Sister childcare and pregnant again

[londonbananarama]

Hi

Am I being unreasonable?

my sister has just announced she is pregnant with her third child. Her other children are 6 and 2. In ordinary circumstances I’m sure you would expect me to be happy for her but I’m actually so annoyed.

for context, my children are 12 and 8. I’ve not ever used my parents for childcare as with my eldest they were working and as time has gone on and they’ve retired, I’ve not asked them for any regular childcare as don’t feel it is their “job”. We see them once or twice a week to spend time together.

my sister however is now using them as babysitters one night a week so she and my BIL can go to the gym and then two full days childcare for their youngest and school pick up those days for their eldest. They also rely on my BIL parents for childcare the other days. Because of how much they use my parents, I feel like I can’t ask them for one off babysitting as they are tired (they probably would do it but it feels wrong for me to ask). My sister is also anal about screen time and her children’s diet so has a list of requirements for looking after her kids and my parents just dance to the beat of her drum (she’s actually very rude to them). the kids are allowed no TV, no sugar and she requests that my parents are “completely” present with the kids the whole time. I.e. no doing chores or shopping or anything no completely child centred. My mum in particular is stressed by this but still goes along with it.

now she is pregnant with number 3 and I can’t get my head around this. It feels unfair that they rely on grandparents so much already to facilitate their lives and now adding in another child on top feels so much like they are going to take more of my parents time.

if you’ve got this far, well done. I just need to vent. I don’t want to seem horrible but I can’t believe this.

Well im sure the OPs sister will return the favour in their old age along with all the other parents doing this and im equally sure these parents wont point at their child free relative instead and say they can do the elderly care as they have no kids.

Do you think your sister might stop working for a little while with three children?

Just thinking it might solve the problem almost entirely. Quite apart from the childcare cost, I just felt that I couldn't divide my attention between three kids and work. So stopped at two, as having three would mean a major and unaffordable lifestyle change.

This could have been me when mine were little!
oh you don’t need me, your so capable and independent
sisters children don’t have as nice a life as mine, so they need lovely outings etc, mine didn’t
and on and on

hard not to feel hurt and resentful

The village used to mean everyone looking out for children and making sure they were ok including the local bobby telling them off. People dont feel they can tell a child off for running round a coffee shop now without risking abuse from parents.
But the twenty twentys village just means free childcare

Thanks everyone. I absolutely do need to sit back and delve deeper into why I feel so strongly about this.

I would think not - she’s got quite a good job and is the breadwinner. Similarly to me, hence one of the reasons why I stopped at 2.

Not really your problem.

If you parents have an issue, they need to use their words and tell your sister themselves.

Is it because your sister is the golden child?

Your parents can say no. Also you can ask your parents for childcare help. If they say they can't to you then you can point out the unfairness because they're helping your sister out so much but won't help you.

But as it stand I don't think there's anything wrong with your sister asking for childcare help and your parents agreeing to it. It's up to them.

I saved up like mad to take my son to Florida, she paid for my niece to go as she wanted them to have a holiday together.

Yes it was great, we had a lovely time together, but she never made a contribution to my sons flight or spending money!

You are so close to moving into a different stage of parenting with a 12 & 8 year old. Days out, weekends must already feel so different to herding your sister's 6,2 and baby around.

Look forward, embrace more ambitious things, less tantrums, more easy going schedules.

You are already nearly at the 'pop to the post box' stage
Suddenly, arranging baby sitters will feel ridiculous.

DH's siblings swallowed up all the baby sitting, all the resources, all the best bits so I figure since they are on hand and know the GPs so well, they can take charge of the aging and the reversal of care.
Be sure to establish a busy life before you get roped in.

@londonbananarama

Really don’t want to come across over invested here but I really did feel like you do. I just set myself free of it. The clearest think is I came to realise that I would not swap my life,choices and values for my sisters in a million years. I love her and adore her children but love my little set up.

I wasted years letting it get to me before one event made me realise I was in control of me. I could have gone low contact but that would have hurt all the kids so I just did me. Book a weekend away ask you folks to have your children and enjoy!

Thank-you everyone

I'm going to go against the grain and say I think your feelings are completely normal. I have no children, but my sister also dominates my parents' time to the point where they struggle to do much else and have given up paid work to provide the childcare they have given for free to my sister. It has meant she can work full time, buy an expensive house whilst they have recently had to take out a mortgage in their seventies to move. It doesn't inconvenience me in the slightest, but her enitlement and lack of gratitude still frustrates me. In your shoes I'd be fuming.

I get you 100% as I have the exact same situation. I struggle to respect my sister because she's such a user. She has no consideration of the sacrifices myself and my older brother had to make in order to have our kids with no free childcare. My mum had then retired by the time my sister had her kids and so she takes full advantage of her. I know my mum could say no, but she won't. I have no solution, don't think there is an answer. But it really winds me up how my sister expects everything on a plate. I would be immensely pissed off too if she were to have another baby.

I had this same situation. I paid to take my kids on holiday to France and my mum paid for my sister and kids to join us as she wanted them to have a holiday too. No mention of helping out with mine! I ended up paying for the entire villa and our flights. My sister paid nothing. It's the ongoing family dynamic in mine. And now my parents are unwell and need help and I'll have to step up because my sister won't.

🥱🙄

Of course it affects the OP, if her parents are always exhausted from helping out her other sister then it is her business.

I see no sign of resentment, just frustration at her sister wanting excessive amounts of help from their parents and her parents reluctance to say no, that has a knock on effect for her.

You have to remember your situation or your sisters situation isn’t remotely close to the OP’s. Her parents didn’t quit their jobs and lose out on pay, they are retired. Your parents didn’t stick up for themselves but it seems like OP’s parents enjoy their set up (or it seems that way).

Just wanted to say I understand and relate to your feelings.

I am the oldest of 4 girls and I always think very carefully before I make any requests of my parents because I am conscious of their age and stage.

It is quite hard to see 2 of my other sisters who are bolder, more vocal and perhaps less thoughtful absolutely rinse my parents and their retirement (my perception) and make requests (demands?) that seem so onerous to me, so easily.

I have also curtailed my own dreams (not another baby but time to study something i have always wanted to) because I was too reluctant to ask them to actually scale down their arrangements with my sisters and maybe, for once, help ME! For once!

I feel like there is then no room left for me to ask for any help or support because

1. I genuinely feel like it is too much for my parents to add my 2 DC and aspirations into the mix

2. I feel like the status quo / structure is so ingrained now if I try to change anything, it would seem like I was being disruptive.

I have no advice unfortunately. I just wanted to empathise. Your post resonated with me.

Therapy has helped me. Maybe you could look into that?

💐

1. OP’s parents haven’t ever said NO to OP’s babysitting request
2. OP’s parents haven’t said they are tired or exhausted with their current set up

The only issue here is OP doesn’t ask for help and then resents people who do

It’s none of your business.

@op you still haven't said if your parents don't like the current arrangement or if you are just assuming they don't.

I think they do it out of loyalty to my sister and getting to see the kids. My sister doesn’t see my parents socially so this is their main chance to see the grandkids.

I know the feel pressured by my sister’s high standards and the rules and regulations that come with looking after her kids. They dislike that element and my sister is rude to them regarding it.

I rest my case