Is friend BU about wedding invitations?

[sophietaken]

I’m a bit stuck between friends.

Friend one, Anna, is getting married in the autumn. Friend two, Jessica, has been married for a couple of years now. Friend three, Katie, lives with her boyfriend of a couple of years.

The invitations went out today and have caused serious ructions. Anna has decided not to invite Jessica’s husband or Katie’s boyfriend to the wedding. She is only offering +1s to couples whose partners she and her boyfriend (Brian) socialise with. Neither Jessica nor Katie’s partners want to socialise as a couple with Anna and Brian. Not because they dislike them, but because they’ve got their own friends and social lives. This doesn’t stop Jessica and Katie socialising both with Anna and Brian (who are very much inseparable).

Jessica and Katie are very hurt. Jessica invited Anna and Brian to her wedding, but Anna believes this is different because Brian makes an effort to socialise with Jessica.

Who is being unreasonable?

YANBU - Jessica and Katie’s partners should be invited
YABU - Anna is right not to invite the partners

They’re not bothered that I have one. They’re upset that they have made a huge effort with Brian, and have let him come along to things which Anna knows they’d rather she’d come to alone, and now their partners aren’t invited to a wedding which husbands of close friends would generally expect to be invited to.

This would not occur to him. He would consider all of Anna’s friends also his friends.

It’s only on mumsnet that it’s seen as ok not to invite spouses 🤷🏼‍♀️

No, they’re not lacking in confidence.

I think they see their close, old friend’s wedding as a big event and that is something they’d usually expect to celebrate with their partners also there. It is also at a hotel a hour or so away so both will be staying over, so they’d want their partners there. Several weddings in the wider friendship group have happened, and partners have always been invited much like they were to Jessica’s. It feels pointed to them, because it is pointed,

OP I think I'd reply to Anna with a fairly neutral response along the lines of - I can understand your reasoning that their partners don't socialise with you/Brian. But i can also understand why J&K are upset as they are close friends of yours and spend a lot of time with Brian, and Brian was invited to J's wedding. If it were me I would probably invite them to keep the peace. But your wedding, your decision.

All this who is and isn't invited drama over weddings is a nightmare though. Personally if I was J&K I'd be happy to be invited and leave it at that. Also perhaps Anna if she was scrimping on plus ones should have also not invited your partner/other partners as it doesn't sound like yours makes much effort either. But ultimately in your position I'd just empathise with everyone all round and try not to get pulled into it.

I think it’s probably quite clear to Anna and Brian how J&Ks partners feel about them from your op, Neither Jessica nor Katie’s partners want to socialise as a couple with Anna and Brian.. Why on earth would they invite someone with that attitude towards them to their wedding… they’d be in many photos..”who’s that then? Oh that’s Jessica and John, and Kate and Chris…. John and Chris don’t actually like us, and avoid socialising with us…

Also just to say separate from the wedding dramas I'd be thinking that I would do things as a three without Anna more if she always drags Brian along. Perhaps worth trying to do something it is harder to bring him to (spa with a separate female area? Ladies night?). Not saying you should distance yourselves as that isn't ideal if he is controlling and she might be experiencing abuse. But I would not want to always spend time with someone who was a hanger on rather than a friend.

Even if she changed her mind now, they could hardly attend knowing they were not wanted.

The ladies should go together to not miss their friend getting married but keep future contact to a minimum and insisting ladies only on the nights they do meet. Brian is no longer invited, she doesn’t need him there Anna has you three. See how she likes it!

They don’t actively avoid it, they just have nothing in common with their girlfriend’s friend’s boyfriend, and why would they? They like to do different activities to those Brian prefers.

We’re afraid too much of this would cut Anna off. We’ve actually tried the women only spa. ‘Brian loves a spa. This place X does a brilliant deal. Brian can get us money off because he knows the manager…’

Same with everything. If we object we are being unfair because Brian has no friends and it would be harsh for Anna to leave Brian when he could come along and enjoy it.

I agree with this.
however I guess it’s hypocritical to have a party about romantic partnership and not let guests bring their romantic partners.
when I was planning a wedding (that didn’t happen) I did feel quite resentful about the idea of inviting some of my friends partners who had never accepted an invite to my birthdays or other things I’ve planned over the years ever- would they care about the speeches etc?

a good compromise is that they could invite partners as evening party guests, extend that right to all friends even single friends so they can bring a date. This will make the evening disco more fun!

How rude to just say a hello to a couple visiting and then head out. I would be so upset if I had a bf that did this.

Oh dear. Yeah I think then it is either being honest - Anna, we enjoy spending time with Brian but you are our close friend not Brian, and we want to just see you sometimes too. Or if not, just doing more things as a three (quietly, so Anna doesn't get upset). Tough one.

So why do they want to come to the wedding? They sound petty and immature if they will only socialise with those who share their hobby!

I don't understand what you mean by 'you're stuck between friends'. It's between them, you don't need to be involved. Let them work it out or fall out between them. If they don't want to go without their partners, they decline the invitation.

I disagree.
the guests set the precedent of we don’t bring our partners to social events with you. The bride is just following the normal set up that the guests and their boyfriends chose.

Agree, but as per my pp I think the guests think is fine for them to say “oh we don’t want to socialise with you!” And are absolutely shocked the feelings mutual!

Really!? What would you want him to do if you had friends visiting you?

I wish people would read all of the OP’s comments.

What about the precedent of Brian being invited to Jessica’s wedding?

They quite obviously have not said that, and the feeling isn’t mutual. Anna is fuming that Jessica and Katie aren’t insisting their partner’s socialise with Brian and would be over the moon if they did.

In all my years of going to weddings, I have never come across anyone who doesn’t permit a plus one for pretty much everyone. All this ‘I only want people I love at my wedding’ nonsense takes me to the fair. I’m in NI and people even invite - shudder - children to their wedding. The weddings spoken about on Mumsnet all sound so formal and starchy. Here, in my experience, there might be people the bride has never met in her life. And she’s glad to see them because they’re keeping someone she cares about company and making that person’s day a bit better. DP has a gazillion cousins and doesn’t always get invited to their weddings, but when he does, I’m invited too. Even to some of his cousins’ children’s weddings these days. God, we’re old! Sometimes if a wedding is small, cousins etc won’t be invited, but anyone who is invited takes their significant other.

I think a pp hit the nail on the head, that the bride is sending a message that her friends’ partners aren’t making enough effort on the cosy couples front. Which, if true, is rather petty.

Are you referring to your self in the 3rd person, or just annoyed people aren’t agreeing with you? “Oh yeah!! Anna and Brian are awful!!! They absolutely should invite people who tell them they don’t want to socialise with them to their wedding!! Don’t they know K&Js partners are considerably better than them and they should be desperate to invite them!”

I find it weird that if youre that close you wouldnt just all sort of fold into one another and become like a community of friends/acquaintances. Its weird to me that these 2 guys cant really be bothered to go on the odd double date with this couple. Like how busy are these guys that they cant manage a meal/trip to the cinema once every 3 or 4 months?

Im team Anna

Ah by your “fuming” comment you’re talking about this a LOT! are you enjoying the drama?