I find SD12 increasingly unpleasant

[ClaytonC]

… And I don’t know what I can do about it.

I’ve known these kids for eight years. I’ve always gelled with SD13 (sweet, creative, slightly awkward) and SS9 (funny, sporty, loving). SD12 has always been the one I’ve had the least in common with. She’s extroverted, dominant and wants to have her own way.

AIBU: I should make more of an effort to bond with her
AINBU: it’s okay not to like everyone, just remain polite and keep distance when possible

I mean, I think most parents find young teens increasingly unpleasant. 😬

I agree with pp, the issue is not you and your responses, it's the responses from your husband. Not just in the moment, but afterwards. He needs to be having conversations that reiterate that she can't just manipulate the situation all the time to get her own way, that she's part of a family, not the only princess in the castle.

She's 12, this is behaviour that can be corrected, but not by just ignoring it and letting her get her own way all the time because it's easier. The other children, and you, miss out because of it.

This is something that might not be easy. But I'm sure she'd rather learn now, than to have the love of her life leave her when she's an adult, breaking her heart, because she's never learned that constantly being manipulated so one person gets her own way isn't the way anyone else likes to live.

I will also say that at 12, I was an absolute horror. Not in the same way, but I was vile. Absolutely vile.

My children are now 14 and 17 and have been absolute delights compared to me. I also have a step son who was a delight at 12 - however, mine are all boys and clearly are quite different in terms of personality. Very biddable and easy going. I was not lol!

Absolutely

ADHD is not a total lack of attention, but a deficiency in regulating it, which is why she can focus on a film she chose that she finds interesting. Im not saying she 100% has it, just that as someone with ADHD and an ADHD child a lot of what you are describing jumps out. I think you should look into it but you seem determined to just want confirmation that she is annoying little madam. The more you write the more I sympathise with her and let's not pretend that she doesnt know you dislike her because she definitely will.

You actually don’t care about this girl, she’s just a means to beat up the OP.

Just a dig at stepmums

This is MN, it will always be the step-mother's fault! The three children may have different personalities, the 12 year old not being as likeable. One assumes that the OP has treated all three the same over the years, it's not always the step-mother's fault, some step children as they get older can become knowingly very manipulative.

Her dad didn’t leave her mum. Her mum left DH when she was pregnant to be with someone else. I knew DH through work and we started dating about a year later.

Uh huh. There seems to be a recurring theme on MN where a step-parent posts about a difficult child, it ends up coming out (usually by basic maths) that they actually got with their partner when the children were babies / toddlers, but then as soon as it's questioned, the response is that the ex left the bloke for someone else and they definitely weren't the OW.

I mean, I'm not doubting it ever happens but the chances of a woman randomly leaving their husbands / partners when they're pregnant / have just had a baby are pretty fucking slim! Yet on MN it seems to happen regularly!

I don’t have any personal stake in this situation at all, so neither care no not care about OP or her blended family members so it's a little unusual to accuse me of not caring.

OP is somewhat reductive in how she describes her 3 step daughters making strong judgements about the children in her care. Calling a 12-year-old dominant comes across like step mother sees this young child as competing for control in the family hierarchy, which is a really strange angle.

'She’s extroverted, dominant and wants to have her own way' sounds very much like a normal confident 12 year old. Surely better for the girl than being withdrawn and submissive. At 12, children are still learning social skills, self-control and how to express themselves.

Praising a kid’s normal behaviour ('good girl') is now a dig at step mums (plural)? That’s a new one.

Praising a girl as a good girl for dominating her sisters and getting her own way over them is bizarre, to say the least.

Thanks to the posters who’ve posted their insight. I’m not going to throw money at her to try to make her like or respect me more. I’m also not going to insist she undergoes neurodiversity testing when she, her school and her parents don’t believe she has it!

I’ll carry on doing what I’m doing which is treating her the same as her siblings, being polite and consistent, and hope she grows up nicer!

Dominant is a perfectly valid personality adjective.

My sister was dominant over me throughout our childhoods and my parents didn't correct her behaviour, which means that that me and my sister have a strained relationship even now, mostly because she still thinks she should be able to be dominant and get her own way even now.

You are talking about something you seem to have very little insight into.

Agreed

Or a daughter in competition with her step mum I think you’ll find 🙄

Oh come on. Youre actually saying that you've now discussed this with your stepdaughter, her parents and the school? when on a post a few minutes ago you had a complete lack of understanding as to what adhd was. Yes OK 🤣. You just carry on doing what you're doing. Seems like thats working really well for everyone involved. Poor kid

If you’ve been together since she was four and you got together a year after her parents split, how long had you been together when you first met her? Was it pretty much immediately? To me it sounds like you perhaps rushed things back then and that she’s always felt she had to share her father with you.

Her mother’s negativity towards you is neither here nor there, we only have your side of things so don’t know how unjust that actually may be. The fact is, when you met him he literally had a baby… Did something inside you not think that situation was a little odd and that down the line, things may get complicated?

I'm sorry, OP, I should know better than to make assumptions 🤦‍♀️
So SCs mum left their dad, that does make a difference. But could still be easier to blame him than her mum, depending on what kind of relationship SD12 has with her mum.

Your DH definitely needs to try harder to get the discipline right. It's not fair or healthy to the others to have SD12 ruling the roost all the time. Eventually resentment will build, and a whole new set of problems will develop.

It really needs sorting before the avalanche of hormones hits...

Cannot understand why on here, everything is always someones fault.

Things can absolutely just happen, and sometimes it goes shit, with all the good will in the world.

Sounds like op has tried a lot. Maybe a few lessons on how we can't just have a tantrum when we don't get whatever we want. It's a good lesson to learn. She's old enough to know this now. Especially as her siblings are changing what they want to do to avoid a tantrum - that's manipulating other people to get her own outcome. Completely unreasonable.

She absolutely cannot rule the roost. Sending hugs, op x

What a weird response. OP likely has talked to her husband about this previously and he’s passed on there views to OP. Why would you assume she talked to the school? I doubt OP attends parents evenings

Nope. Strong, independent women are not raised as selfish manipulators. They are raised to see fairness, equality and knowing everyone has their worth.

I fully support raising daughters that do not put up with being treated like a doormat. However, daughters that treat the rest of their family like a doormat need reining in.

she sounds like a kid behaving like some kids do, she’s not high on crack or setting fire to the sofa, I'm sure theres a lot you can do to create a more positive, warm, nurturing environment. She sounds like an unhappy or insecure child who needs more regular 1:1 quality time with her dad and also some quality 1:1 time with yourself. You could opt to build the relationship with a little thought, like an adult.

Her siblings will get well & truly pissed off with her the older they get, and that will probably rebound on their father. Hope he's prepared for that.

I'm sorry to hear that you had a hard time with your sister, thats a shame.