep their costs down. We completely understand! It’s their wedding, their day.
Me and my friend are sharing a room and are really looking forward to spending the day celebrating our friends big day… that’s what it’s all about. It’s only one day.

Not loads, but he works with me and Anna so when we have drinks after work (which happens fairly regularly in our industry) Brian always comes along to meet Anna. He would never see Brian outside of work socials or if we bumped into them coincidentally on a night out.

Brian has no friends outside of Anna’s friends. None at all.

Through work, and only ever with other colleagues, maybe once a month.

OP, if you can see both sides you sound a bit wet yourself.
Sorry!
I really don't think there are two sides.
Anna is petty and is using her wedding to score a point against her two close friends?
Serves her right if they cut her loose.

So why so they want to socialise at their wedding? The free food and drink? k&J and their partners sound like arrogant arseholes who thought they were the top of the social tier with “we’ve got actual friends… we don’t want to socialise with Anna and Brian 🙄, we’re far too good for them”, and are shocked to realise that actually Anna
and Brian don’t give a shit about them!

OP - as you seem close to them all, do you think this is coming from Anna or Brian? Given as a group, most do socialising as couples for birthdays and big events but go out with the girls together most of the time- Anna’s move away from this to only socialising with Brian, again is this being driven by Anna, or is it Brian who’s against her going out without him?

The idea that Anna can only have a social life that 100% includes Brian is a massive red flag. It might be innocent, it might be coming mainly from her, but it’s concerning.

Controlling men often try to isolate women from their friends. This wedding invite rule is one that most people would understand is insulting and would offend Jessica and Katie. To use your wedding to prove a point about the friends not socialising the “correct way” once your married/partnered up, is quite a big thing. Anyone with any sort of understanding of social rules would expect Jessica and Katie to be put out and probably want to cool their friendship with Anna. If Brian is controlling and only wants Anna to socialise with him, upsetting her girlfriends who would take her out without him, is a great way to accomplish that.

Oe perhaps it’s coming from Anna and she wants to use her wedding to “win” and prove some points against her friends. Creating upset and drama at your own wedding because it’s the one social event you can control - embarrassing to be so petty.

Okay, so you could explain this to J+K. Your partner gets his own invite (not really a +1) as he works with Anna and Brian pops along to work social events. Otherwise you wouldn’t have a +1 either.

I really doubt this. I think, like most people, they just have their own friends. I don’t think either man would feel arrogant about having a few pals, amd both are able to buy their own food and drink. It is Jessica and Katie who are upset, not the men.

This could be another reason for not inviting more from Anna’s side. It will already look unbalanced with her gf’s there and him with no friends.

If someone has a spouse or partner, it is simply good manners to invite them as a couple. It doesn't matter whether or not you know them well (or at all). If numbers are a problem, don't invite either of them, or trim the guest list somewhere else.

People can decide who to invite to their wedding and how to manage costs. Many people restrict invite lists to people the couple consider to be friends.

The unreasonable ones are the ones throwing a tantrum at not being able to bring their partner. Are they offering to pay for their +1 meal?

They can invite who they want. Couples choose whether or not to attend

No matter what, it’s weird and rude not to to invite long term partners or spouses to a wedding

Guaranteed to cause upset

I do agree about the red flag and have wondered about it frequently.

I believe that Anna is given a hard time if she wants to go out without Brian. I think that Brian invents illnesses, both for himself and his children, on the rare occasions Anna tries to go out alone. I think Brian sulks if Anna tries or does go out without him. I think he emotionally blackmails her.

And yet I also think that Anna is easily the stronger personality and ‘in charge’ of the relationship. I think Brian would happily invite the two men to the wedding and that is coming from Anna.

Why are they upset? If the non invited partners don’t want to come or like the bride and groom what’s the issue?
Are they lacking in confidence with regards to going the wedding with out their partner?