Sister childcare and pregnant again

[londonbananarama]

Hi

Am I being unreasonable?

my sister has just announced she is pregnant with her third child. Her other children are 6 and 2. In ordinary circumstances I’m sure you would expect me to be happy for her but I’m actually so annoyed.

for context, my children are 12 and 8. I’ve not ever used my parents for childcare as with my eldest they were working and as time has gone on and they’ve retired, I’ve not asked them for any regular childcare as don’t feel it is their “job”. We see them once or twice a week to spend time together.

my sister however is now using them as babysitters one night a week so she and my BIL can go to the gym and then two full days childcare for their youngest and school pick up those days for their eldest. They also rely on my BIL parents for childcare the other days. Because of how much they use my parents, I feel like I can’t ask them for one off babysitting as they are tired (they probably would do it but it feels wrong for me to ask). My sister is also anal about screen time and her children’s diet so has a list of requirements for looking after her kids and my parents just dance to the beat of her drum (she’s actually very rude to them). the kids are allowed no TV, no sugar and she requests that my parents are “completely” present with the kids the whole time. I.e. no doing chores or shopping or anything no completely child centred. My mum in particular is stressed by this but still goes along with it.

now she is pregnant with number 3 and I can’t get my head around this. It feels unfair that they rely on grandparents so much already to facilitate their lives and now adding in another child on top feels so much like they are going to take more of my parents time.

if you’ve got this far, well done. I just need to vent. I don’t want to seem horrible but I can’t believe this.

It’s your parents who need to be assertive here and just say no. Yes I agree it’s irritating but it’s really none of your business

Sorry if I've missed this somewhere, but are you the older sister? I wonder if you have always been assigned different roles in the family: you carry the emotional load of caring for your parents, whereas your sister has always been seen as the one who needs more help.

Your parents overcommitting to childcare is not your problem or responsibility. They might well have even wished you asked for more childcare help (which is how my in laws feel about their other grandchildren). Who knows? Park your resentment about your sister. Ask them to babysit for you more often if you want to.

You can certainly ask your parents to babysit. It is up to them to manage their time and energy so as not to prioritize your sister.

You sound jealous they didn’t help out as much with your own children

Its really strange you feel you cant ask them, your children are 12 and 8, thats a great age for their Grandparents to enjoy them. Without all the care giving. My oldest son is 15 and hes the oldest by quite a bit my parent love hanging out with him as hes good company and they can relax.

You cant dictate what they do for you sister but you shouldn't hold back because of her.

OP this is a conversation to have with your parents. Explain to them that you feel they give so much more of their time and energy to your sister and this means that 1. They would be too tired to help you, 2. It feels wrong to ask them when they already do so much.

Hopefully this will remind them that she is not the only adult child and that they are being unfair with their time.

If they truly care about your needs too, they will 1. Babysit even when tired (in which case they are adults and can make their own choices),. 2. They will put their foot down with sister and perhaps use one of her babysitting evenings to babysit for you.

If sister loses her mind about it, let her. She’s being selfish and a bully.

Your kids at 12 and 8 are probably much easier to look after / old enough to be helpful - rather than hard work in the way much younger kids are by virtue of their ages. Maybe worth having your parents babysit so they can see the contrast.

You're not really going to need babysitters for much longer anyway.

Are you at the point where you're expecting your parents to start needing more care? Is your sister and household likely to be able to help with that or is it more likely to be thrown at you? At this point you have time to think and be clear abound what you can and can't do and what you're willing to do, if that's different.

Its not your business. If your DPs dont like it its for them to speak up

When your sister is on maternity leave this would be the ideal time surely for your parents to step back and she can do her own childcare and school pick up. It’s then up to them if they continue with the arrangement afterwards.

I think this is a common problem really.One child copes really well ,doesnt ask for much help.The other one doesnt worry!I would ask for one off babysitting though .Your parents dont sound the type to be jetting off everywhere.They may prefer to look after DC at home .I think even if your Sis insists on rules. They will probably pop the dishwasher on ,hang the washing out and so on . Maybe have a quiet word with Mum ,but if shes happy theres not much you can do really

Know it's hard, but it's up to your parents to say no.
I really wouldn't wade in- there is no way it could come over well.

Feeling resentment towards your sister won't affect her at all but will make you unhappy.

Sounds like you are jealous of the amount of childcare your sister gets and on her terms.

Totally agree with this. It might help force the issue of them re thinking how much time they spend looking after her kids. Plus you don't want your kids to not have as close relationship with your parents because they spend significantly less time together and don't have the same opportunity to build a close relationship. Maybe say that to your parents as well, it might give them the courage to put their foot down to your sister - if they want too!

OP have you ever talked to your parents about this directly?
I would have a chat and lay out your concerns for them.
my brother recently had a baby with his girlfriend and I could see the writing on the wall, with my parents down the road and my brother already uses them as dog daycare 3+ times a week while they work!
I was honest with them and said look - I know you’re excited with 1st grandchild etc but don’t overcommit. You’ve worked v hard for retirement and now is when you should be holidaying, gardening, living out your wildest dreams! I don’t want you to overcommit to regular babysitting and feel tied to it and like you can’t plan to do things.
my dad was already on board but I could tell my mother hadn’t really thought that far ahead and it did make her think twice. They now have *provisionally agreed 1 day/week but on the proviso they will still holiday when they want and give my brother advance notice so they can sort out other childcare. They aren’t letting this affect their retirement, but still enjoy their grandchild.

sadly some people in life are “users” and your sister sounds like one. They’ll squeeeeeze all they can out of other people and won’t feel bad about it.
you can’t change her, but you can talk to your parents openly about your concerns for them and how their lives are being affected by this and that you want them to get out there and live their lives - enjoy retirement and spend their money (whilst they’re healthy and get maximal enjoyment/benefit).

