Sister childcare and pregnant again

[londonbananarama]

Hi

Am I being unreasonable?

my sister has just announced she is pregnant with her third child. Her other children are 6 and 2. In ordinary circumstances I’m sure you would expect me to be happy for her but I’m actually so annoyed.

for context, my children are 12 and 8. I’ve not ever used my parents for childcare as with my eldest they were working and as time has gone on and they’ve retired, I’ve not asked them for any regular childcare as don’t feel it is their “job”. We see them once or twice a week to spend time together.

my sister however is now using them as babysitters one night a week so she and my BIL can go to the gym and then two full days childcare for their youngest and school pick up those days for their eldest. They also rely on my BIL parents for childcare the other days. Because of how much they use my parents, I feel like I can’t ask them for one off babysitting as they are tired (they probably would do it but it feels wrong for me to ask). My sister is also anal about screen time and her children’s diet so has a list of requirements for looking after her kids and my parents just dance to the beat of her drum (she’s actually very rude to them). the kids are allowed no TV, no sugar and she requests that my parents are “completely” present with the kids the whole time. I.e. no doing chores or shopping or anything no completely child centred. My mum in particular is stressed by this but still goes along with it.

now she is pregnant with number 3 and I can’t get my head around this. It feels unfair that they rely on grandparents so much already to facilitate their lives and now adding in another child on top feels so much like they are going to take more of my parents time.

if you’ve got this far, well done. I just need to vent. I don’t want to seem horrible but I can’t believe this.

You're right about the grandparents needing to say no, but I've seen loads of these threads and "MN" seems to be split on whether grandparents "should" or "shouldn't" look after their grandchildren.

Yabu - This is none of your business. This is your parents problem. Don’t not ask because your sister takes the piss you are entitled to have help if needed too.

This has got nothing to do with you OP. If your parents aren't happy they can retract their 2 days a week. You sound bitter that you didn't get free childcare, which I understand, but it is not for you to be furious about.

It's about time your parents stopped allowing themselves to be used.

I don't think its as easy as grandparents saying no as soon as they do they are emotionally blackmailed and restricted access to grandchildren. How many times do we see on here my parents don't bother with my children which translates to my parents won't be full time childcare for me.

Have you tried telling your parents that you're reluctant to ask them? They might be happy to spend more time with your kids on occasion and to help you out. You would not be unreasonable and they would probably understand and appreciate your reluctance to have asked.

There's no point just being a silent martyr when you could have a conversation with your parents.

My sister does a lot of childcare for her grandchildren and had to set some boundaries as it was getting to be too much.

I think your DS's rules are ridiculous as she is getting free childcare-and doing things like going to the shops etc are good for children to experience and would take some pressure off of your parents.
But unless they are willing to say then she will carry on.

My sister was very aware that watching some of one of her grandchildren ended up being a barrier to watching the others and did create a rift/resentment from other son and wife.

Your sister won't stop-why should she as everything is going her way!

I have learnt that we cannot save our parents or elder relatives from their adult children.

it’s on them to say no and stop enabling the behaviour. I won’t hear of it now, I’m tired of giving advice or trying to hint to
siblings to go ease off on the demands.

they are adults who are fully cognisant of the things they are agreeing to. If they want to continue being muggins. Leave them to it.

all that happens is you become the bad guy and accused of meddling.

as soon as they do they are emotionally blackmailed and restricted access to grandchildren

Well yes, I have seen examples of this, but it's not the given that you have written here. It's a possibility if their offspring are particularly entitled.

But my point was that MN is split on grandparents' obligations. The pp said MN thinks they are there just for childcare, which isn't true. It's always split.

Your parents can say no to your sister if they want to.

You could have asked if you wanted childcare help from your parents.

Have your parents expressed any issue with helping your sister or is this all your own feelings?

Bit odd to be this annoyed about something that isn't impacting you directly.

For what it's worth I am on your sisters side, grandparents should help if able. I can't wait to help my own children if they choose to have kids one day.

I GET worrying about your parents because you love them and want their to enjoy their retirement but you are coming across very resentful and judgemental. Your parents are adults and seem very capable to make their own mind up. My DM has my son 3 days a week (although he is in nursery every morning) and she absolutely loves it. Your parents may feel similar.

