I find SD12 increasingly unpleasant

[ClaytonC]

… And I don’t know what I can do about it.

I’ve known these kids for eight years. I’ve always gelled with SD13 (sweet, creative, slightly awkward) and SS9 (funny, sporty, loving). SD12 has always been the one I’ve had the least in common with. She’s extroverted, dominant and wants to have her own way.

AIBU: I should make more of an effort to bond with her
AINBU: it’s okay not to like everyone, just remain polite and keep distance when possible

It’s on the parents, not stepparents

If they acknowledged that, then they would also have to consider that maybe, just maybe OP isn’t the wicked , evil stepmother. And we can’t have that now, can we?

You ARE the adult here.
Somehow you have got to dig deep and find some common ground with her.

I’m not saying it’s easy, but put yourself in her shoes and also think back to when you were her age, and think about what might work.

She’s only 12, so don’t write her off. These years are so important. Be a good solid and kind example to her.

Kids change so much and one day you will be proud of the woman she has become. You can do it (even if sometimes you’re seething inside). Good luck.

I did wonder if OPs DSD had some neurodivergence. It’s often missed in girls as they blend in at school but act out in home settings.

How is she with her DM OP? I know you said you and her DM don’t communicate much but it may be time to start. Does your DP and she have a decent co-parenting relationship?

If it’s not neurodivergence there’s obviously something going on. There’s usually a reason for kids acting out, it’s rare they’re just plain ghastly 😉

It's the girl who's rejecting OP, rather than the other way round.

She's a child who had no say whatsoever in OP's involvement in her life. She's not obliged to accept her.

Why do so many people expect children to act not only like adults, but extremely emotionally mature and selfless, biddable adults?

All you can do is keep trying with her. You are human, she is human you both have flaws and you don’t get along.

She is never going to live her life according to your rules but no matter how she chooses to live you are allowed a degree of peace and calm in your life.

Just consciously try to be nice to her even when she is being a brat and then allow that she might not be particularly nice back but you can at least be at peace with yourself. You don’t have to go out of your way but by being nice at least your conscience is clear.

How do you know? Plenty of crappy, entitled, selfish, spoilt adults walking around. They didn’t just become like that after their 18th birthday.

She’s extroverted, dominant and wants to have her own way.
Good girl

YABU

In my experience, working in a school rather than as a parent, many teenage girls are low-level horrible for years, particularly to the people they love and trust, and then suddenly and unexpectedly turn into charming, co-operative and lovable young women. All you can do is ride it out and be prepared to speak your mind occasionally.

Little boys turn into cave trolls for a year or two, eating huge quantities of food and communicating only in grunts, then turn into lovely and lovable young men.

Confusingly, strangers often speak glowingly of both sorts, comparing them favourably to their own young (who you in turn may think are delightful).

Adolescence, puberty, hormones etc etc, and very unfair to women who are going through their own hormonal challenges at the same time. Mother nature is a cow at times.

I have RTFT and what's missing is DH's response to DSD12 when she disrupts movies, asks OP and her family for money, tries to monopolise his attention by climbing on his lap etc

It's his response that is key. If she suffers no consequences, but gets her own way and the majority of whatever time he can give individually to his children , then of course she will continue to do what she's doing. Because it works, it gets her what she wants.

As for her not replying to her dad's messages when she's at her mum's - I think that's her trying to establish control over their relationship when in reality she has very little.

I think it does all come down to attachment issues.
In her eyes, her dad left her when she was 4. He chose you instead of staying with her. She simultaneously wants to punish him for that, and have him to herself as much as she can.

I'd also be interested in her relationship with her siblings. How do they react when she talks through a movie they chose? When she pushes them aside to sit on his lap? When she chooses the outing, again... And how does DF handle that?

I wonder if her siblings feel the same way. Or do they not matter?

I think that's her trying to establish control over their relationship when in reality she has very little.
I think it does all come down to attachment issues.
In her eyes, her dad left her when she was 4. He chose you instead of staying with her. She simultaneously wants to punish him for that, and have him to herself as much as she can.

This. She needs compassion, not criticism.

An awful lot of what you’re describing is very average behaviour for teenagers. They can be very difficult even without the added complexity of the blended family.
Most teens (including my own and we live in the same house 100% of the time) leave their parents on ‘read’ and don’t answer messages. It’s irritating but not unique to your situation.

We all want to raise strong independent daughters.

