Sister childcare and pregnant again

[londonbananarama]

Hi

Am I being unreasonable?

my sister has just announced she is pregnant with her third child. Her other children are 6 and 2. In ordinary circumstances I’m sure you would expect me to be happy for her but I’m actually so annoyed.

for context, my children are 12 and 8. I’ve not ever used my parents for childcare as with my eldest they were working and as time has gone on and they’ve retired, I’ve not asked them for any regular childcare as don’t feel it is their “job”. We see them once or twice a week to spend time together.

my sister however is now using them as babysitters one night a week so she and my BIL can go to the gym and then two full days childcare for their youngest and school pick up those days for their eldest. They also rely on my BIL parents for childcare the other days. Because of how much they use my parents, I feel like I can’t ask them for one off babysitting as they are tired (they probably would do it but it feels wrong for me to ask). My sister is also anal about screen time and her children’s diet so has a list of requirements for looking after her kids and my parents just dance to the beat of her drum (she’s actually very rude to them). the kids are allowed no TV, no sugar and she requests that my parents are “completely” present with the kids the whole time. I.e. no doing chores or shopping or anything no completely child centred. My mum in particular is stressed by this but still goes along with it.

now she is pregnant with number 3 and I can’t get my head around this. It feels unfair that they rely on grandparents so much already to facilitate their lives and now adding in another child on top feels so much like they are going to take more of my parents time.

if you’ve got this far, well done. I just need to vent. I don’t want to seem horrible but I can’t believe this.

My sister behaves in a similar way towards my parents. However, frankly I feel it is better that her DC are spending more time with their loving grandparents than with her. She is emotionally abusive and lacking in empathy, and her DC are being exposed to all that whenever they're with her. I do see the effect it has on my parents, and help where I can (I have my own DC though). Not sure if your case in similar but your sister being rude and controlling sounds uncomfortably familiar.

This isn’t a random stranger

it’s someone on the family who ability to benefit from and enjoy extended family life are being impacted by the choices of others in the fanily

I couldn’t treat my parents like that; your sister sounds utterly entitled and controlling. It sounds like your parents have been guilt tripped into a situation which isn’t how they’d choose to be spending so much of their well deserved retirement. But at the end of the day, they are adults and they’re making their own choice. I would just focus on your family and be thankful your children aren’t being brought up in such a controlling and inflexible way. And tbh I don’t think spending so much of their time with elderly people is going to give them the opportunities you have yours with proper childcare

Yeah, your sister's inflexible edicts are the thing I'd find exasperating. There's not enough eye rolls.

This. You've chosen your moral code. It doesn't match your sister's. But neither of you are wrong.

I’d feel resentful too in your situation, OP — rightly or wrongly. You’ve made ‘sensible’ choices that involve thinking about what’s ‘acceptable’ to ask of others; your sister hasn’t been as considerate and has more (children; support) as a result. That’s not fair! I wonder if you’re someone who thinks fairness is important in life generally? I definitely am, which is why I’d be resentful in your situation. However, as my dad used to say, life isn’t fair (sadly!), and I think sometimes the people who have made their peace with that are happier as a result — either because they accept things as they are or because (like your sister) they’re not afraid to ask for things even if it comes at a cost to other people!

Yes but it's still what her parents are choosing to do.

The OP cannot control that or them.

I absolutely agree with you and I'd be furious with my sister for behaving like that. She's totally taking your parents for granted. I'd also be resentful that your sister has a complete.monopily on your parents' time, meaning you feel you can't ask for occasional help.

I would have an honest conversation with your parents about this, see if you can find out how they really feel about doing so much childcare for your sister, but also pointing out that you would really appreciate the odd day or evening too.

Nothing you can do unless your parents put the end of it sadly. I feel for you though.

OP, I hear you! And I raise you a 4th child! My DB has 4 children between 16 and 5 years old. My DM has looked after all of them on SIL’s non working days (2-3 days per week, depending on age of youngest at the time) and ALL of the school holidays since eldest was a baby. DP feel they have to ask DB/SIL before booking holidays! It’s bonkers! Like your DS, DB isn’t particularly nice to DP. Treats them more like staff.

I live 4 hours away from DP/DB so it was never an option for me (lucky for DB 😆) Like you, I now feel huge guilt for ever asking for the odd over night for a wedding or similar.

When they come here to visit, DM always says how nice it is to relax and be looked after. I have to bite my tongue because it’s so frustrating that they don’t pull up their big girl and boy pants and say it’s too much.

