I find SD12 increasingly unpleasant

[ClaytonC]

… And I don’t know what I can do about it.

I’ve known these kids for eight years. I’ve always gelled with SD13 (sweet, creative, slightly awkward) and SS9 (funny, sporty, loving). SD12 has always been the one I’ve had the least in common with. She’s extroverted, dominant and wants to have her own way.

AIBU: I should make more of an effort to bond with her
AINBU: it’s okay not to like everyone, just remain polite and keep distance when possible

Are you serious??

Agree. She's only 12 for gods sake, still a child.

And you struggle to get on with a 4 yr old child as an adult? Probably should have left the relationship 8ish years ago. Poor kid.

It’s not her, it’s you.

I agree which is why I’d rather remove myself from the situation!

She’s not just in competition with me but with her siblings too.

No, as a four year old she was fine. She has always wanted attention and been dramatic but it was age appropriate.

As they’ve aged, the other SC and I have developed shared interests and bonds. With SD12, she used to like spending one-to-one time with me too, but I realised when she was about 10 that this didn’t relate to an interest, but to me spending money on her. I cut back on that and suggested cheaper activities instead (like I do with the others) and since then, she’s not interested in being with me at all.

She is desperately seeking attention - does she get much one-on-one time with her dad?

I do think that in these circumstances you have to keep trying OP. I realise it's hard but you can't treat her differently from her siblings, that's not right.

She sounds very insecure and unhappy. Does she ever get one-on-one time with her dad? You talk any you spending time/money on her but don’t say anything about her actual parent and what effort he makes.

She's a very unhappy girl. Probably misses her dad when not with him. Is jealous because you are in his life the whole time, wants to punish you as she holds you responsible for her parents not being together ( whether that's correct or not is immaterial, she probably hopes it's going to happen). It's why she sits on dad's lap, makes a fuss about everything and annoys people. She feels that she does not matter. It might not be rational, but she's a child.
BTW I sat on my dad's lap, or snuggled next to him until he died. I was 32 when that happened. I loved my dad very much and had aways done that. I find that usual. If she does it when you are holding hands with her dad it's because she feels unwanted.
Edited to add, I also had a stepmother who realised that I was traumatised by my mother's sudden death and was mature enough to make allowances for me. We got on fine.

Everything you’ve said suggests she has attachment difficulties, likely attachment trauma from her parents splitting up and both her parents failing to suitably support her. What do her parents do to help her form positive attachments?

She gets more one-to-one time with him than her siblings. If DH and I do different things, she will always opt to be with him and the others with me.

What I find weird is that when she’s at her mum’s, she regularly ignores his messages and calls.

She's punishing him because her parents aren't together. She wants him back with her mother. It's really that simple.

You come across as very unpleasant

I think that's at least in part about disliking how you are with her

Outrageous? You must live a very sheltered, highly controlled life!

Yes it is behaviour that needs to be corrected by a parent - but it’s not outrageous- she isn’t torturing small animals or telling wild lies to social services.

I have an SD who was like this, also got more one on one time that any other SDC, but it was never enough. Tried everything, love bombing, ignoring the difficult behaviour, asking her if anything was wrong, offering even more one on one time. Nothing worked. I ended up disengaging eventually, made plans when they were round etc.

FWIW she is the same as an adult, and the school flagged her as ADHD due to disruptive behaviour at around 16.

It’s not always just the blended family causing the issue.

I would say build as happy a home life, despite her, as you can -for your sake and the poor siblings. We regularly read of adult DCs being similarly selfish. Fingers crossed she changes but she may not -you have 2happy DSCs enjoy them.

Reported. Unnecessary attack.

That is achild who is screaming out about her unhappiness and one who is picking up your animosity towards her.
You need to treat all 3 children the same regardless of how you feel about them if you can't then you need to leave her dad asap.
The fact that you think its acceptable or appropriate to gray rock a 12 year old because you haven't gelled with her, whilst still being close to her siblings proves that you shouldn't be a stepmother and is most likely the cause of her behaviour.
I really don't understand how you can think that its acceptable to create a black sheep and treat her differently than her siblings because quite frankly its disgusting behaviour from you.
You are destroying this poor child all because you dont like her she's 12 ffs be a decent person and leave before you do anymore damage with your favouritism and exclusionary attitude and behaviour

Sounds like you have a DH problem. If she is talking during a movie, she should be sent to her room.

If she is monopolising him, he needs to manage his time better, his other 2 DDs won't appreciate being sidelined all the time.

Have you had a conversation with him?

Destroying a child by not giving into her demands for expensive treats all the time?

Now I've heard it all.

It's a difficult age, and probably more difficult for her having separated parents and two homes with different rules. For the AIBU, I do think the answer is- YABU- make more effort to bond with her because she is your step child, not some random neighbourhood kid.

I agree that she is crying out for attention and took the separation badly. Has your DH looked into counselling for her?

Also based on your points it sounds like he needs to be firmer with her and set clear boundaries. I am guessing he gives mixed messages sometimes responding to her demands and other times rejecting her which feeds into this behaviour as he is unpredictable.

1. Who else in the family does she ask money from? Is it her own mum?

As others have said, this should be about agreed boundaries. E.g you get £20 per month and your phone bill paid. If you have spent your money then no more is available. 2 and 3. How yours your husband respond when she gets involved in any disagreements? What does he do if she sits on his lap?

1. Again DH needs to enforce rules. Daughter if you are not interested in the film and are going to continue to talk over it you must leave the room. Your choice. If needs to then ensure she does leave OR if she continues to be brattish remove everyone else from the room and say they will return to it later, and do something else nice with them e.g. let's make hot chocolates and see whether we can watch the film in a minute
2. Again does he give in if she cries? He needs to ignore this tactic. If he knows she is crying for attention (that has been given or is unrealistic like sitting on his lap) then it needs to be ignored. Daughter I cannot talk to you while you are making this fuss. I will talk to you when you stop crying and calm down.

Actually I just live a life where I parent properly and expect my DC to grow up to be good people. I would never accept this behaviour from my DC and they’d never behave like this despite, god forbid, them having divorced parents