Sister childcare and pregnant again

[londonbananarama]

Hi

Am I being unreasonable?

my sister has just announced she is pregnant with her third child. Her other children are 6 and 2. In ordinary circumstances I’m sure you would expect me to be happy for her but I’m actually so annoyed.

for context, my children are 12 and 8. I’ve not ever used my parents for childcare as with my eldest they were working and as time has gone on and they’ve retired, I’ve not asked them for any regular childcare as don’t feel it is their “job”. We see them once or twice a week to spend time together.

my sister however is now using them as babysitters one night a week so she and my BIL can go to the gym and then two full days childcare for their youngest and school pick up those days for their eldest. They also rely on my BIL parents for childcare the other days. Because of how much they use my parents, I feel like I can’t ask them for one off babysitting as they are tired (they probably would do it but it feels wrong for me to ask). My sister is also anal about screen time and her children’s diet so has a list of requirements for looking after her kids and my parents just dance to the beat of her drum (she’s actually very rude to them). the kids are allowed no TV, no sugar and she requests that my parents are “completely” present with the kids the whole time. I.e. no doing chores or shopping or anything no completely child centred. My mum in particular is stressed by this but still goes along with it.

now she is pregnant with number 3 and I can’t get my head around this. It feels unfair that they rely on grandparents so much already to facilitate their lives and now adding in another child on top feels so much like they are going to take more of my parents time.

if you’ve got this far, well done. I just need to vent. I don’t want to seem horrible but I can’t believe this.

You’re a better person than me if you can do that. The thing that hurt the most was although I never doubted that love was equal my children noticed that the other cousins who they love were a Nana’s more. Even though your are older they will notice.

I would just ask for the support you needed not tit for tit just genuinely what would help and benefit you and your children and let the other adults decide what they will and won’t do. I be prepared for your sister thinking it’s not fair though!

Best of luck op x

(sorry meant to quote the live and let live quote)

Op i think you should talk to your parents about some help for you. Don't mention your sister. If youre in a spot and need child care why wouldn't they step in? If they say no.. then by all means mention the lack of balance towards help with your kids. Im just thinking of my own experiences, my mum had two of us at one point needing child care (whilst we worked in the holidays ) and she use to have all 4 grand kids when she could and would say no when she couldn't, we in turn always understood a no and it wasnt a case of her helping one daughter more then another it was just circumstances at the moment in time or who genuinely needed her more. Im sure it will be the same for you, if you talk to them. Good luck.

As others have said it is your parents choice. You are trying to be nice by not asking them but you should and see what they say. If they say oh we are too tired with the other kids then that is the point where you can address it.

A number of people have grandparents offering babysitting or childcare.
If your parents don’t want to do it that’s a conversation they need to have.
2 days childcare and one evening wouldn’t be outlandish for all families.
It’s your own issue if you feel you can’t speak to your mother and ask her to babysit.

YANBU. You are considerate to your parents’ ages and other commitments and your sister sounds selfish and self centred.
As you see your parents twice a week maybe they can have your two for a sleepover to sync in with those visits, maybe Saturday night at theirs and then they come over for Sunday lunch?
I have older and younger grandchildren and the older ones are fairly easy to manage overnight, maybe an easy tea and movie night.
Can they stay at yours overnight so you can go out and your 12 year old
can do their own thing at home?

If you believe that your parents are 100% "present" and not cracking on with chores as they would have when you were young then you are as naive as your sister.

Do you speak to your parents about it? Maybe see how they feel about it and give them some advice to deal with it if they're unhappy with the situation? If they say they're ok with it though that's their choice. An extra child will be an awful lot of work for them

Being a martyr doesnt benefit anyone! I'd of called them all out on it and flat out asked if they could babysit my kids if needed.

I can't see much wrong with it tbh. Your sister and BIL are fortunate to have 2 sets of grandparents helping out, regularly but in fairness not a huge amount when you look at it. I think you are right that you need to look at your own feelings of jealousy and whatever else is going on for you. Your children are 8 and 12, from what you have said about how much childcare they provide for your sister, there is plenty of time/space for them to watch your two much older children at the same time. How much work does babysitting a 12 year old involve? Not much. It sounds as though you are using this as an excuse to berate your sister, but I suspect there is more going on here? Why did you never asked your parents to babysit, even just once, in the six years before your sister had children?

They are retired so they have a lot of free time.

Maybe they like spending time with their grandchildren? When I have grandchildren I will 100% volunteer to look after them. What is the point of retiring and spending all your time crocheting or manicuring your lawn if you can spend time with your family. Time with your grandkids is a gift, not everyone can enjoy it. My family lives in another country and they miss my son so much. I 100% would be using them for childcare if they were closer, now I can have a date night with my husband like 4 times a year because there is nobody else to help us.

It’s not like they’re looking after them 9am-6pm 5 days a week, if they agreed to this arrangement then there is nothing wrong with it.

You didn’t even ask them if they would look after your children. You could only be annoyed if they said no to you but yes to your sister, but the thing is you didn’t even ask.

