Sister childcare and pregnant again

[londonbananarama]

Hi

Am I being unreasonable?

my sister has just announced she is pregnant with her third child. Her other children are 6 and 2. In ordinary circumstances I’m sure you would expect me to be happy for her but I’m actually so annoyed.

for context, my children are 12 and 8. I’ve not ever used my parents for childcare as with my eldest they were working and as time has gone on and they’ve retired, I’ve not asked them for any regular childcare as don’t feel it is their “job”. We see them once or twice a week to spend time together.

my sister however is now using them as babysitters one night a week so she and my BIL can go to the gym and then two full days childcare for their youngest and school pick up those days for their eldest. They also rely on my BIL parents for childcare the other days. Because of how much they use my parents, I feel like I can’t ask them for one off babysitting as they are tired (they probably would do it but it feels wrong for me to ask). My sister is also anal about screen time and her children’s diet so has a list of requirements for looking after her kids and my parents just dance to the beat of her drum (she’s actually very rude to them). the kids are allowed no TV, no sugar and she requests that my parents are “completely” present with the kids the whole time. I.e. no doing chores or shopping or anything no completely child centred. My mum in particular is stressed by this but still goes along with it.

now she is pregnant with number 3 and I can’t get my head around this. It feels unfair that they rely on grandparents so much already to facilitate their lives and now adding in another child on top feels so much like they are going to take more of my parents time.

if you’ve got this far, well done. I just need to vent. I don’t want to seem horrible but I can’t believe this.

But that’s for your sister and her husband to sort and if the parents are happy to help and everyone’s happy then who cares. I know I sound blunt but it’s nothing to do with you.

If your parents or his parents (again, why are you so worried about what HIS parents do for childcare or not) didn’t want to do it they can say no and your sister and her husband would have to sort childcare elsewhere

This. It's quite possible that they would be genuinely delighted to have your 2 for the occasional sleepover or day. They might even be a bit offended that you never ask.

It's very British of us I know, but honestly we get nowhere trying to double or triple guess what everyone else is thinking. We are wrong on that way more often than we think.

I get why you're jealous she is having a another baby though. It's ok, you are allowed to feel like this. But you get through it by acknowledging it and processing it, not constructing cogent arguments about free childcare, however rational or correct. It's a head vs heart thing.

I'd have a little chat with your parents to see what they think/feel. Are they worried about the extra child in the mix or are they loving it? Looking after 3 is harder work than 2 and they're getting older.

I'd shake off the guilt around you asking them for help with babysitting. Your older children are probably easier to look after and they'd probably enjoy spending time with them while you do something.

I saw someone else suggested asking (with all present) what your sister plans to do about childcare and I think it does need airing.

I also think a chat with your parents about how you're feeling is important. I completely understand why you'd feel it's unfair that you spent so much money on childcare and that finances came into your decisions about how many children you had.

My mum was still working when my children were young but shifts so she offered to have them 1 day a week, my MIL also had them 1 day a week. It was up to my to sort and pay for any childcare beyond that. This felt fair and I was never prescriptive about what they could do with their days - that's their life, their choice, and they've brought up their own children, they know what they're doing. It's a privilege to have had them so involved in my children's lives

You can't see your parents on the 6 nights or 5 full days they don't have your sisters kids?

You are being petty as hell IMO. If your parents didn't want to do it or felt they couldn't then they are grown ups who should say so.

I think they sound lovely but also
a bit of a push over :)

I wouldn’t have dreamed of telling my
parents not to go to the shops etc while looking after my kids let alone the other rules. Are you kidding me?’ Why is your mum accepting this. They’re not paid childcare! That’s a complete cheek. I would have spoken to my mum about that.

I would ask them to babysit. It’s not your problem your sister has monopolised them

@londonbananarama

I had a similar situation but mine were the younger ones. We were late to the party though no fault of our own and childcare speared to have been already allocated. Then like you felt I couldn’t ask or thoughtful of their age and that they maybe tired/wanted some time to there own.

What happened was the more I backed off the more was taken by sibling in childcare. After yrs of resentment and a few rows I realised things would never be fair and there would never be a No. We now ask when we need it and feel no guilt if we get a yes and they overload themselves. resentment and rows have decreased and we all moved on.

its hard but i suggest you do the same or live with the resentment but I found that negatively affected my relationship with my parents for something that wasn’t my fault.

Realistically, if your children were there also, they would not be asking for the TV or sugary snacks. They would soon learn the rules and customs of the other household. It could be easier for your parents due to the kids playing together.

YANBU I’ve seen this with my grandparents and then my MIL and FIL.
However they have a choice to say no. They are grown adults. And yes I do ask my MIL to look after my kid around….once a month if needed and say to my SIL and MIL that I hardly ask and tbh my kid is no bother!

my SIL is onto her 2nd kid and my MIL has been going 3 times per week to take my nephew to school……the grandparents are a 10min drive away and the school is in the same street as my sister in law.

its frigging madness! Each to their own, they are grown adults but if we need the odd day or night I will ask.

How old are your parents? Things can change extremely quickly with older people, they might well suddenly find they are simply not up to it anymore. Your sister does not (I assume) have it written in blood that your parents will continue this arrangement until her third kid starts school, so she's taking a gamble here. A lot can change in 5 years when you are already aged 65 or however old.

