I find SD12 increasingly unpleasant

[ClaytonC]

… And I don’t know what I can do about it.

I’ve known these kids for eight years. I’ve always gelled with SD13 (sweet, creative, slightly awkward) and SS9 (funny, sporty, loving). SD12 has always been the one I’ve had the least in common with. She’s extroverted, dominant and wants to have her own way.

AIBU: I should make more of an effort to bond with her
AINBU: it’s okay not to like everyone, just remain polite and keep distance when possible

Nomas, you are entitled to your view, and I have mine.

The OP has some excellent support on this thread and I hope it will help her with her predicament as she seems keen on resolving the problems in her blended family set up.

It sounds like the girl is just a normal albeit perhaps spirited 12 year old and with love, guidance and support she'll grow up to be an amazing young adult no doubt. And OP should be very proud of herself for caring for other people's offspring despite struggling with the set up.

Would it be possible for you not to live with thier dad?It all sounds incredibly hard work and personaly I would be asking myself do I want this for the next 10 years until they are off doijg their own thing.

Whether she discussed it with the parents or not, it’s certainly not the OP’s responsibility to decide to have her stepdaughter assessed. She has two fully functioning parents (well, that’s maybe a bit of a stretch) who should be capable of making that decision. It seems that you are able to diagnose her via the internet, so maybe any possible ADHD traits have already been identified and discussed by the people who know her in real life.

Glad it wasn't just me that immedietely had an eye roll at that. Every single stepmother thread on here has the same backstory. The ex wife always ended up cheating and leaving the poor husband for the other man. Exactly how many women are there out there are finding the time to have affairs whilst pregnant or with young children? Not many I would wager.

Women cheat too, you can eyeroll as much as you like.

Yes, try to build a bond in some way. And the fact that she is 12 means she'll be becoming more independent in a few years anyway, building friendships of her own etc.....especially if she is outgoing. So her focus will shift towards others too as well as the family members. Maybe encourage hobbies she really enjoys.

I really feel for you OP. Step parenting is the hardest thing I’ve EVER done. I’m sorry you’ve been slammed by so many who clearly don’t have the same experience. It feels like trying as best possible to bond but at the same time maintaining your own boundaries would be a good option. It’s hard and I wish you all the best in this.

Yeah, she's not so much the issue as your DH is!

She's a child, likely in/on the cusp of puberty, who has to share attention of both parents, with not only 2 siblings but also a step parent.

All behaviour is communication and sounds like she acts up due to lack of positive attention? What one to one time does she have with her dad?

He needs to step up, and spend quality time with each of his kids as well as setting boundaries around appropriate behaviours e.g stop talking, or leave, ignore her ignoring him, and call her out on her rudeness re: "I'd rather have the cash". Equally, on that last point, YOU can easily say something light but to the point in response to that - along the lines of "good to know, but thats not on offer".

I remember how hard managing my emotions was for me as a teenager, so when mine are utterly vile as they all are at times, I try to remember this!

They may physically be older, but developmentally their brains are still developing as rapidly as they were when they were toddlers! Tween/Teenagers can be equally as irrational and emotional as toddlers, but it takes us by surprise by they have better vocabulary now so we expect more rational behaviour.

She isn’t a selfish manipulator she is a child

The two states are not mutually exclusive.

I'm amazed by all the posters who were never an obnoxious teenage (or just pre-teenage) girl.

while you have always gotten on least with her she’s at a tough age, I always remember how up and down ds was at that age with hormones. I think definitely bear that in mind and try your best to be there for her, kids need adults to be present and parent them

Because no child ever has been selfish or manipulative?

Not without reason. Behaviour is a communication

Children have to be selfish. They are dependent for survival on other people. Selflessness is not an option open to them in childhood, but being trained towards it helps them achieve adulthood. Likewise, manipulative is what people with no power have to do to survive - again, a healthy adult should not have to be that, but a child may.

Unfortunately blended families never work completely. I don't much care for other people's children so it must be hard but you made this choice and she did not. All behaviour is communication (whether some people like to admit that or not) so maybe read some parenting books / child behaviour books to help you better understand her. She isn't being deliberately difficult, any more than an adult who is struggling would be so the onus really is on you to be kind here.

There's also the possibility that she doesn't like you but hasn't yet developed the adult skills of tolerating you.

That’s a whole load of drivel to justify poor behaviour. You don’t spend a lot of time around kids , do you?

The reason sometimes is “I want…” . Some wants are reasonable,some aren’t. Sometimes it’s really not that deep.