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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I find SD12 increasingly unpleasant

168 replies

ClaytonC · 19/02/2026 21:06

… And I don’t know what I can do about it.

I’ve known these kids for eight years. I’ve always gelled with SD13 (sweet, creative, slightly awkward) and SS9 (funny, sporty, loving). SD12 has always been the one I’ve had the least in common with. She’s extroverted, dominant and wants to have her own way.

AIBU: I should make more of an effort to bond with her
AINBU: it’s okay not to like everyone, just remain polite and keep distance when possible

OP posts:
GeorgeMichaelsCat · 20/02/2026 07:49

ClaytonC · 19/02/2026 21:31

I hear what you’re saying but her behaviour is getting worse (in my opinion) and I’m finding it increasingly hard to be around.

Some examples:

  1. She messages DH and my family members asking for money. When they say no, she’ll ignore them
  2. whenever DH and I disagree, even on something minor like what to make for dinner, she has to insert herself into the conversation to tell me I’m wrong and he’s right
  3. She hounds DH for attention to the extent that the others don’t get a look in. If they sit next to him, she’ll sit on his lap. I can’t even hold his hand without her intervening. Yet when she’s at her mum’s, she leaves him on read
  4. We sometimes have family movie nights (no pressure if you’d rather read or be in your room instead). If she hasn’t picked the film, she’ll talk through it until it’s ruined for everyone
  5. If she gets told off, she cries and is melodramatic until she’s getting comfort and attention. The reason she was told off is forgotten about

I’ve tried to build bonds with her and she’s not interested unless it’s something that means me spending lots of money and excludes her siblings. If I suggest something like cinema with her, she’ll openly say she’d rather have the cash, or that I should take her siblings instead (so she can be with her dad).

Show quote history

What are the consequences for these actions?

CautiousLurker2 · 20/02/2026 07:50

I’m a parent rather than a step parent and, honestly, many teens (12y+) go through a phase of being bloody horrible. One of mine has been a nightmare until she left for uni when, strangely, she remembered how fricking lucky she is. Try not to take it personally, be clear about your boundaries with respect to her behaviour, and try not to shut them out. Puberty is a minefield these days with school, exams, social media. It’s really hard to be the adult in relationships when they are being vile, but you have no choice. They do come back to you eventually.

Lobelia123 · 20/02/2026 07:50

I feel for you because this is a tough one. On the one hand you want to understand and be empathetic if this is a self-esteem/insecurity issue, on the other hand you dont want to teach her that manipulation works (even if its coming from a place of damage and not intent). Maybe its time to refer this to a professional and get some advice, its really above Mumsnets paygrade.

Notasbigasithink · 20/02/2026 07:50

ClaytonC · 19/02/2026 21:06

… And I don’t know what I can do about it.

I’ve known these kids for eight years. I’ve always gelled with SD13 (sweet, creative, slightly awkward) and SS9 (funny, sporty, loving). SD12 has always been the one I’ve had the least in common with. She’s extroverted, dominant and wants to have her own way.

AIBU: I should make more of an effort to bond with her
AINBU: it’s okay not to like everyone, just remain polite and keep distance when possible

You cant warm to every personality on this planet, so its ok to not like everyone.You also do not have that maternal bond despite what other people say. Unless that child is genetically yours, you will never have that unconditional love for them.However, this child did not choose to have you in their life but you had the choice whether to be in theirs. For this reason, you need to suck it up and do your best to treat all 3 children equally otherwise the whole relationship will break down with everyone involved.

CurlewKate · 20/02/2026 07:51

Ilovelurchers · 19/02/2026 21:15

I assume you are married to the dad and yuu live with these kids at least some of the time. (Just checking as people use the term "step" sometimes when they aren't married).

If this is the case, I think it behoves you to try to have as positive a relationship as you can with this kid. Whatever your secret thoughts, you need to conceal the fact that you don't actually like her.

So if you’re not married you don’t have a relationship with your partner’s children? What???

Hoardasurass · 20/02/2026 07:52

nomas · 20/02/2026 07:37

Destroying a child by not giving into her demands for expensive treats all the time?

Now I've heard it all.

Show quote history

No destroying her by playing favourites with her siblings and disengageing/grey rocking her.
This is causing the behaviour and creating a destructive environment for that poor child, who deserves better from the adults in her life.
This woman is creating a golden child/black sheep narrative and environment ho spend some time on the relationship board and talk to the survivors of such environments and then come back and tell me that this woman isn't destroying this poor child

JMSA · 20/02/2026 07:54

She’s a product of her background Sad

nomas · 20/02/2026 07:57

Hoardasurass · 20/02/2026 07:52

No destroying her by playing favourites with her siblings and disengageing/grey rocking her.
This is causing the behaviour and creating a destructive environment for that poor child, who deserves better from the adults in her life.
This woman is creating a golden child/black sheep narrative and environment ho spend some time on the relationship board and talk to the survivors of such environments and then come back and tell me that this woman isn't destroying this poor child

Show quote history

The girl doesn’t want to go out with OP unless OP spends big money on her! What do you want OP to do, force her?

sundayvibeswig22 · 20/02/2026 07:58

She sounds deeply unhappy. Not every child deals with parental separation, potential trauma, new home, new step parent in the same way. She’s communicating and feels insecure and unsettled. You and her father need to try harder to understand the function of the behaviour- why is she behaving like this? Even if the behaviour appears irrational, there will be reasons for it.

