Is friend BU about wedding invitations?

[sophietaken]

I’m a bit stuck between friends.

Friend one, Anna, is getting married in the autumn. Friend two, Jessica, has been married for a couple of years now. Friend three, Katie, lives with her boyfriend of a couple of years.

The invitations went out today and have caused serious ructions. Anna has decided not to invite Jessica’s husband or Katie’s boyfriend to the wedding. She is only offering +1s to couples whose partners she and her boyfriend (Brian) socialise with. Neither Jessica nor Katie’s partners want to socialise as a couple with Anna and Brian. Not because they dislike them, but because they’ve got their own friends and social lives. This doesn’t stop Jessica and Katie socialising both with Anna and Brian (who are very much inseparable).

Jessica and Katie are very hurt. Jessica invited Anna and Brian to her wedding, but Anna believes this is different because Brian makes an effort to socialise with Jessica.

Who is being unreasonable?

YANBU - Jessica and Katie’s partners should be invited
YABU - Anna is right not to invite the partners

Given Anna asked your opinion I think you need to give it. Use the words abuse, controlling. Say it isn’t acceptable for him to tag along on girls nights out but you’ve all tolerated it as she’s clearly in a controlling and abusive relationship.

That she should think carefully about throwing away her friendships with Jessica and Katie as if his controlling behaviour ramps up, she might need her friends.

According to commonly held etiquette it is rude to not invite both of a married couple, and that is often extended to cohabiting couples nowadays given many don't marry.

The only exception to this might be if it was a tiny wedding (<30 guests)

That would without a doubt end our friendship.

Why don’t you point out the etiquette rules? It’s standard to invite married and long term partners. That’s keeping it factual and without emotion.

It sounds like Anna is singling Jessica and Katie out in the partner-exclusion which doesn't sound like much of a friend tbh. I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised if J & K start backing away. Given the event requires an overnight stay and adding in general +1 etiquette, I'm wouldn't be in the least bit surprised if Jessica especially withdrew from the wedding since she invited Brian to their wedding.

Poor stupid Anna, marrying her abuser.

Forgot to add my advice -

Tell them to play Anna at her own game. They couldn't possibly go to a wedding without their partners...

Excellent advice.
Anna couldn't possibly go anywhere without Brian but yet she expects her friends to abandon their partners. Hypocrite.

How long do you think your friendship is going to last anyway? If Brian is trying to control and limit Anna, you’re being tolerated for now, but you’ll be edged out at some point.

I'm guessing Brian's kids don't get time with their dad alone, either, because Anna has to be there too?

I do think it's a highly problematic relationship. And I think saying 'how would you feel if Brian didn't get invited to a wedding and you had to go alone or not at all' is the clearest way of getting the point across.

People have said just about everything useful, but I would add I would with Jess and Katie find some women only place- a gym, naked spa, I don’t know, and invite Anna regularly. Up to her not to come but hopefully she does sometimes!

Brian has been on the scene over five years now. I think he’s more than happy for her to see her friends, as long as he’s also invited.

Brian’s kids live with Anna and Brian. They rarely see their mother.

I would still be very shocked if Brian had done anything with either child that doesn’t involve Anna. Yet it’s Anna who is sometimes, imo, extremely harsh with the chikdren. I’ve felt quite sorry for them a few times and have wondered why Brian doesn’t stand up for them more. I am conscious that Anna is being painted as a woman who is being abused (and she may be) and cannot stick up for herself, but it’s not that at all. Anna is in ‘control’ of the relationship. Except for the emotional blackmail and magical excuses which are invented as to why Anna cannot go out without Brian.

Couples are a social unit and are invited together. You don't celebrate your relationship by downgrading others'. Very poor hosting.

Would that be a bad thing? The dynamics of the Anna/Brian relationship seem pretty toxic on both sides. If Anna would refuse to attend any wedding to which Brian wasn't invited, it would be perfectly reasonable and justifiable for Jessica and Katie to give their apologies.

Poor children.
I couldn't be friends with someone who I saw being 'extremely harsh' with young children.
Particularly children whose mother isn't around.
I would so judge her and him.
They sound like awful people.

Have a think about exactly who you are friends with.

would that be a huge issue? Literally nothing you've said is painting Anna in a great light, or as a friendship it's worth the effort of maintaining! She sounds awful - harsh to her stepdc, ignoring her friends' comfort by prioritising her partner's feelings, petty (by taking 'revenge' against her friend's partners by not inviting them to her wedding even though Brian was invited to theirs), stubborn, reactive/hypocritical (if she asked for your advice but would end the friendship if you were honest) etc.

They’re teenagers. She does do an enormous amount for them

I agree with you op it’s odd to insert a partner into an established friendship group that partners are not a part of. I have my friends, dh has his. If my friends come round for drinks, he would stick his head round the door and say hello ask how everyone is doing and do they need anything. Then he would leave us to it.

It would bother me if my friend insisted her boyfriend came as it would alter the dynamics.

But for big occasions plus 1’s are included.

I would have to be honest with Anna and say you don’t agree with her behaviour

@sophietaken- it’s been a few days, what have you said to Anna about it? Or are you going to let it run and accept you, Katie and Jessica will just do stuff without Anna now?