Is friend BU about wedding invitations?

[sophietaken]

I’m a bit stuck between friends.

Friend one, Anna, is getting married in the autumn. Friend two, Jessica, has been married for a couple of years now. Friend three, Katie, lives with her boyfriend of a couple of years.

The invitations went out today and have caused serious ructions. Anna has decided not to invite Jessica’s husband or Katie’s boyfriend to the wedding. She is only offering +1s to couples whose partners she and her boyfriend (Brian) socialise with. Neither Jessica nor Katie’s partners want to socialise as a couple with Anna and Brian. Not because they dislike them, but because they’ve got their own friends and social lives. This doesn’t stop Jessica and Katie socialising both with Anna and Brian (who are very much inseparable).

Jessica and Katie are very hurt. Jessica invited Anna and Brian to her wedding, but Anna believes this is different because Brian makes an effort to socialise with Jessica.

Who is being unreasonable?

YANBU - Jessica and Katie’s partners should be invited
YABU - Anna is right not to invite the partners

If Jessica and Katie’s partners can’t be arsed socialising with Anna and Brian then why should they get an invite.

I suspect the partners aren’t bothered about the wedding but Jessica and Katie don’t want to go on their own. Tough tits J & K.

Will Anna hear about this upset?

Well you described it badly then.
It came across as two women who like the bride but aren't keen on the groom (you said they "tolerate" him)
And two partners of those women who have very little do with the bride or groom, certainly aren't friends with them, and probably wouldn't care if they never saw either of them again.

Which two of the B&Gs family or actual friends do you think should be taken off the invite list so the unbothered partners can attend?

Do the women think that because they keep up the pretence of tolerating the groom, the bride should pay they back by pretending their partners are important enough to the B&G to go to the wedding? Even though everyone knows they're not?

I can only assume you're all quite young as honestly life is much too short to give a second thought to this façade of who wins the friendship hierarchy, never mind being "extremely hurt".

I meant more be happy as in be happy to go because they’re their partners’ friends and it would be important to their partners that they were there. Not happy as in chomping at the bit to go.

The cost per person is £150 a head + these days. Who wants to have a load of people they never see or socialise with in their photos. Why can't you go as girls?

I think for Jessica and Katie it’s the feeling that they do make a tremendous effort to spend time with Anna and Brian, but on an important occasion Anna hasn’t included their partners, when they always make an effort with Brian.

Sounds like their partners need to get over it then. Weddings aren't about who has the best plus one.

I think not inviting partners is really rude. They are established couples not new boyfriends, so should be invited. We invited people to our wedding we’d never met such as dh’s cousins boyfriend. They’re now married and we both went to their wedding.

She already has.

I think it's healthy for a couple to have their own friends and not automatically socialise as couples. I know in an ideal world there would be time for both, but people who are time short probably don't want to forego a drink at the pub for theatre, meal etc with another couple.

I think it is weird to not invite a couple to a wedding but I suspect this has changed over the last decade or so because most people seem to think this is really normal. I've only ever been invited to a wedding without a partner as part of a big group.

Neither Jessica nor Katie’s partners want to socialise as a couple with Anna and Brian. Not because they dislike them, but because they’ve got their own friends and social lives

Sauce for the goose, yeah?

I think that Anna is being really rude. Jessica invited her and Brian to her wedding so surely it's just good manners for Anna to to reciprocate.

Anna is using her wedding to punish Jessica and Katie for not insisting that their partners socialise with Brian. Close friends would normally get a plus one invitation but Anna is willing to jeopardise their friendship in order to make a ridiculous point.

They only make an effort with Brian through gritted teeth though right? They "tolerate" him, you said. It drives you mad how "codependent" they are. You've tried to talk to your friend and get her to leave Brian at home?

Sounds like they're thinking "I have to put up with seeing fucking Brian every time, so the bride should have to spend time against her will with my boyfriend/husband for once [at her own wedding]".

sounds toxic af

You are making things up again.

They tolerate having to see Brian as a condition of being able to see Anna. Anna simply brings him to everything.

Numbers are not capped.

I am happy to hear that you believe life is too short for this. Perhaps also too short for you to continue to comment on it?

oh! What’s she said about it? Do you suppose she’ll have a re-think or stand firm?

Life's too short to get upset about it. It's not too short to be entertained by other people's little dramas!

Because we’re women.

It’s £50 a head, which I thought was insanely expensive but not compared to £150! I do have a +1.

Well it's irrelevant because they're not invited.

I'm a bit puzzled by the first line of your OP though...

"I’m a bit stuck between friends."

No you're not.

You've got your invitation and your plus one.

They've got their invitations with no plus one.

You're not stuck between anyone unless you're purposely inserting yourself for the drama.

I think for a traditional wedding (other than a really small one) then the exclusion of an established partner or husband is meaningful - at least that's the social convention.

Anna and Brian are of course welcome to invite whoever they want to their wedding without partners, but they should be aware that they are breaking a convention by doing so. If this wasn't the case then Katie and Jessica wouldn't feel hurt in the first place.

This could applied to Brian being invited to Jessica’s wedding too though.

People are really selfish about weddings. They invite guests with a spirit of hostility rather than hospitality. Incredibly selfish to not invite long term partners of good friends

I hadn’t quite been able to reason to myself why I thought Anna was being unreasonable, but this is it. She’s punishing them for not forcing their partners to socialise with Brian.

How often does your +1 socialise with Anna and Brian?

I think if I was Kate and Jessica I would drop Anna, as I couldn't be arsed with that codependent shit.
Ann owes them an +1 invite for all they have tolerated with wet Brian tagging along.

I would quite possibly decline the wedding.
I certainly wouldn't be meeting up with Brian going forward.

Totally agree with this.
Perfect opportunity to decline it.