Is friend BU about wedding invitations?

[sophietaken]

I’m a bit stuck between friends.

Friend one, Anna, is getting married in the autumn. Friend two, Jessica, has been married for a couple of years now. Friend three, Katie, lives with her boyfriend of a couple of years.

The invitations went out today and have caused serious ructions. Anna has decided not to invite Jessica’s husband or Katie’s boyfriend to the wedding. She is only offering +1s to couples whose partners she and her boyfriend (Brian) socialise with. Neither Jessica nor Katie’s partners want to socialise as a couple with Anna and Brian. Not because they dislike them, but because they’ve got their own friends and social lives. This doesn’t stop Jessica and Katie socialising both with Anna and Brian (who are very much inseparable).

Jessica and Katie are very hurt. Jessica invited Anna and Brian to her wedding, but Anna believes this is different because Brian makes an effort to socialise with Jessica.

Who is being unreasonable?

YANBU - Jessica and Katie’s partners should be invited
YABU - Anna is right not to invite the partners

Ridiculous. Invite both people in a couple unless numbers are hugely restricted (less than 10!!!!)

Absolutely ridiculous.
it will be a poor turn out, bad feelings all around and probably a really shit wedding.

I feel like this is being made into a massive deal though as personally I would have no issue going to a close friends wedding without being draped over my partners arm.

But Anna would have an issue with this. A big issue.

Like it or not, and I don't really like it because I prefer socialising without partners, it's polite to invite plus ones to a big event such as a wedding. Not doing so communicates that person isn't a close friend or important to you. Now that wouldn't be offensive in the case of say, a work colleague. You know you aren't a very close friend and feel the same and that's fine. But for a friend, it's a bit shit.

Spouses and long term live in partners are not plus ones, they are named guests. It is rude not to invite someone’s spouse to wedding unless you are having a microscopically small and only inviting a couple of people. Costs can be kept down in many ways other than neglecting to invite half of a couple.

It is normal to get a wedding +1 for your spouse, but I can see why it didn't happen here. Because Anna and Brian are joined at the hip, the friendship between the three girls has essentially become a foursome. And yes it's a bit weird!

I suppose Jessica and Katie can go to the wedding together so problem solved.

There are no rights or wrongs. It’s their wedding, their call.

Well, that’s a completely different scenario isn’t it?

If I had a couple visiting, my DH would obviously stay in and socialise with that couple. It’s pretty standard, it’s weird and rude to go out to meet your ‘proper mates’.
It’s a snub, and obviously one that Brian and Anna have felt.

Fundamentally this comes down to a difference of opinion on how you write a wedding guest list.

Anna and Brian are writing is based on who they want to join them to celebrate their wedding. They’re basing that on people they interact with socially (in their opinion).

Jessica and Katie are seeing a ‘+1’ on a wedding invitation as a friendship status symbol.

Most would say that the former is the way to write your wedding guest list.

Jessica and Katie might want to remember that it’s a marriage celebration. Not a dinner dance night out for couples with invites based on friendship ranking of one half of the couple.

There’s evidently a slight angle where the Anna/Brian house feels slightly rejected by Katie and Jessica’s partners. Reframe it, ‘there’s someone I know who routinely demonstrates no interest in socialising with me - should I invite them to my wedding’. That’s a pretty slam dunk ‘no’.

I do think that Anna and Brian's relationship sounds pretty unhealthy but I'm also wondering, would even Anna have any relationship with Katie or Jessica's OHs? Because if they are significantly removed from the social circle the equivalent would be that Katie invited both Anna and Brian's to her 30th because she knows both of them reasonably well, Anna and Brian's are not inviting Katie's BF to the wedding because neither of them them know him reasonably well?

It's not what I did for my wedding, but that might be a way of explaining it to Katie / Jessica which they haven't considered - maybe it's not actually about Brian so much?

Many a strong women ended up in an abusive relationship because it wouldn’t happen to them.

So he has dcs from a previous relationship, and no friends except Anna. Have you directly asked her why he has no friends of his own? Have you said it’s rally controlling he’s difficult if she does stuff without him? That it’s not normal or healthy to only socialise as a couple.

She’s being very impolite about the invites, you can also be blunt back and not dance round this.

A poor turn out and a ‘shit wedding’ because 2 people who don’t want to socialise with th le bride and groom aren’t invited? Really?
why?

