Is friend BU about wedding invitations?

[sophietaken]

I’m a bit stuck between friends.

Friend one, Anna, is getting married in the autumn. Friend two, Jessica, has been married for a couple of years now. Friend three, Katie, lives with her boyfriend of a couple of years.

The invitations went out today and have caused serious ructions. Anna has decided not to invite Jessica’s husband or Katie’s boyfriend to the wedding. She is only offering +1s to couples whose partners she and her boyfriend (Brian) socialise with. Neither Jessica nor Katie’s partners want to socialise as a couple with Anna and Brian. Not because they dislike them, but because they’ve got their own friends and social lives. This doesn’t stop Jessica and Katie socialising both with Anna and Brian (who are very much inseparable).

Jessica and Katie are very hurt. Jessica invited Anna and Brian to her wedding, but Anna believes this is different because Brian makes an effort to socialise with Jessica.

Who is being unreasonable?

YANBU - Jessica and Katie’s partners should be invited
YABU - Anna is right not to invite the partners

Doesn't Brian have his own work friends that he could go out with? What about old school friends? He is obviously gatecrashing your girls' nights out at Anna's instigation but Anna is framing this as the other husbands and boyfriends deliberately snubbing Brian by not attending themselves.

I'd be seriously re-thinking the friendship with Anna.

Have you specifically said “girls night” for a meet up and said “no husbands/partners at this one”? Would she not go? Would he pressure her into declining?

i assume he’s coming on the hen night.

Did his ex manage to have friends?

I’m old school and only invite couples or plus ones, I’d choose a cheaper venue if I couldn’t afford to do this.

I hate being dragged to DH’s friends weddings where everyone is a stranger to me, and suspect he feel the same about my friends. We both happily go where we both know the couple. I wish more people would adopt this approach to invites (because it’s a bit rude to decline an invite you’re named on when your spouse is going!).

You mention plus ones in the OP only being given to some people. That’s not quite right - no one is getting a plus one, they are giving named invites to people they know and socialise with. A plus one is pretty much a thing of the past given wedding costs nowadays, and is usually for someone without a steady partner that can be named on the invite.

Brian sounds like a right cling on. I’d purposely arrange nights without Anna and if she asks, say it was a girls night, and you’d insist Brian should come.
As for the wedding, it’s hard as it’s up to the bride and groom, but they may lose friends iver this. Sounds like their friends are fed up with them anyway. I would be, if my friends other halves always had to come to any events.

Team bride

Just read the full thread. Brian is a weirdo.

So that’s why Anna is pissed off with the other partners then. If they’re there it looks less weird that Brian is always tagging along.

I’ve had a very similar situation in a friend group previously. That marriage got gradually more controlling and abusive unfortunately.

It’s not right from an etiquette point of view. Married couples should definitely be invited together and long term partner normally fall in to that category too.

I don’t know why the bride is willing to go against the norms and piss her friends off over this. All to prove a point that they should socialise with Brian more?

It’s a huge red flag that Brian has no friends. One of the main green flags for me was that DH had lots of friends and I got on with all of them!

Yes @holycrapballs- if Anna is trying to convince herself that it’s a normal relationship, then the other men refusing to go on “girls nights” does highlight how odd her relationship with Brian is. It makes it harder for her to lie to herself.

Sounds to me that the two partners that have no wish to socialise with controlling Brian have the measure of him.
He sounds awful.
Anna is not much better with her pettiness.
She can't socialise alone, yet expects her friends to force their partners to join her and Brian.
What a double standard.
They should decline the wedding.

She wouldn’t go. Joint hen/stag planned.

I honestly don’t know.

With this argument though, I’d rather give a plus one to my friends friend that I get on with and socialize with than a partner who never gives me the time of day and goes out for the evening when I visit

If a couple, I hope he’d stay in and have dinner and drinks with us. Just like I would if he invited a friend and his girlfriend over. Otherwise it looks like you’re actively avoiding them. I can’t imagine my dad inviting his friend and wife over for dinner and my mum deciding she’s off out for the evening! It would just be so incredibly rude to the visitors. These couples are acting like house share Flatmate’s. Saying that, when I’ve been in a house share I’m more friendly to visitors than these women’s partners are!

I agree

Even if every other invitation she’s extended to them in the past has been rejected? At some point we all give up inviting people to our events if they always say no. It’s a bit embarrassing to beg them, no?

I think inviting friends to a party without their long time significant others is pretty mean spirited tbh, unless the party is specifically for just a small set of friends with something in common. And when that party is supposed to be celebrating a union of two people it seems even more so. So I can see why her friends are upset - it doesn't scream really liking them and thinking they are important to her.

But people can invite who they like to their party and no one is entitled to an invite. Anna's friends should remember that behaviour is communication - they should read Anna's behaviour in not inviting them and act accordingly.

I think its fair enough if she doesn’t really know them. They don’t want to socialise with her, so why are they bothered they are not invited. Suspect
they aren’t, but the women are offended on their behalf.

He goes out for the evening because he doesn’t want to gatecrash his partner’s night.

I wouldn’t be happy if my partner wanted to sit all night with me and my female friends. He should and does let us have our time together. It’s Brian who is at fault for insisting on coming.

If your mum invited six female friends over, would your dad stay? If your partner had a few male friends over, would you sit with them, or say hello, ask how they were and make yourself scarce?

It is Brian who is odd for being there, not the other partners for leaving their partners to have a night either their friends.

If I invited my main friend group (all women) then unless otherwise arranged, he’d probably say hi then make himself scarce, although my friends would be happy for him to join now and again.

We spend time as couples but we also appreciate time just with our own friends.

Different for a bigger group or a couples thing. Just because one person can’t/isn’t allowed to come without their partner it doesn’t mean everyone else should be the same.

What’s weird is Brian hanging around like a spare part with his partners friends.

Exactly, it’s weird and controlling. If I have friends over and DH is home the most he would do is say a quick hello or ask if we need another bottle etc if passing.
If a friends DH insisted on joining us for a spa afternoon I would decline.

Very strange behaviour from both Anna and Brian. Why would he want to socialise with a group of women on his own? Bizarre.
What Anna has done is ruined or damaged the relationships going forward. Whatever happens it's never going to be the same. Sounds like you have all made great efforts to.be inclusive and accommodating of their need to be glued together but on this one occasion she cannot or will not reciprocate.
Tell her you don't want to discuss it further and don't get any more involved.