Sister childcare and pregnant again

[londonbananarama]

Hi

Am I being unreasonable?

my sister has just announced she is pregnant with her third child. Her other children are 6 and 2. In ordinary circumstances I’m sure you would expect me to be happy for her but I’m actually so annoyed.

for context, my children are 12 and 8. I’ve not ever used my parents for childcare as with my eldest they were working and as time has gone on and they’ve retired, I’ve not asked them for any regular childcare as don’t feel it is their “job”. We see them once or twice a week to spend time together.

my sister however is now using them as babysitters one night a week so she and my BIL can go to the gym and then two full days childcare for their youngest and school pick up those days for their eldest. They also rely on my BIL parents for childcare the other days. Because of how much they use my parents, I feel like I can’t ask them for one off babysitting as they are tired (they probably would do it but it feels wrong for me to ask). My sister is also anal about screen time and her children’s diet so has a list of requirements for looking after her kids and my parents just dance to the beat of her drum (she’s actually very rude to them). the kids are allowed no TV, no sugar and she requests that my parents are “completely” present with the kids the whole time. I.e. no doing chores or shopping or anything no completely child centred. My mum in particular is stressed by this but still goes along with it.

now she is pregnant with number 3 and I can’t get my head around this. It feels unfair that they rely on grandparents so much already to facilitate their lives and now adding in another child on top feels so much like they are going to take more of my parents time.

if you’ve got this far, well done. I just need to vent. I don’t want to seem horrible but I can’t believe this.

I think what gets me is how they are micromanaging their kids care whilst also being absent. No way. If they devolve childcare to your parents then those grandparents get to make the rules. Your parents should put their feet down they are obviously in awe of your sister.

This.

Also this!

No wonder she's having another, what an easy life she has. Deffo NBU. She's monopolised them. I would tell them how you feel.

I think you should be asking your parents to babysit for you so that you can go out. They need to realise the imbalance and perhaps be enabled so they can turn your sister's requests down. "Sorry, we can't babysit on Tuesday this week because we're looking after OP's DC".

I think this third baby might result in a shakeup TBH. They are older and will not want to be trying to entertain a toddler and a baby whilst doing school runs. I think your DSis is imagining DC2 at nursery in this mix but I truly hope your parents will realise that balancing three is vastly more complex than two with one being at school.

Maybe utilise them for Inset days so your DC gets to have days out with them too and you're not having to scrabble around or take days off?

Don't build up resentment. Realise that you love your parents in a way that means you never dreamt of imposing on them like that. What you're feeling is anger — not that your sister is getting free childcare — but that your sister is causing your parents to feel obliged to help and exhausting themselves in the process. It's her taking advantage that I think you're really upset about.

I bet if your sister and/ or her DH stopped working FT and had to look after their own children, those screen time and snack rules would soon go out the window.

Funny how people who don't look after their own DC on a daily basis are happy to make others follow strict rules.

Ynbu this pisses me off too. If you cant look after the kids you have, dont have more. Obviously grandparents like to help out. They should never be expected to

Why don't you and your sister babysit each others kids sometimes. Why is it down to your parents to babysit both sets of children .
Poor grandparents.

Then expect a row to be break out or things to be difficult. Is it worth it?
Everyone looks after their own kids, or sisters babysit each others occasionally. Poor grandparents.

OP I came on to say its hard to watch one sibling get loads of childcare help whilst you have had to struggle on.

Dh has a family member who for years demanded MIL time fully for childcare duties. There was no consideration for MILs health, her relationship with her other grandkids or how this impacts on anyone else. Whilst we struggled on without help and paid a fortune for babysitters and childcare.

Personally I think your parents need to tell your sister enough is enough. They are 70 years old and not fit to run after 3 young kids so wont be doing it. You also need to tell your parent's why you dont ask them to babysit so they realise this situation is having a negative effect on you to. Unfortunately your sister is continuing to have more children because she is being allowed to offload the day to day care and responsibility of those children to your parents. What if she decides to have a 4th?

If your parents didnt want to it's their place to say. But I also agree, it sounds your just disappointed that you don't get the help they do? Even though you don't ask?
Your sister sounds very lucky a lot of people have little to zero help. Id take it if it was offered to me. And also begrudging your sister because she's pregnant. It's another little neice or nephew to love. Everyone's parenting styles are different too it's not fair to comment on how she raises her children especially if your parents go along with it.
Just seems it's not really a you problem, maybe they are taken advantage of but it's only them who can say no. Some grandparents love to be involved and hands on, some think their time for children has finished.

This exact situation happened to me. My parents were worn out and when I spent time with them with my kids. They ended up making this a negative experience venting about my sister and her kids and how i was the better parent etc. When her third child came along they were wiped out and decided to move to their holiday home 3 hours away. My sister was fuming and said to me "how can they do this to our kids"

It was sad but I said to her "mine won't notice"

Fast forward 18m and my sister managed to get her own kids sorted and her own routine and funnily enough they are now looking to move back here. (Leeds)

I honestly think that was their only escape. The best part is that my sister has never had a job and has always had a partner. I've always been a single parent to x2 kids working full time with a mortgage on my own.