If you want help, just ask. If they feel like it’s too much, they can reduce the babysitting they provide to your sister. She will be on maternity leave soon so can look after her own kids, this is a good opportunity to ask for your parents to help with your children too. If you don’t ask, you can’t be resentful. They are grown adults and can do what they want with their time

@londonbananarama , your situation sounds like mine was. My parents did no childcare for my DC but more or less brought up my sibling's DC.

Mum would complain to me and I'd ask my sister to not demand so much of her, but all I got was both of them telling me off.

Stay out of it.

YABU, it’s none of your business. If your parents have a problem with excessive babysitting then it’s entirely up to them to deal with it.

You’re just seething and resentful you haven’t received the same level of help - even though you never asked for it. Don’t ask, don’t get. You don’t win any prizes for doing everything yourself.

You are being very unreasonable for criticising your sister’s parenting choices re screen time and diet. It’s her choice, and it’s good that she cares. Again it’s up to your parents to say no if they can’t cope with babysitting with those requirements.

My parents both worked full time until about 2 years ago. Prior to that, we would have asked them to babysit maybe 2/3 times a year? We always saw them on a weekly basis but it wasn’t me leaving our kids with them - we all spent time together.

I do have jealousy issues with how easy my sister appears to find life - no childcare costs, two very good incomes, gets her own way, now having a third child and all the joy that brings but none of the money worries. Surely that’s something to be jealous of? It’s not her fault.

My sil has a similar set up. We rarely asked partly because we felt like we were putting on them. I did use to feel jealous/resentful although I wouldn’t want the in each others pocket relationship they have. But eventually i realised I was only making myself unhappy. My ils are grown adult they can choose to look after their grandchildren as they please. And if we want childcare we need to ask and they can say yes or no.
One thing that stands out is you seem to compare your sister to yourself and find her lacking. Has that been a pattern in your life? Why do you think you do that?

you are projecting your feelings onto your parents tho?

So ask them if they can babysit. They may say yes. All is fine.

They may say "soz, no, too tired" in which case you might like to approach them doing less other childcare.

I have the same Basic rules re screen time and diet, but would never dictate such strict rules when other people have my kids - my kids go to their grandparents to relax and enjoy themselves and sometimes this involves tv and snacks - their treat! My sister has to be more strict about this as it’s not a treat as such to be with my parents, it’s a run of the mill, standard weekday thing. Hence my children associating their grandads house with relaxing and chilling out does not work when their cousins are there. It’s fine, but it can cause issues for my mum because my sister will say it’s not acceptable.

But why don’t you ask for help? Instead of burying your head in the sand like a ball of resentment x

And there is the crux of the issue!

Maybe she doesn't sail through life, she doesn't air her problems and just cracks on!

Someone said to me the other day, I looked like the sort of person who has my shit together, if only they knew haha, I am a borderline alcoholic that takes far too many pain killers for a none existent back injury!

I would actually be worried about my parents if I were you. They may feel they've become trapped in a cycle of childcare they no longer want to do but feel they can't say no, and now there's going to be a baby added to the mix. In fact, I would actually use your sister's pregnancy to strike up a conversation about it - I'd comment that it will be nice for them to have a break and take up some retirement hobbies when sister is off on maternity, because their childcare duties surely won't be required at the current level. You'll be able to gauge from their responses what your sister's expectations are going forward and open a dialogue about it.

I chose YABU just because you’re making a lot of assumptions about your parents when they’re adults with agency.

This comment again though, you’re again making assumptions of how they want or should want to spend their retirement. You’re also assuming you can’t ask them to babysit without even asking them.

This is absolutely wild projection. Nothing you've said suggests Dsis assumes this childcare arrangement will hold until the youngest no longer needs care. Asking for help now doesn't mean she won't be able to sort a childminder out at any point in the next decade should it be needed.

Do you want another child yourself?

Watch and wait for things to go wrong when your parents became too ill to continue……..in the meantime, keep quiet, not your problem.

this

Stop being such a martyr, if you want them to babysit just ask, they don’t need you overlaying your unfounded worries. They are adults, stop treating them like children.

As for your sister, it takes a village to raise a child, why not get everyone involved?

I don't think it is normal to be jealous to be honest. I'm not jealous of my husband's siblings or my sibling, he's made different life choices to me but I've made the ones that make me happy. You wanted to have your kids when your parents still worked and couldn't provide childcare, in hindsight would you have waited to have them until your parents retired and had 10 less years of them? I doubt it.

I think the crux of this is "gets her own way". You say it's not her fault but it's clear you judge and resent her choices. There must be something in the way you've grown up to think she always gets her own way, and you do not, and hence you self sacrifice. I really encourage you to dig in and think about this. My husband had the same dynamic and he realised he had not been supported in the same way as siblings, so he became the "independent" one and was very proud of being so independent and not asking for help. Underneath really it's because he knew he wouldn't get the support, and it's caused him anxiety issues later. My MIL gives way more time and energy to another sibling's kids, but we don't blame the sibling it's not their fault. We're happy for their kids, sad for ours, but it's the mum's behaviour and choice here.

I'm not saying it's exactly the same for you, because you say your parents would say yes if you asked, but are you the older sibling and so there were different expectations on you? Or something else? You need to find out what the reason is. You're saying you could have this if you wanted, but won't ask, but your sister asked and got it, and now you resent that. I don't understand it.