Muffsies · 20/02/2026 08:00

She sounds very insecure. What are her school friend relationships like?

Christmasinmecar · 20/02/2026 08:01

BeMellowAquaSquid · 19/02/2026 22:29

This exactly. I find myself increasingly shocked by these responses. Truly truly shocked.

Also.. who says “ghastly”.. who are you Enid Blyton?

Edited
Show quote history

Truly truly shocked- really that's a bit extreme?

Harrietsaunt · 20/02/2026 08:02

This sounds like DH isn’t parenting effectively. I feel sorry for the siblings being pushed out and having their time with dad ruined by dominant DSD.

He needs to start parenting her properly. Consequences for talking through family film, being rude.

Hoardasurass · 20/02/2026 08:08

nomas · 20/02/2026 07:57

The girl doesn’t want to go out with OP unless OP spends big money on her! What do you want OP to do, force her?

Show quote history

No but she can treat this child in exactly the same way as the other 2.
This behaviour is a product of the environment that she's being raised in and the fact that @ClaytonC thinks that her behaviour is acceptable and is wanting to ramp it up shows that she's the problem not the child.
If @ClaytonC can't change the way she treats all 3 then she needs to leave because that girl deserves so much more than an emotionally abusive step mother

TakeALookAtTheseSwatches · 20/02/2026 08:13

As much as people will say it's something you should sort out (or even her father) sometimes children can just be unpleasant people, and they turn in to unpleasant adults. Just because she happens to be a step child doesn't mean that can't be the case, as you've said it isn't the case with the other kids. I'd say keep trying to connect with her but don't beat yourself up too much about it.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 20/02/2026 08:13

She's a middle child. She needs extra attention

Original poster
ClaytonC · 20/02/2026 08:27

Hoardasurass · 20/02/2026 07:52

No destroying her by playing favourites with her siblings and disengageing/grey rocking her.
This is causing the behaviour and creating a destructive environment for that poor child, who deserves better from the adults in her life.
This woman is creating a golden child/black sheep narrative and environment ho spend some time on the relationship board and talk to the survivors of such environments and then come back and tell me that this woman isn't destroying this poor child

Show quote history

If anything, the opposite is true. SD12 is the one who gets the most individual attention, the one who gets her own way the most, the one who has days out and holidays centred around herself the most.

I don’t play favourites with the children. I always ask if they’d like to do something with me, and invariably SD12 says no and the others usually say yes. That means I naturally spend more time with the others. I don’t think forcing her to come on a dog walk or play a board game would make her like me more!

SD12 is, by nature, the most outgoing and confident of the children. As a result, she is very good at advocating to have her needs met. She has a lot of friends, and as long as she’s getting her way, she’s a very happy child.

OP posts:
Emonade · 20/02/2026 08:28

ClaytonC · 19/02/2026 21:31

I hear what you’re saying but her behaviour is getting worse (in my opinion) and I’m finding it increasingly hard to be around.

Some examples:

  1. She messages DH and my family members asking for money. When they say no, she’ll ignore them
  2. whenever DH and I disagree, even on something minor like what to make for dinner, she has to insert herself into the conversation to tell me I’m wrong and he’s right
  3. She hounds DH for attention to the extent that the others don’t get a look in. If they sit next to him, she’ll sit on his lap. I can’t even hold his hand without her intervening. Yet when she’s at her mum’s, she leaves him on read
  4. We sometimes have family movie nights (no pressure if you’d rather read or be in your room instead). If she hasn’t picked the film, she’ll talk through it until it’s ruined for everyone
  5. If she gets told off, she cries and is melodramatic until she’s getting comfort and attention. The reason she was told off is forgotten about

I’ve tried to build bonds with her and she’s not interested unless it’s something that means me spending lots of money and excludes her siblings. If I suggest something like cinema with her, she’ll openly say she’d rather have the cash, or that I should take her siblings instead (so she can be with her dad).

Show quote history

It sounds like she has attachment problems and needs help rather than you bitching about her on mumsnet

Sartre · 20/02/2026 08:31

Does she ever spend time with her dad alone? I’m just thinking back to my childhood, my parents split when I was a baby and my dad intentionally never introduced me to anyone he was dating. Weekends were our time, I didn’t have to ‘share’ him.

I think if you’re always around, that should change and she should be allowed to have some time just with her father. You’ve been a fixture since she was very young and I think she feels insecure and like you’ve ‘stolen’ her dad. She’s only a child, don’t expect her to understand the world from a mature adult perspective.

