Sister childcare and pregnant again

[londonbananarama]

Hi

Am I being unreasonable?

my sister has just announced she is pregnant with her third child. Her other children are 6 and 2. In ordinary circumstances I’m sure you would expect me to be happy for her but I’m actually so annoyed.

for context, my children are 12 and 8. I’ve not ever used my parents for childcare as with my eldest they were working and as time has gone on and they’ve retired, I’ve not asked them for any regular childcare as don’t feel it is their “job”. We see them once or twice a week to spend time together.

my sister however is now using them as babysitters one night a week so she and my BIL can go to the gym and then two full days childcare for their youngest and school pick up those days for their eldest. They also rely on my BIL parents for childcare the other days. Because of how much they use my parents, I feel like I can’t ask them for one off babysitting as they are tired (they probably would do it but it feels wrong for me to ask). My sister is also anal about screen time and her children’s diet so has a list of requirements for looking after her kids and my parents just dance to the beat of her drum (she’s actually very rude to them). the kids are allowed no TV, no sugar and she requests that my parents are “completely” present with the kids the whole time. I.e. no doing chores or shopping or anything no completely child centred. My mum in particular is stressed by this but still goes along with it.

now she is pregnant with number 3 and I can’t get my head around this. It feels unfair that they rely on grandparents so much already to facilitate their lives and now adding in another child on top feels so much like they are going to take more of my parents time.

if you’ve got this far, well done. I just need to vent. I don’t want to seem horrible but I can’t believe this.

@op she obviously shouldn't be rude to them, but the rest is just your assumptions about how they feel

your parents can say no to babysitting

your parents can say no to the screen time ban

your parents can say no to the list of things to do

your parents can say no to the no chores ban

your parents can say feck off with this malarky, if they want to

you can ask your parents to babysit

I do get where you are coming from, my parents used to look after my siblings’ children so much we never felt like we could ask for any babysitting favours, even though it would have been once in a blue moon. It does seem a bit annoying that they palm off the childcare at every opportunity and then still have another baby to do the same with.

You’re boring me now

I literally could have written this!! I always get “But I don’t have to worry about you”

At this point I would be pulling my sister aside and saying (congratulations…but)

1. “Do you really expect Mum to look after 3 kids and not be able to pop Peppa Pig on for half an hour so she can enjoy a break with a cup of tea in her own home?”

2.”If you cant be more flexible and allow DM to be more of a ‘granny’ and less the hired help, she will likely burn out much quicker and where will you be then?”

It has actually. Anticipating the time when the poor GPs are in need of help themselves, the OP needs to let her sister know that it will be payback time for all she's had from them so she, the sister, will be doing the bulk of it.

So she uses both sets of grandparents for childcare and doesn't pay a penny? Yeah she's selfish.

Op, I could have written this post myself.
Only difference is that my children are you ger (3 and 1).
I am now exceptionally low contact with my parents because its the only way I can deal with the situation of them providing near on unlimited childcare to my sibling but absolutely none for myself.

londonbananarama
Your sister is extracting pure undiluted lemonade and she knows it
I know people will say you're resentful/jealous, its rearing it's ugly head and that your parents should be adult enough to just decline if need be; but they're probably so worn down they just accept and 'obey orders'
I feel for you because you'll be damned for saying what you've said but I think you're entitled to
Me being me I'd tell my put-upon parents to mention money whilst saying there.are plenty of registered child minders trained to follow their exacting instructions to the tee
Then see what happens
They'll probably blame you for turning grandparents against their angels and threaten to take them away
But I'd say to that they've probably seen enough of them for now
And most people respect their parents welfare

If your parents are already finding it a strain, three children might be the straw that breaks the camel's back and they may stop doing so much.

you are thinking for your parents but your sister apparently is not. I know it’s hard to make peace with it. I sometimes feel the same way ( I have a sister who used my parents for childcare for 12 years). What you can do is to state the facts with your parents and let them think about it.

Your sister sounds more like a dictator. If someone’s looking after your kids they do it as they see fit . You can’t completely give 110% of your time to kids, things need doing. If she was having to pay for childcare my guess is baby number 3 wouldn’t be happening. But in all fairness your parents need to say we’ve done out days of bringing kids up .

No TV and no sugar?..sod that 🤣

Sorry if it's already been asked and answered.
Do your parents get a holiday? Go on a holiday away?
Are they tied up with babysitting all year round?

Did they have no plans for their retirement or say they were downsizing, taking a cruise? Go to hobbies or their friends, gardening, gym, bowls whatever?
Being on high alert all the time sounds really tiring @londonbananarama for them. What are THEIR plans?

I imagine the grandparents are scared of upsetting the apple cart. Would they still get to see the children if they didn’t have them regularly through childcare, would access be revoked? I think I would be annoyed too but would probably speak to my mum and sister about it. I’m aware that this is not easy for some families.

You chose not to ask your parents for help with your children. You felt like you were doing the right thing which I absolutely understand but it was a choice as with anything else in life. Sounds as though they would have been willing to help you since they help your sister so much.

They do go away once / twice a year for a week or so at a time. They give lots of notice and the other grandparents do extra these times. Just like my parents do extra when the other grandparents are on holiday.

I have changed my working hours so as not to need to rely on anyone for childcare. Reduction in salary and not able to apply for promotions as a result. My parents are only recently retired though so it wasn’t an option when my kids were tiny. Even then I would probably have used a mixture of day care and my parents so as not to be relying on them too much.

@londonbananarama is this part of a pattern with how you feel your sister behaves or is it a one off thing?

You can ask your parents to look after your children like she has. There answer is their choice.

She is quite overbearing and opinionated on the whole - especially when it comes to parenting. She was good company prior to having kids, but now she obsesses over diet and screen time. For example, if they come to our house, dinner will be a drama as we will all have to sit and wait for her children to eat every morsel of food (I tend to be more relaxed - they are given a variety of foods but I don’t really care if they don’t eat it all). Then there will be an argument because her children will not be allowed dessert and mine will. You get the picture.

she’s also quite overbearing with play time - I tend to let the cousins play and stay out of it. But she will get involved and ruin the dynamic in favour of her children getting what they want etc.

So is this because you would've liked a 3rd, but due to everyone's age and working status you couldn't afford it with no family help, but now it's an option you feel too much time has passed and/or still can't afford?

I would have liked a third back in the day. But I’ve made my peace with it now and actually, being emotionally available to 3 kids is not for me. I like being able to give them the attention they need without having to compromise.

It's none of her business what two grown adults choose to do.

It doesn't suit the OP but that doesn't make it her business.