to not restart caring for elderly relative?

[cushionsareblue]

NC

I have been my grandmother’s primary carer (unpaid) for nearly 13 years. Since she was 80. She is now 93.

I took her to all her medical appointments, cleaning, washing, shopping, helped her shower as and when needed as sometimes she could manage sometimes she couldn’t and I dealt with any admin.

3 years ago, I also became the primary carer (unpaid) for my grandmother and grandfather on the other side of the family.

My grandparents both sadly passed away in August/December last year.

Due to the level of care my grandparents needed I took a step back from my grandmother and other relatives had to take on some of the responsibilities.

Despite my grandmother being the only elderly person they looked after, they did all seem to struggle with this - my grandmother can be a difficult woman.

My family want me to restart caring for her again and I don’t want too.

I think the time has come for a professional carer.

I have saved her thousands of pounds in care costs by taking on this responsibility despite by Grandmother having lots and lots of money that she is unwilling to spend on carers.

Her children are going to benefit from this saving when she passes and are therefore, reluctant to encourage a professional.

Today, my aunt contacted me to say my Grandmother was struggling with dressing and I told her that she needs a professional carer and I would be happy to organise this - Not keen!

AIBU not wanting to do this? Should I just do it, to make my Grandmother and everyone else happy?

You are 10000% not being unreasonable

Absolutely 💯 YANBU.

There are options, private care is available; if they dont want to go that route, they can continue to provide the care themselves.

Do not resume.

If others want the money to be saved it’s their turn to step up

Saying no you've done enough and you can't do anymore is a perfectly acceptable response.

If relatives don't like it, they can volunteer to care instead.

Not only are you NOT unreasonable, I think you need to take a look at why you are the only one in the family being given this heavy burden, sounds like you've been the primary carer all three elderly relatives. What about your life OP? you deserve one too.

Well I'm sorry but I would be telling them all to fuck right off. Is your aunt your grandmother's daughter? - regardless what a cheeky fuckery she is. Stand your ground OP, remember that famous mumsnet quote 'no is a full sentence' !! You don't owe them any explanation

I would have just told your aunt to go and help your DGM get dressed then if she was so worried!

Hoping you got some financial reimbursement for your dgps

where are her dc when it comes to being a carer

It kind of just happened….. I was on maternity leave when it first started 13 years ago, then it just carried on, despite me going back to work.

I was particularly close to my grandparents and I don’t regret a single second of caring for them before they passed. It was an absolute privilege that I could do that for them.

I suppose I’m worrying that if I don’t restart, I might regret it and feel guilty when my grandmother dies.

Thing is, I just don’t want too, as for the first time in 13 years I’m only responsible for my own family and I really, really like it.

I also find myself annoyed at the money saving aspect as I’ve not gone for promotions/new jobs due to the caring commitments I had so financially as a family we have really taken a hit.

No, I didn’t.

Just keep saying no and offering to help find care support for her.
Strength OP its hard saying no to family.
It will be best for her in the long run. Hopefully you can then just go around to enjoy lunch or tea and cake with a chat, knowing you dont have to scrub the house also.

Yes, her daughter. She helped this morning, but basically would like me resume my caring role to avoid this in the future.

Your aunt is unbelievably cheeky! I’d tell her to organise it herself.

Tell her very clearly that you are not an unpaid carer who will suck up this role just to protect her inheritance!

Are your own parents alive? If so, why are you caring for their parents? Do you have a job?

Say no and keep saying no. You've done more than enough. Being a carer is draining, exhausting, isolating - even when you love the person you're caring for. It's time for you to put your own needs first. This is not selfish - you only have one life and you are important too!

presumably one of your parents is her daughter/son? Why aren’t they taking responsibility (apologies if they have passed already as this could sound insensitive). If they are fit and well then it’s their responsibility along with your aunts/uncles whoever to sort this out. It’s time for you now, you can still visit or help in a real emergency but this should not be your burden to shoulder.

Yes I have parents.

My Grandmother is my Dads Mum.

He does do bits but not as full on as me.

Yes, I work part-time. I couldn’t increase this as I had to many caring responsibilities.

The thing is there's every chance you will end up caring for your father in the future too. 13 years is a long time. It's time you looked after your immediate family for a while and enjoyed the time you have with them at home and make the most of your career whilst you can. Your Dad can step up or cough up. You've done your shift and have other caring responsibilities still already.

Sounds like your relatives are almost borderline abusive towards you in their expectations is it cultural?

Wow ...... how dare she expect you to provide care she doesn't want to provide for her own mum. My comments still stand, no is a complete statement!

This is my state of mind at the moment, I need to live my life and be free.

I’ve sacrificed so much over the years, I can’t relive that time. I just want to do things with my family and friends and just relax without everything being such a time pressure.

I also need to process losing my grandparents, who both died in their own home with me providing almost around the clock care in their last few days.

Yes, simply refuse to care. Go and visit- have a cup of tea and a biscuit but don’t life a finger.

It’s not like she is poor with no other option.

Finally enough, I told my siblings I’m OUT of any parental caring after all of this. It’s up to them to care or organise care for our parents.

Not cultural. I think they use me.

Every time I go and try and just visit, I get a list of jobs. So I haven’t been this month to even visit as I feel cruel saying no.

I would send a message to all,parties, including your father and siblings. Detail, exactly what you have done over the past 13 years and the financial and emotional hit you have take (part time, no promotions, spread thinly and not able to focus on your own family) and that your caring duties are now done, forever and everyone else has to either step up, or care paid for

then crack on with your new life and ignore any message they may send