Your sister sounds awful. Like some of the others have written, have a quiet chat with your mum, get it off your chest. Gauge her response. Maybe she is struggling and needs your support.

I will never understand people who say ‘it’s none of your business’. This is your immediate family - of course it’s your business!!

For what it’s worth OP I had a similar situation. My sister lives close to my parents and relied on them heavily for helping her bring up her children, even though she didn’t work for years when they were young. My parents also supported her financially, collected, paid for and delivered her shopping, sorted her out with a cleaner, etc. I lived three hours away and have not had a fraction of that help, nor would I ever feel comfortable asking or expecting. I mean, she took the children round to my parents’ in lockdown when it was against the rules, amongst countless other things. My dad was always ‘dropping everything’ to rush round and help her out.

My personality is very self-sufficient which I always considered lucky, but now think I was probably subconsciously working it to be this way. I don’t feel comfortable asking for help.

whenever I did mention the imbalance to my parents they always spun it that I was jealous. I wasn’t jealous, just used to compare eg. My parents didn’t visit my first born until he was 4 months old.

Anyway it changed when she got a new boyfriend and started upping her game in order to not look useless in front of him. She now works hard, her children are a bit older and she coparents with her ex, and my parents are now open to seeing how much they had been taken advantage of, and were also enabling her.

She might have a third child, but I don’t think it would play out the same way this time - our parents are older now.

But yes - the squeaky wheel gets the oil.

Thank-you to each and every one of your for replying. It’s given me food for thought and I will have a conversation with my parents. My personality is to be “no bother” to anyone and this will obviously play a part in how I am feeling.

ps I am the oldest by 6 years. We have a brother in the middle (gay and fabulous).

Do your sister & her DH both work & do you think they can afford another child? Your sister obviously doesn't see what you see and thinks your parents are on-call childminders by the sound of it. It's not unusual for siblings to see things differently nor to understand where the other is coming from, if you say anything to her you'll be the bad guy. Really it's upto your parents to decide what they're happy to do - have either of them said anything to you about it? What about your inlaws, are they involved with you, DH & family?

I think its time to have a conversation with your sister.

My parents are early/mid 70's and are really suffering with their health, but it has only come on in the last couple of years to the point where they need help rather than giving it.

Ask her what her plan is for when your ma and pa can no longer cope with babysitting (never mind all her rules!). Ask her what her plans are for if one of them gets ill (sadly, more likely as each year passes).

Sounds like little miss spoiled is rather too used to getting her own way with giving nothing back. As evidenced by the fact that she doesnt actually spend any meaningful time with them, just sees them at drop off and pick up. She is no closer to them than she would be her kid's keyworker at a nursery.

People rarely value anything that they dont have to pay for no matter its true worth, and she doesnt value them above what they can provide for her.

Feels to me like its time someone (you, and possibly your brother?) pointed out the reality. Yes she will kick off, probably cut you off and create a scene but it needs to be done.

She is using them to the hilt whilst they are fit enoighn to cope. with looking after her kids.

However, it is their choice.

But bide your time. And l dont want to sound awaful. Until one of them gets ill or they are lessa able cope.

Next time you’re all together ask your parents what they’re planning to do when they’ve got a year off while your sister is on maternity leave. This is where they should start by not doing childcare while your sister is off work. Our old neighbour used to look after grandchild Monday to Friday full time. Then the parents used to drop her off there on a Saturday so they could go to gym and lunch together. It was so bad but it is up to your parents to say something too. They can start now saying they won’t be able to manage 3 kids and they’re getting older of something. I’d be angry like you they’re taking the piss but your parents need to. Speak up.

As a family member said to his sister when she had her 4th, she needs to step up and reduce working hours to look after her kids. The youngest is almost school age, her parents are knackered and frequently say they’re having a rest if she is away with the dc. She and her dh each do a day a week, but rely very heavily on her parents for pick ups etc.

This is the status quo amongst almost all of my NCT group. The grandparents are the same age. They all (both sides) provide childcare one or two days a week. They all do ad hoc babysitting, too. The grandparents seem very up for it and in the three cases that I know are trying for third or fourth kids; the grandparents have supported the decision.

We don’t have any grandparents, so it’s me at classes and things; so I know most of the grandparents quite well at this point! They do sometimes moan about tiredness but it’s clear they wouldn’t change things. They love seeing the grandchildren as much and it’s a limited time until each one goes to school.

I can understand why you’re struggling with this if you wanted three and made the decision not to partially on childcare which you didn’t think would exist but now does( genuinely. But that doesn’t mean your sister is doing anything unusual or unfair and your parents, as well as her PIL, can say no or put an end to arrangements if they want to. In my experience; as someone who has to do it all without any family support on either side; it’s far, far more common to have a few days childcare from each side each week.

OP, I think you definitly need to verbalise how you feel.
Your sister uses your parents for childcare and your parents are on board with it and you socialise with them only.

Sisters like yours in my experience are nowhere to be seen when caring duties arrive.
You working part time will be viewed as the perfect fit to run around after your parents.
She will be far too busy with work and 3 children.

Resentment won't be far behind.