At the end of the day you promote what you permit. If you parents don't want to do it then they need to say something. Have they given you any indication they don't want to do it?

But yeah it's annoying AF when a relative is getting tens of thousands of pounds of free childcare which you are not. I know exactly how you feel but unfortunately there's really nothing you can do about it apart from fall out with everyone which would achieve nothing.

Thanks everyone. More posts about how I can live and let live would be kindly appreciated!! Lol!!

I think this is quite patronising towards your parents tbh. They are adults with capacity and agency.

Your decision and determination not to ask for the favours you would like or need and then holding a grudge against your sister for it is pretty unfair.

I come from a family where we all help each other out where we can and I know lots like this too. My mum just says bo when she has other plans or is going to be away or feels tired etc. I trust her and allow her to be as involved as she wants to be and she loves being needed and helping us out. Many many people want to be involved and help. I am looking forward to being a grandparent and being able to support my dc with their children (if they ask and let me). Maybe your parents wish you would ask them and feel worried that you don't trust them or think them capable carers.

It feels a bit like none of your family members can win here.

They are both 70 this year. But again, this is part of my annoyance - how can my sister not see ahead and think this may not work long term? Honestly they need 4 people to keep them afloat during the week - is that normal?

@londonbananarama Have your parents said they don't like doing the childcare for your sister?

If they haven't and they are happy then you don't actually have anything to be bothered about, just your own projections.

Adopt from overseas? Were there not enough kids in the local area who needed homes? And what about their own kids? That's utterly mad, and selfish, yes.

I'd feel annoyed too. I bet your sister thinks she's an amazing mother, managing the two she's got so successfully with limited help (she probably doesn't acknowledge the amount your parents do - people like her never do) so why wouldn't she have a third?

Not sure there's much you can do, though. Family dynamics are often lop-sided and unfair (it's the same in my family, I have one massively entitled sister and the rest of us just have to get on with it.)

Well in the absence of paid childcare.

I had childminder, nursery staff, preschool staff, dog walker, cleaner etc at points, so a lot more than 4 people. The difference being I paid for them.

Anyone who has children and goes out to work etc has to have help as children can't be left alone. Your sister is lucky enough to have this help from extended family members.

Needing the help isn't remotely hard to understand. It annoys you that she doesn't have to pay for it.

Yes, children need childcare whilst their parents are at work, that is normal. Your parents I assume offered to do the 2 days per week? Not sure why you are bringing her in-laws into it, that does not impact you in anyway. It sounds as if you are resentful that your sister is getting help that you didn't, which is fine, but you need to own it.

If they are fit, well, healthy and willing then 69 is no age.

I think the planned state pension age is 68 isn't it? So many of us will still be grafting in paid employment then. Being able to be free enough to car for dgc may be a fantasy for us.

I should think it annoys her more that her sister isn't grateful for it and it means she doesn't get any help herself.

OP, your sister is having a 3rd child because of how much she uses your parents.

You are very very silly not to tell your parents how you feel about it.

Be honest that you never ask because they do so much for them.

Your sister is selfish pure and simple.
She doesn't care a dhit for your parents, they are free childcare.

Your parents are equally at fault.
It is very poor of them not to recognise hos lopsided this is.
But until you spell it out, it allows them to indulge her.

I have seen this first hard with my neighbour, looking after her sons 4 children for 4 years.
They had 4 children because of free childcare. His 3 sisters never got a look in.
It absolutely impacted the other relationships negatively.
Speak up and be clear or the resentment will sour things.

I have friends who were very clear when the first grandchild arrived that they would never be available for regular childcare as she needs to be available for all her children, not just those with children.
Wise women.

A friend of mine did free, full time childcare for her daughter (and the odd weekends and holidays) and when the youngest was starting school her DD told her she was thinking about having another baby. Friend told her she would have to explore childcare options for any subsequent babies as she was getting older and was looking forward to having time in the day when the youngest went to school. Strangely there wasn't a third child.

She has said herself that her parents would give any help she asked for. She has chosen not to ask.

They don't necessarily "need" though, they are using what is currently available to them. If they need or want to do things differently in future then they will find another way. Findingf the money for childcare, going down to one salary, something else. People muddle through all sorts.

In hunter gatherer days there used to be 10-15 caregivers for every child, and load was shared around, so I think yes it's quite normal to need 4 people's help. In nursery you'd technically be getting more help than this depending on how many people in the room (obviously with more kids also though). I think it's also great for the kids to be getting so much quality time with both sets of grandparents where they can get focussed attention with people who love them. They're very lucky and it's nice.

I think how you can live and let live, is start asking your parents for what you want and taking their answer at face value. That should help you feel less resentment. It's not up to you to manage their time or emotions. If they start saying no to you because they help your sibling too much, then by all means feel resentment and have a conversation with them about equalling the load! You don't know until you ask, don't hold it all inside.

Also I know maybe everyone says it's the answer to everything, but maybe some therapy or reading some relevant books? I think if you dig deeper to understand why you feel the need to self sacrifice, but then feel resentment at someone else getting what you want, is worthwhile.

Anyway, I am perhaps slightly resentful as I’ve paid for childcare for 12 years

I'd say you're enormously resentful, but that's not necessarily unjustified.

Have you spoken to your parents about this? How your sister expects so much childcare that you don't even feel able to ask for one off babysitting. Do they know you don't ask as you don't want to burden them further?