If I were you OP, I would gently raise it in conversation with your parents that you’ve felt unable to ask for help since their retirement as you feel it would be detrimental to their down time, they seem like lovely overly giving parents who I’m sure may then want to reset the balance. An easy fix would be no childcare for the midweek gym sessions for DS and DSIL, in favour of spending 1 on 1 time with their other DGC (which they actually haven’t had!).

There is no argument back to this surely, they can go to the gym separately and manage childcare between themselves like you and every one else does given they have so much help already…

She doesn’t want to control anything but she has a right to be annoyed.

Just ask them for childcare.

If they say no because they're already doing too much for your sister, explain to them how you feel sidelined and could really do with the help too.

The ball is then in their court and you've told them how you feel.

You absolutely cannot control how much they do for your sister. But at the moment you've pre-empted any difficult conversations because you've decided on their behalf that they would be too tired to help you. They might even think you don't want them babysitting because you haven't even asked!

I totally get why this annoys you. Dsis takes the piss, gets benefits and privileges in life and no one thanks you for not doing the same. If anything they will probably favour her more in life, it's not fair. Then you see them being put under pressure and worry about their well being.

I had similar, not in childcare but a sibling spending money on stupid things and asking for bail outs in 20s, still getting a lift to and from the train station in her 40s despite parents now being in 80s with health issues. The more dependent she was, the more they seemed to want to help her. Only that her education sent her away, she could be still there getting her laundry done. I was self sufficient from a young age and always felt that should be praise worthy but apparently not.

Don't beat yourself too much over why you are annoyed, to me it's fairly obvious. Also I think you could kindly tell your parents you think they shouldn't be doing so much, they will probably ignore you but at least you are showing concern. If they hit a point where they feel they can't cope, it will give them strength to state their case and start saying no. They will know that you have their back. On the other hand if they reassure you they are perfectly capable and want to do it, then ask for more help for yourself. There's nothing wrong with asking when you've made it clear that no is an acceptable reply.

Your sister and BIL do what they do, because both sets of grandparents allow it. Have you spoken to your parents to ask how they feel about looking after the next child? You could express to them that you're concerned as they're getting older.

If your parents don't speak up, there's not much you can do.
As they're willing though, Maybe you can use them for date nights and schedule in advance before your sister jumps in.

As you are so easily bored im assuming you also get easily bored with your kids as ive obviously touched a nerve with my original post

Foxtrot Oscar

To be honest there is a mile of difference looking after and 8 and 12 year and a 6 and 2 year old. Your parents would find your two much easier to look after and I would ask them for the odd one off babysitting. If your sisters nose gets put out of joint so be it but she can't monopolise your parents

So she is expecting a couple who are seventy to care for a six year old a two year old and a baby

But it doesn't matter what MN says or anywhere else on the internet, society has a no problem, it is up to the individual to say no

You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face by not asking for occasional childcare. They possibly think you don’t trust them or want them to babysit. Why on earth you don’t ask them is beyond me. My parents live very full, active lives. Babysit weekly for my siblings- on the proviso they’ll occasionally be away on holiday. They come to stay with me a few times a year and will babysit then. The kids grandparents like them, want to spend time with them, that’s how they want to spend their retirement. Don’t fight them, join them!

I wouldn’t sit and wait I’d just start clearing plates! She sounds like a nightmare

You sound very jealous of your sister.

🙄 so helpful

Of course your sister is behaving appallingly but unfortunately, your parents are enabling the situation because they’re too afraid to say NO to her and the potential fallout that will ensue.

It’s pure blackmail!

Until one of the grandparents gets seriously ill and has to pause the childcare, nothing will change.

As you see on here, there’s an awful lot of selfish parents who expect their aging parents to give up their twilight years and slavishly bring up the next generation whilst they swan around enjoying themselves thinking they’re ’working hard’ so it’s all ok.

I’m in my 60’s with DGC of varying ages but we only help out during the holidays as we live abroad. We had the oldest (pre-teen) DGC stay with us for a week on his own last summer so his parents didn’t have to take unpaid leave. That was great but I wouldn’t want to look after the younger ones (other son’s DC) without the parents for any length of time.

I have a friend who was roped in to provide childcare for her 4 GDC. She’s younger than me with a variety of health issues that I think can be directly attributed to her trying to appease the demanding DIL and looking after the younger ones when she should have put her own health needs first. Now that the kids are teens and can be left alone at home, they rarely bother to visit unless DIL wants something. Friend’s adult son is spineless and says nothing!

Friend knows full well she was used and is now discarded, but just feels very sad about the situation. She’ll never say anything to her son or DIL as she’s afraid of any fallout.