I imagine both the men who haven’t been invited are very happy

There’s also tradition/ etiquette/ social norms around wedding list invites (and weddings in general). To only invite half of a married couple falls foul of that too, doing something against the norm like this is a big statement.

(Brian not understanding basic social norms might be why he’s got no friends and sadly might lead to Anna losing hers too).

It doesn’t read like the bride and groom care about their guests enjoyment of the day. As a couple who are joined at the hip themselves, who make a point of trying to ensure Brian can always attend things that are otherwise female only and declining invites themselves to attend social events unless they are both able to go- this is a couple who understand not enjoying an event without your DP with you.

So they’ve deliberately arranged their wedding in a way they wouldn’t enjoy as a guest. (Neither Anna nor Brian would enjoy attending a social event alone, even if they had friends also going.)

a wedding where guests are props, with the bride and groom not particularly caring if their guests enjoy it or not - are generally shit.

Exactly - I think you could justify only inviting one half of a couple if it was, say, inviting a group of work colleagues to the evening part of a local wedding but for married friends it's unusual not to invite couples, partly because the event is literally celebrating the joining of a couple and partly because it's a social situation where if you're there on your own then usually it's because you're single.

How far could you take it? Invite your aunt because she's your dad's sister but not your uncle because he only married in to the family and you don't socialise with him?

It sounds like everyone knows it's being done to make a point, so the message has been received. If they wanted Katie and Jessica's partners to join in with socialising then inviting them and getting to know them might have been the better play.

I agree with this BUT the etiquette around this is changing as a lot of commenters confirm.

Especially with such a large wedding the kind thing to do is to invite partners. If the B&G aren't going to do this they just need to be prepared for declined invites, much like holding a destination wedding - not everyone is going to come. Whether this is a feature or a bug is up to the B&G.

In this case Anna is being petty. I never understand this lack of manners at not giving a plus one, moreso here when Brian was invited to previous wedding.
Do they not realise you can be sociable without living in each others pockets?
We have to be besties or you’re not our friend; childish attitude

@sophietaken In that case, I think that you should say to Anna, that you can see the issue from both sides - possibly give some examples on both sides, assuming that you can put things nicely -and that therefore you cannot give her advice because you don't know what YOU would do. Or alternatively, say if you were Anna you would probably have invited the other 2 partners just to keep the peace

I know it isn't what you asked, and misses the point completely, but Anna should be running as far away as possible from Brian. He sounds self-centred and controlling.

@sophietaken- as Anna is asking you, I think you should go back to her and say that thinking about it further, she needs to think “if Katie got married next and asked just Anna but not Brian, would Anna enjoy the wedding alone? Would she be sad that Brian hadn’t been invited?” And then ask if she think Jessica and Katie will enjoy her and Brian’s wedding, or if it’s just something they’ll feel they have to get through to preserve their friendship. Does she want her guests to be happy and having a fun time at her wedding or feel a bit miserable and make their excuses to leave as quickly as possible? When she is round Jessica and Katie’s other halves, does she want her wedding to be a nice thing everyone reminisces about, or a taboo subject that’s the source of tension?

Ultimately not worth falling out over. In my opinion. People get stressed organising weddings just cut them some slack.

I had a friend not invite my husband despite us all socialising together and both of them coming to our wedding six weeks before.

Unless it’s work colleagues or a hobby group I find it a bit odd to invite people you care about to celebrate your marriage but disregard theirs! But I accept I’m in the minority for this. For my wedding we had it in a village hall so we could invite all the people we wanted in the budget we had.

Anna is incredibly short sighted and seems to be with arsehole of a man, she never goes anywhere without him? is he coming to the hen do?
Ask her how Brian would fee if she is invited solo to a wedding.
She cannot force ppl to be friends with him, tbh I wouldn’t be interested in a friendship where her man has to be glued to her.

Anna will not do anything without Brian. It’s not a couples night. It’s Anna, Katie, Jessica, me, another couple of women, and Brian. Their partners shouldn’t stay and Brian shouldn’t be there.

She says it’s because Brian had children young (he did) and never had the chance to socialise and make friends.

The etiquette is not to ignore the fact your friend is married. Effectively, a married couple usually share their money, to an extent, so they'll effectively be getting presents from the partner to! Obviously people can legally do whatever they like, but if they didn't invite my husband, I'd probably not bother going.