I find SD12 increasingly unpleasant

[ClaytonC]

… And I don’t know what I can do about it.

I’ve known these kids for eight years. I’ve always gelled with SD13 (sweet, creative, slightly awkward) and SS9 (funny, sporty, loving). SD12 has always been the one I’ve had the least in common with. She’s extroverted, dominant and wants to have her own way.

AIBU: I should make more of an effort to bond with her
AINBU: it’s okay not to like everyone, just remain polite and keep distance when possible

She gets more one on one time with her dad than her other siblings and doesn’t want to spend time with OP. So what now?

Some people don’t make good step parents - you are one of them OP.

Ok so she gets 1:1 time but only because you plan activities for them all and she decides to stay behind with her dad? This isn’t really planned 1:1 time then, she’s choosing it because she clearly craves and needs that! Point proven really. I think her dad should be organising something for the two of them to intentionally do together every week. He should also be doing something with his other children independently too. Basically, you shouldn’t always be there.

It’s ok not to like her behaviour, because it’s not very likeable. Just keep doing what you’ve been doing. Keep offering and engaging. However, there should be some ground rules around behaviour. Is your husband able and willing to actually parent her ? Not for you , but for the siblings’ relationship sake and her own sake. I doubt her siblings enjoy being overlooked and experiences ruined because she shouts the loudest. If not, nothing will ever change , so you need to decide if you can put up with it.

Well you’ve had some influence into how she’s formed haven’t you if you’ve been with her since she was 4 so you need to step up and take responsibility!

Hi Op,
I'm sorry you're going through this - incredibly difficult.
You can't force SD to change her behaviour to you and I agree that you should continue being kind and offering her the same connections you offer the other children... but if she doesn't take you up on it that doesn't mean you need to try harder to force connection. Continually trying harder with someone who won't appreciate it is a sure fire way to resentment and stepmum burnout.

Your partner has a role to play here too.... when her behaviour is rude, he needs to manage that. Of course he needs to give her love and 1:1 time but he is also her parent and needs to parent her appropriately. Your partner hold the role here to lead.... how does he want to do that?

Remember - your stepdaughter's reaction to you is likely more about where she's at than specifically about you.

Good luck

i think that’s unfair and unnecessary. This woman is asking for help to navigate a tricky situation. She has clarified and answered questions calmly and clearly. Nowhere is she ‘bitching’ about this child. Take a look at yourself.

Yup yabu. She's a child, and she's unhappy. It's your job as an adult in her life to find something to like about her, and to build a compassionate understanding of her difficulties.

You're the adult, this is 100% on you.

Brilliant advice.

Every few months, I go away for a weekend when they’re here. Every year, they go on a two week holiday and I join for the second week.

All of the children have been asked if they want to change the contact pattern to spend more time with us and have said no (I think this is largely due to their mum and feeling she’d be hurt if they did).

SD and DH cook together most evenings, she also spends every Saturday morning with him (when I take SS to football and often they go shopping) and most Sunday mornings when older SD, SS and I take the dogs on a big walk.

This.

Another "I wanted to be with the parent of pre-existing dc so took on that admittedly difficult role, but now find them a bloody nuisance. Does the world feel sorry for poor little me?"

No, op, we don't.

I can see how this would be extremely hard to live with.

What is your DH’s opinion on her behaviour and what does he actively do to challenge it or does he just ignore it which only encourages it?

I say "ghastly".

How do you know she’s unhappy?

It sounds like you are just different characters but you are the adult.

How often does she stay with you?

It’s the girl who’s rejecting OP, not the other way round

I think, as me and her mum are very different people with different interests, and her mum doesn’t rate me very much, and I think this plays a part.

She's tried. But the only thing the girls wants from her is money.

It is fine to not like her behaviour. It is not likeable. You must remind yourself that it is behaviours that you dislike, not her. Often, if necessary.

The only other advice I can give is to persevere reinforcing positive behaviours but with clear boundaries. She may well be quite different in a couple of years.

My own SD had a tricky phase at around 12-14 (it was quite a long one), but she’s like a completely different girl now.

12 is very very young still

This is a little girl who sounds tricky and unhappy

She will absolutely be picking up on being disliked and the cycle continues.

OP, you say, “SD12 is, by nature, the most outgoing and confident of the children” - and yet her behaviour shows that she’s not actually at all as confident as she would like you to think. She is desperate for time with her father - you say she gets more time than her siblings, but there is clearly some insecurity here. As for ignoring her father when she’s with her mother, perhaps she is equally trying to get her mother’s attention. For whatever reason, this child feels she needs attention from her parents - have you looked into attachment disorders? I completely understand that this is difficult for you, OP, but as an adult you need to be understanding rather than judgemental, difficult though that may be. She’s still a child, and I fear the teenage years may also prove to be a long rocky path - but when she’s driving you mad, maybe hang on to the fact that it’s not easy for her, and this behaviour is needy - there is a problem somewhere.

How does her dad enforce boundaries around the bratty aspects of her behaviour? How does he ensure that she doesn't get more favourable outcomes than her siblings, but that they are all equal?

How is she at school?

How much time did your DH have with his DC after splitting up with their mum before you came on the scene?

Nobody on this thread, other than OP, seems to care about the siblings, who are living under the shadow of this girl who must always have her own way.

If you were talking about your daughter rather than your step daughter, you would be getting different responses. Step-mums are always made out to be the wicked witch.

Your SD sounds like she has typical middle child syndrome. The constant demands to be the centre of attention are hard work to deal with. It would grate on me to see one child eclipse the other two all the time.

You are giving equal attention to all. The other girls sound like they appreciate you and your company. Your husband needs to step up and do the same. His attention needs to be shared equally and not to the one who shouts the loudest. It’s going to get ugly before it gets better because I guarantee there will be tantrums. It needs to be fair and consistent. I would start by all of you doing things together. Things like the dog walk, games etc. When she says she would rather stay with DH. He needs to say he wants to spend time with everyone and is doing that activity too. Stop allowing everything to revolve around her. He needs to say it is unfair to talk through other people’s movies. She cannot push someone else’s out the way to be first in line for a hug. Everyone in your house is as important as each other.

@ClaytonC you haven't answered any of the questions about how your DH manages her behaviour over the TV and her pushing you and her siblings out.