It would be a different situation if you asked your parents for one off childcare and they said no to you but constantly said yes to your sister.

YABU

If you came to us saying your parents look after your sisters kids every week but always say no to you I’d have sympathy for you. But I don’t, you do come across judgemental sorry.

my children have a lovely relationship with my parents and we spend time together once or twice a week. That’s fine and I wouldn’t allow that to change.

just think my sister is being ridiculous to have another baby when it currently takes 4 grandparents to keep them afloat during the week as she and my BIL work full time. Maybe she will go part time. Who knows.

thanks for all your comments.

It’s not really about worrying about my parents. It’s more the thought process that life is easy because everyone is picking up the pieces around you and keeping you afloat so yeah, why not have another baby and keep that going?! I just find that selfish and short sighted.

Not your circus, not your monkeys, presumably your parents have capacity and can make their own decisions?

If your parents are so willing to help your sister so much, why are they not offering any help at all to you? Do they favour her? They don't offer at all for you to go out with your husband?

I’m not sure what the problem is here really. Your parents are adults, your sister is an adult, they are both clearly happy with things the way they are.

Your parents will have a holiday from childcare while your your sister is on Maternity Leave... though society pays the cost of Mat. Leave indirectly so your sister is still leaning on the good will of tax payers.

I see your argument about more children meaning more resources (in your case, your parents' time) used to care for the new family member. Your parents must be happy offering two days of their time. It is their time to give.
It is pretty standard (best practice) that young children have no screens and no sugar. And an adult being present with a two year old is also reasonable.

Ideas that might help you..

Ask your sister to baby sit for you one night per fortnight for a date night or to go to the gym.
Invite your parents to join you for a weekend away to the restful local destination of your home.
Consider if working in with your sister for after school care would help you both. Do your children attend the same school as her child?
Contact your local member of Parliament to ask them to lobby for a two child policy - or one child replacement policy per adult. Schools and healthcare cost the tax payer a lot.

Did you want a third child?
Does your DH's family help you out at all with childcare?

Maybe your sister will pay back in kind and attend to your parents' needs later in their old age.

They would help us but I’ve reduced my hours in work to be with my children after school. It would be nice to have a night out and ask for babysitting and feel like this wouldn’t be asking too much - my parents would say yes, but it’s more the issue that for me, this is a massive consideration, yet for my sister she just expects childcare and is having another baby too!

It’s down to your parents to enforce boundaries, not you. If they’ve never said they don’t want to do it, why would your sister assume that? She sounds like a bit of a nightmare but if your parents keep doing all this childcare then how will she know they don’t want to do it?

Also just because you didn’t see it as their job and don’t use them for childcare doesn’t mean she can’t. At some point she asked and they agreed.

I also have two sets of willing and able grandparents helping out at every opportunity. It is great, MIL practically begged me to not put the children in nursery 4 days a week when their funded hours came in as she likes having them so much!

I don't understand why some families don't like helping each other out - my mum had a similar arrangement with my grandma, and now (on top of working ft, the children and having my own life) I GLADLY do her shopping and clean her house once a week, plus stopping by for a cuppa just for a chat.

Families help each other, isn't that kind of the point?

*caveat - I am not including situations where it can't work, like distance, employment, health etc. bugger off with your "what-abouts" it isn't helpful.

Thank-you.

I did consider a third baby but for many reasons didn’t - one being the fact that childcare could be challenging.

my parents cant look after all grandkids at one time as my sister has such strict rules, meaning that it’s hard for my parents to manage her kids never mind adding mine into the mix. God forbid mine might ask for a snack or the tv on!!! That would descend into chaos

@londonbananarama Do your parents actually want to say no to this or are they happy with their choice and you are just judging for no reason?

Nah, YABU. You have zero input on what your parents do or dont do for your sisters children.

No one is forcing them to do anything and just because you have made up your own moral code regarding your own childcare doesnt mean your sister has to follow suit.

Big girl pants and ask parents to help you out or keep quiet about it when sister comes along with child number 3 and takes up even more of their time.

So you're judging your sister by your standards??

I get it OP I really do, my mum runs round my brothers and their families like no ones business, me, nothing, not a jot! She says well you're so independent, you don't need me, I don't worry about you!

I have just had to learn, that I am not going to change her, she wants to do it well that is her perogative!