Boyfriend and his priorities..

[backtoplana]

AIBU?

My boyfriend and I moved to a different country a year ago, and due to trying to sort accommodation, jobs, visas etc, I’ve found it really hard to make friends here and am actively trying to branch out and meet new people.. but right now my boyfriend is the only person I have here and so I am not currently filling my ‘spare time’ with any girlfriends.

For the next month, we have been given reduced working hours so both of us are due to finish our jobs at 3pm instead of 5pm. I had asked him recently what we should do with our afternoons, and he told me he’s not leaving the office early and he’s going to stay there to continue working until the usual finish time.

I asked him why and he said he is trying to continue his learning and up spilling - which i understand and its commendable - but this is where I struggle to control my disappointment…

every evening without fail he will go on an evening walk, usually takes around 2 hours whilst I’m at home cooking dinner, cleaning, tidying up - and he often doesn’t get home until 7-7.30pm at the earliest.

EVERY. Single. Night.

I have tried several times to explain that I struggle with the fact we don’t really have any time together, he seems to prioritise work and the things that makes him happy whilst I stay home and make sure things actually get done - I always have his clothes clean, dinner on the table when he returns…

He says I’m being controlling and I should accept that he wants to spend his time his own way.

out of interest I asked him what the situation would be if in the future we had children.. would he still stay late at work when he doesn’t have to, go on his evening walks etc? He replied ‘yes of course I will do the things I want to do’ so I’m feeling really torn.

I am just sad that he doesn’t seem to prioritise or value me.

Am I being unreasonable?

Yes you are being utterly unreasonable. Allowing yourself to be treated as an inconvenient skivvy to a misogynistic prick and not leaving? Yes totally unreasonable to stay and put up with that sort of shit I’m afraid

I echo the previous post. Yes you are being utterly unreasonable. Allowing yourself to be treated as an inconvenient skivvy to a misogynistic prick

Your his maid not his partner.

Why is it your responsibility to be cooking dinner, cleaning, tidying up while he gets to go for a walk and destress?

says I’m being controlling and I should accept that he wants to spend his time his own way.

Please note that spending his time his own way DOESNT INVOLVE YOU. hes telling you everything; listen to him.

You're not being unreasonable. He sounds like he's having his cake and eating it. I'm also sorry to say but it sounds like he's happy with how things are and has no intention of changing things - do you want to be in the same position in 2, 5, 10 years?

Two hour walk every night while you stay home cleaning.
are you sure he is walking?

I certainly wouldn’t be putting up with such an imbalance on the chores. He is taking advantage of you

Where did you move to and do you do the same job? You sound quite young - had you been together long before the move? Did he know anyone in the country before you moved there?

Sorry, I’ve realised how many typos there are in my post. I was writing in a bit of a fluster and im just feeling really sad.

I didn’t know anyone here when we moved and I still don’t have any friends here, I’ve not had the time to meet anyone. He did know a few people here but they live further out.

When they show you who they are, believe them.

He is showing you on a cinema screen who he is. Believe him.

Prepare to separate. It’s all you have left.

I'd stop doing his cleaning and making his meals for starters.
Then I'd look at splitting up.
Where is he going every night ?!!

Have you asked him if you can join him on his walk? If so, what was his response?

Until I got to the part about your evenings and how he goes for walks whilst you act as the housekeeper, I thought you were being unreasonable. But after that bit, I have to ask, what do you actually get from him.

Yes he’s offered for me to come before but if I did nothing would be done at home, we wouldn’t end up eating until late and the whole evening is gone.

Why on earth are you doing all the house chores for him? Stop. He doesn't appreciate you or value the work you put into the relationship. At least he's being honest that having a child would not change his life one bit. This is not a relationship I'd be continuing.

2 hour walks every evening is odd - I’d also wonder where he was going. What do you do with your weekends?

Hes an adult. He knows this. He isnt stupid. Hes deciding that he isnt doing it, because you will.

Go out yourself in the evening, join some local club to make some friends. He doesn't seem to even want to be around you

We are always together on the weekend but when I try to make nice plans he complains, says I’m taking up his time when all he wants to do is stay home and continue his ‘up skiling’ and he says all I want to do is spend money.

It is not like that at all, I’m just so desperate to get out of our area and spend some quality with him.

When does he do his 50% of the cleaning, cooking, tidying up?
Presumably you could go on the walks with him every evening? Or go off and do your own thing, classes etc?
But honestly, his response to you tells me he is selfish and unwilling or unable to meet you halfway, and that's unlikely to change. I would be planning my next steps without him.

Firstly stop cooking and cleaning for him.

Why can't you go on these walks with him, at least sometimes? Sounds a bit suspicious.

He sounds like a prick. But you really do need to try and branch out and make new friends. Just join a bunch of groups or hobbies and if he doesn't want to join in he can't stop you wanting to have a life.

You need to stop doing everything! He’s taking advantage and you are letting him.

gi for the walk with him and when he asks about dinner play dumb and make yourself a sandwich

can you join some sort of club where you could meet people and get out the house when he is on his long walks?

You are being taken for a ride. Clearly he doesn't want to spend time with you. But you are a great housekeeper with extra benefits.

Sorry to be blunt but a 2 hour walk, every night my arse. He's going to meet friends, going for a pint or even a coffee rather than go home.

What does he do for a living g that requires all this independent upskilling?

I agree with others, he sees you as his housekeeper. I would eat and then go off out for a walk of my own. No dinner left for him, he does his own. Same with washing. Do yours but leave his in the basket.
I don't think this sounds like a great relationship and he is already saying he wouldn't change if you had kids so I think you need to consider your options of staying in the new country or returning home.

How old are you OP? What the heck are you doing all those chores for?? Honestly stop right now. He's a grown man, he can do his own cooking/cleaning/laundry. He is not going to appreciate it!

Seriously have a rethink about this relationship
He obviously doesn't have you high on his list of priorities.

First post nails it.

Don't plan a long term future with him, and DON'T have any children! He doesn't want you as an equal partner. At least he's made that plain.