Sister childcare and pregnant again

[londonbananarama]

Hi

Am I being unreasonable?

my sister has just announced she is pregnant with her third child. Her other children are 6 and 2. In ordinary circumstances I’m sure you would expect me to be happy for her but I’m actually so annoyed.

for context, my children are 12 and 8. I’ve not ever used my parents for childcare as with my eldest they were working and as time has gone on and they’ve retired, I’ve not asked them for any regular childcare as don’t feel it is their “job”. We see them once or twice a week to spend time together.

my sister however is now using them as babysitters one night a week so she and my BIL can go to the gym and then two full days childcare for their youngest and school pick up those days for their eldest. They also rely on my BIL parents for childcare the other days. Because of how much they use my parents, I feel like I can’t ask them for one off babysitting as they are tired (they probably would do it but it feels wrong for me to ask). My sister is also anal about screen time and her children’s diet so has a list of requirements for looking after her kids and my parents just dance to the beat of her drum (she’s actually very rude to them). the kids are allowed no TV, no sugar and she requests that my parents are “completely” present with the kids the whole time. I.e. no doing chores or shopping or anything no completely child centred. My mum in particular is stressed by this but still goes along with it.

now she is pregnant with number 3 and I can’t get my head around this. It feels unfair that they rely on grandparents so much already to facilitate their lives and now adding in another child on top feels so much like they are going to take more of my parents time.

if you’ve got this far, well done. I just need to vent. I don’t want to seem horrible but I can’t believe this.

Well your parents need to say no, I know MN will say that is what grandparents are for but I disagree but if no one says no it will keep on happening

Your parents are grown adults with their own autonomy.

You sound like you're oozing resentment out of every pore.

Let it go, as it's nothing to do with you.

londonbana. not your circus not your monkeys if grandparents dont want more childcare they shouuld speak up tell her where to shove it

I don’t think you can make your parents stand up to her if they aren’t willing to unfortunately!

I mean you’re absolutely not unreasonable, but it’s hard to know what you can do!

Just be glad it’s not you roped in, I guess, and that yours are now older and past the most tiring ages (or at least in my opinion- mine are 17 and 12 for context so not ignorant of teenagers!)

Of course they’re having another child, they have more help than pretty much anyone I know. I’m sure loads of people would have more kids if they had so much free childcare.

Your parents need to start saying no but if they won’t there’s nothing you can do. What’s their response to the pregnancy news?

Oh that’s quite rude. I just want to feel like I can also see my parents and on some occasions feel like I can ask them to babysit without them being sooo preoccupied with my nieces and nephew. This seems even further off now with another baby on the way which they will no doubt be adding to their nursery!!

Wait till you’re all together then ask her if one of them is going part time to cover childcare now there are going to be three of them. Then sit back and watch the fallout.

YANBU but there's nothing much you can do about it. If your parents aren't happy with what they are doing and how they are being asked to do it they need to speak up.

You can ask your parents though. I totally get that you’re concerned about them being tired, but if you don’t ask, they won’t reconsider the balance of childcare they’re providing. They must assume you don’t want it so have said yes to your sister. Why don’t you ask if you could have a day a week too? Then they might reconsider how much they provide for the both of you

If your parents aren't happy with the childcare situation, they need to say something.

You can ask them to babysit your two. Presumably they will chill with their ipads so wont be much trouble?
You are deciding your parents response but deciding not to ask them? That is on you.
Their decision to help your sister.

In my (limited) experience this is fairly common. Help with everything so why not have another child? Parents/ in-laws all helping out on a regular scheduled basis while mum and dad work/ work out get her hair cut and on and on. In one family with 3 dc and tons of help mum wanted to adopt overseas. So adopt another child for someone else to care for. quite puzzling to me why parents/in-laws go along with this but I wouldn’t say anything about it if I were you.

I do hear you OP and often it seems very selfish to me to have more children while doing very little yourself.

This.
You are imposing limits on childcare/babysitting, not your parents. They are probably disappointed that you never ask them to spend time with their GC on your side of the family. Do your ask your PIL?

You can ask them to babysit and they can say yes or no.

Resenting you sister won't change the situation one bit.

Typical Mumsnet, you are obviously resentful and jealous and an awful sister/daughter/person. Of course it’s okay to feel annoyed and upset but really that’s a conversation to have with your folks. I would feel annoyed in this situation too, it doesn’t mean you are an awful person. Ignore the haters.

Talk to your parents about how you feel like you can’t ask for any help as they do so much for her and then talk about being tired and stressed over it. Just talk to them, how you’d love a date night or some help and you’re scared to ask.

Thanks for all your responses. My parents spend time with us - I see them socially once or twice a week - call down for coffee and Sunday lunch etc. this very much benefits us all as we get on well and enjoy each others company. I just don’t feel able to ask them for any childcare as I want them to enjoy their retirement and no be tied down (if asking for regular childcare) and then I feel selfish asking for one off babysitting as they will have been busy looking after my niece and nephew. I know I could ask them, but it doesn’t feel right for me to. Anyway, I am perhaps slightly resentful as I’ve paid for childcare for 12 years and had to make a conscious decision not to have any more children as I wanted to ensure I could a) afford them and b) survive without relying a lot on other people.

I think you should quietly tell your mum how you’re feeling and maybe support her to rein in the support if she wants to. Maybe she needs to talk about it with someone too? It might make you feel better to get it off your chest.

I wonder if your sister even let them know she was trying for a third child?! It’s just so entitled to expect all this from her parents and in-laws, she and her partner sound awful tbh.

Yes, on one hand it's up to them, not OP, but sometimes grandparents are terrified reading about all the "going no contact" threats they see, and might fear never getting to see their grandkids if they don't do exactly what they're told! I would never have dreamed about dictating rules to family babysitting for free-why shouldn't they shop with the kids? It's not a nursery, and even childminders do this.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond!

You're aiming your resentment at the wrong person. Have you had a conversation with your parents about this? About how you'd like a bit of support and can they carve out say a few time times a year for it? As others say, it's up to your parents how much they babysit for your sibling and you can't change them, or manage their life for them.

And I think you need to dig into why you can't ask your parents for help if you feel you can't, do you feel second best, would they say no to you but not to your sibling? It's a very common but sad family dynamic for there to be favourites, and different rules for different kids (ie you asking is unreasonable but sibling asking for the same is fine). Leads to you thinking well I'm being nice for not asking, and they're taking the mickey. How much do the grandparents see or have a relationship with your kids otherwise? Does it feel uneven and you're upset about that as well? Definitely worth doing some thinking.

Kindly - it's none of your business. Your parents could and can say no to either you or your sister. If you want/ wanted help you should have asked. I agree that you are aiming your anger at the wrong person.

Do this 🤣🤣

We see my parents very regularly and spend quality time with them. I just don’t use them for childcare as want them to have a life too and not be spending their weeks looking after grandchildren. Don’t get me wrong, they would say yes if I asked, but I feel like it’s too much for them (they would say yes even if it was too much - they want to help me). My main point is that I’m annoyed my sister has “easy childcare” and that’s facilitated her having a third baby which is just going to add to the issue of my parents doing so much.

Obviously they have free will. And I probably need to look into my own issues and jealousy.

Sounds like a mixture of envy and frustration.
Ultimately its on your parents to set their own boundaries, nothing you can do.