But SD12 is not the only daughter in this family. SD13 seems to get shouted down, physically pushed aside etc by SD12, and that's not right.
Neither is it right or fair for SS to not get much individual time with his dad.
And they both suffer when SD12 sabotages any outing or activity that's not her choice.
That's neither fair nor sustainable.

It does sound like a very difficult situation op. it's obvious to me that you care a great deal about all of the children, but it's hard to bond with someone who doesn't want to know you. I think people saying that you are favouring the others or damaging the middle girl are being unfair. Parenting teenagers is difficult at the best of times without adding in the complex layer of them not being biologically yours. Having said that I don't think you should distance yourself from her no.She needs to know that you are going to consistently keep trying with her even when she is being unpleasant. You say she is confident but I'm not buying that she is giving away her insecurity surrounding you and her dad by her behaviour. You and her dad need to be on the same page with everything. Are you ? Does he let her away with things that you dont ? I also find it interesting that you say her mother doesn't rate you. If she is hearing her mother putting you down at home of course that will reflect on her attitude and behaviour towards you, she is a child and will be heavily influenced by other adults in her life and their opinions. I know it's hard but keep doing what you are doing, keep including her, keep suggesting time with her while also allowing her space. I think you are in for a rough time as she navigates the teenage years but eventually I hope that she will mature and realize that you arent the bad guy.

I feel sorry for her. Did her parents split long before you two got together? Just thinking if she was only four when you met her, how long had you been with her dad before being introduced? Especially since she isn’t the youngest, I’m picturing a quick turn around between relationships.

I’m not saying her behaviour is acceptable in any way but she’s clearly insecure and struggling. Maybe her dad should have put them all first and not jumped headfirst into the relationship with you so quickly.

Well that's changing the tenor of the OP and basis for the thread into an entirely different thread. The siblings aren't the focus of the original post .

The original post focused on how OP is impacted - no mention of impact on the siblings - and whether she needs to keep bothering or not. The siblings being impacted was not mentioned until, by the by, in later posts.

Had the thread topic been "do the other siblings matter?" people might be answering differently.

The child is 12 and you speak about her as if she is an adult woman competing for the attention of your DH. She is clearly struggling here and needs some help. What is the problem really of doing something with her she enjoyed that cost a bit of money instead of a free dog walk? It was clearly something she enjoyed doing with you. I take it it was something like go shopping, get afternoon tea, get nails done rather than demanding a weekend on a yacht in Antibes. You've stopped doing these activities with her yet carried on the activities the other 2 kids enjoy which must be hurtful. Shes 12, not some money grabbing adult.

BTW most of the behaviour you describe such as inability to focus through a movie, heightened emotional responses and rejection dysphoria are classic ADHD symptoms. 12 is the age that the symptoms become more noticeable and they start to need more help. Masking can be exhausting. You might want to read up about it and start the ball rolling for diagnosis if you think the symptoms fit as its not going to resolve by itself!

Her dad didn’t leave her mum. Her mum left DH when she was pregnant to be with someone else. I knew DH through work and we started dating about a year later.

DH’s responses aren’t great but he tries. Often we found that if he corrects her behaviour in public or in front of me and other SC, she’ll cause a scene and other SC will acquiesce. I get the impression she rules the roost at her mum’s house. For example, if we’re out and we all fancy a pizzeria but she wants Thai, she’ll cry and other SC will say they want Thai too. If we insist on the pizzeria, she’ll be in silent tears the whole time. If DH takes her home, she’s instantly happy because she gets to be alone with him. If we all go home, SC are being indirectly punished.

We thought him correcting her behaviour in private might be better but to be honest I don’t think it’s making much difference. Apparently she is receptive and apologetic but I can’t see any shift in behaviour.

She’s fully capable of sitting through a film she chose. I used to take her when I went to town or to the shop, but each trip was costing me £50-100 extra because she needed something. So I started saying no, and now she chooses not to come with me. I don’t mind picking up the occasional treat or item, but I don’t want to be being fleeced every time I go to Tesco for a pint of milk.

DH’s responses aren’t great but he tries

He is her parent, he should do a lot more than try.

Yeah she's a pain op. But what do you want us to say? Kids often are - especially at that age.

It's a bit like acquiring a dog and complaining that it poos.

This.

She's an attention seeking teen, currently testing the waters to see what she can get away with.

He is your problem.

How often do you have her

You have a DH problem. He is tiptoeing around his most dominant child to the detriment of the others.

If he refuses to tackle it, I don’t think there’s anything you can do, other than put up with her behaviour or leave.

I would probably leave as I would have lost respect for him.