EatYourDamnPie · 20/02/2026 08:33

Hoardasurass · 20/02/2026 08:08

No but she can treat this child in exactly the same way as the other 2.
This behaviour is a product of the environment that she's being raised in and the fact that @ClaytonC thinks that her behaviour is acceptable and is wanting to ramp it up shows that she's the problem not the child.
If @ClaytonC can't change the way she treats all 3 then she needs to leave because that girl deserves so much more than an emotionally abusive step mother

Show quote history

You made all that shit up.

Londontown12 · 20/02/2026 08:37

ClaytonC · 19/02/2026 21:31

I hear what you’re saying but her behaviour is getting worse (in my opinion) and I’m finding it increasingly hard to be around.

Some examples:

  1. She messages DH and my family members asking for money. When they say no, she’ll ignore them
  2. whenever DH and I disagree, even on something minor like what to make for dinner, she has to insert herself into the conversation to tell me I’m wrong and he’s right
  3. She hounds DH for attention to the extent that the others don’t get a look in. If they sit next to him, she’ll sit on his lap. I can’t even hold his hand without her intervening. Yet when she’s at her mum’s, she leaves him on read
  4. We sometimes have family movie nights (no pressure if you’d rather read or be in your room instead). If she hasn’t picked the film, she’ll talk through it until it’s ruined for everyone
  5. If she gets told off, she cries and is melodramatic until she’s getting comfort and attention. The reason she was told off is forgotten about

I’ve tried to build bonds with her and she’s not interested unless it’s something that means me spending lots of money and excludes her siblings. If I suggest something like cinema with her, she’ll openly say she’d rather have the cash, or that I should take her siblings instead (so she can be with her dad).

Show quote history

Sounds like she is a middle child and suffering ! She needs one on one time with her dad or yourself !
When your the middle child it's easy to get overlooked and her crowbarring her way in lets me think she needs some quality time with her parent she's being difficult because in her head it justified she's becoming a teenager it's hard given her some slack

Shutuptrevor · 20/02/2026 08:40

You’ll get lots of replies from people who aren’t stepparents and don’t get it, OP. It’s hard.

For what it’s worth, I would focus on being friendly and consistent, but avoid trigger points- take yourself out of the situation if you need to. It sounds like she’s understandably grieving the loss of her nuclear family unit, but you can’t fix that for her. All you can control is what you offer.

Ophy83 · 20/02/2026 08:42

Kids are a product of their parenting. Your DH needs to be firmer with her, in particular where her behaviour is negatively impacting her sisters e.g. sitting on his lap when they are next to him/talking through the film. He needs clear boundaries and to be firm.

The flip side is that she does need attention, and it sounds like she needs more than she is getting. All three of them need one to one time with him as well as time together as a family. It would probably help to set out the plan for the weekend at the start so she knows it will be fair

Does he ever have them without you being there? Because that is also important. Also bear in mind that although you have been in their lives a long time she's now at an age where she may be wondering why e.g. the youngest was only a baby when you and her dad got together, and she may have questions about what happened there and why he left them for you. Even if that isn't how it happened those may be her thoughts, which will feed any insecurity.

saraclara · 20/02/2026 08:44

Ah these people saying that she needs one to one time with her dad, clearly haven't been reading OP 's posts.

She's getting that one too one time with him far more than her siblings, simply by rejecting OP and the activities that she suggests and the other children take up.

I'm amazed that virtually everyone in this thread thinks OP is unreasonable, when she's done everything she can (short of spending a lot of money on her that her siblings don't get). It's the girl who's rejecting OP, rather than the other way round.

@ClaytonC what does her father do when she ruins things for the rest of you, or when she pushes you and her siblings away from him?

TheBlueKoala · 20/02/2026 08:46

ClaytonC · 20/02/2026 08:27

If anything, the opposite is true. SD12 is the one who gets the most individual attention, the one who gets her own way the most, the one who has days out and holidays centred around herself the most.

I don’t play favourites with the children. I always ask if they’d like to do something with me, and invariably SD12 says no and the others usually say yes. That means I naturally spend more time with the others. I don’t think forcing her to come on a dog walk or play a board game would make her like me more!

SD12 is, by nature, the most outgoing and confident of the children. As a result, she is very good at advocating to have her needs met. She has a lot of friends, and as long as she’s getting her way, she’s a very happy child.

Show quote history

She sounds insufferable tbh. But it's not her fault- it's her dad's. Why doesn't your dh call her out on her behaviour? Why is he letting his other children take a back seat in order to pander to the most vocal child? Everyone is talking about her needs while I see two children whose emotional needs are not being met because their sister is a main character in the family.

StepawayfromtheLindors · 20/02/2026 08:46

Roosch · 19/02/2026 22:11

She sounds ghastly, and is openly competing with you for her father’s attention in a creepy way. Sitting on her father’s lap, not letting you guys hold hands, putting you down - that’s outrageous. If her father isn’t strongly shutting this down, you should leave the whole ghastly lot of them.

Show quote history

creepy? She’s 12!