Boyfriend and his priorities..

[backtoplana]

AIBU?

My boyfriend and I moved to a different country a year ago, and due to trying to sort accommodation, jobs, visas etc, I’ve found it really hard to make friends here and am actively trying to branch out and meet new people.. but right now my boyfriend is the only person I have here and so I am not currently filling my ‘spare time’ with any girlfriends.

For the next month, we have been given reduced working hours so both of us are due to finish our jobs at 3pm instead of 5pm. I had asked him recently what we should do with our afternoons, and he told me he’s not leaving the office early and he’s going to stay there to continue working until the usual finish time.

I asked him why and he said he is trying to continue his learning and up spilling - which i understand and its commendable - but this is where I struggle to control my disappointment…

every evening without fail he will go on an evening walk, usually takes around 2 hours whilst I’m at home cooking dinner, cleaning, tidying up - and he often doesn’t get home until 7-7.30pm at the earliest.

EVERY. Single. Night.

I have tried several times to explain that I struggle with the fact we don’t really have any time together, he seems to prioritise work and the things that makes him happy whilst I stay home and make sure things actually get done - I always have his clothes clean, dinner on the table when he returns…

He says I’m being controlling and I should accept that he wants to spend his time his own way.

out of interest I asked him what the situation would be if in the future we had children.. would he still stay late at work when he doesn’t have to, go on his evening walks etc? He replied ‘yes of course I will do the things I want to do’ so I’m feeling really torn.

I am just sad that he doesn’t seem to prioritise or value me.

Am I being unreasonable?

@backtoplana Can you work from home in the UK?
Speak to your parents about moving back home whilst you get sorted. Then book a week of annual leave, pack up & ship your stuff to parents & leave.

He is not treating you as an equal partner. If you are on his priority list, it's at the bottom.

You are young. You deserve more. You can start over. Raise your bar above the ground next time & get with someone who treats you right.

He's a selfish man who has told you he's going to continue to be selfish. Why are you compromising yourself to be with him? You have no reason to stay, no life outside work and no friends in that country. You need to end the relationship and go home, learn to drive and start living your life for you.

You “have his clothes clean”?? JFC. 🤦‍♀️ why are you behaving like a skivvy for this guy?

This

so some thoughts: firstly what the hell are you doing, doing all the housework? Why? Does his penis get in the way of the cleaning cloth? Stop it!

• Make a sandwich and then shortly before he is likely to get home go out for a walk for 2 hrs and eat out. Any criticism: ‘stop trying to control me’
• Look for a place closer to town and move out. State you can’t cope working from home all day and having no human interaction. Any complaints: ‘stop trying to control me’. Tell him he is welcome to visit you for dates (but not to move in until he learns to pull his weight at home, you are not his servant)
• or tbh, move to wherever you came from / wherever you want to live without considering him. He couldn’t tell you any more plainly that he is not good relationship material. He is honestly not worth it. I don’t see what on earth is in it for you.

Just leave OP and return wherever your family and friends are.

I'm sorry but you're being taken for a mug OP. Cook, laundry maid, cleaner, uprooted yourself to facilitate his job and he doesn't even want to spend his free time with you. You're worth more than this. It's great you can work from anywhere - cut your losses while you can.

Are you on his sponsorship? I'm guessing not as you're not married.

Don’t be a doormat……you get one life…..do you want to spend yours living as a skivvy?

It’s time to leave him

you are not the skivvy , other men will respect you - and like spending time with you

Why don't you go on the walk with him and you both cook, tidy, etc when you get back. A walk would be together time and relaxing after work. Unless you think he's up to no good when he's supposed to be walking.

@backtoplana Why are you doing all the cooking and laundry?

At the very least if you keep doing the cooking prep some easy meals at the start of the week so that you can go in a walk with him 2-3 times a week.

Stop doing his laundry - make a chore list and split the load.

Find something local you can do for yourself.

Perhaps you should go for a walk, and forget the rest. When he has no dinner, it may sink in.

every evening without fail he will go on an evening walk, usually takes around 2 hours whilst I’m at home cooking dinner, cleaning, tidying up - and he often doesn’t get home until 7-7.30pm at the earliest.

Why are you allowing this abuse?

Just move back to where your friends are, your job doesn't sound safe anyway and sure as hell he's no loss!

Just as well he's only your boyfriend! Easy to leave and start again elsewhere. This is why older women were often in favour of couples living together before marriage. Can you imagine if you'd married him, you'd be stuck with him!

The first thing to do is find things outside of the house to entertain yourself. I' m guessing you're in Saudi or similar when Ramadan working hours seem to be 9-3. Obviously coffee shops during the day aren't going to be possible but gyms are open, from around 2pm until 3ish the next morning so that could be your first thing.
Most cities/towns will have a facebook/WhatsApp group for expats, possibly women only groups, Telegram also seems popular for various activity groups. Is there an animal rescue centre where you are? I started going to mine before Xmas (never been a massive animal lover before) and not only have I met new people but the dogs help keep me sane.
I do wonder why you're doing all the cooking and cleaning etc? Has he implied you should or have you just decided to do it?
Moving to new country is always challenging but there's always something to find out...a new coffee shop to find, a new place to walk. Make the most of this month when things are quieter to get out and explore as it'll be too hot in a couple of months.
I dint know what field your boyfriend is in but these overseas jobs are pretty competitive and he may still be in his probation period so trying to create a good impression...its difficult especially if its a 6 month period with the possibility of being let go with a days notice.
Just hang on in there... Ramadan is 1 month and then there'll be more going on.

sorry but I am team boyfriend.

Why are you martyring yourself? How much cleaning and cooking must you do EVERY SINGLE DAY?

You have different priorities. If you enjoy pottering around at home doing nothing or cleaning/ cooking, fair enough. You can't expect other people to feel the same way and you can't complain about their priorities.

No way would I have stayed home any evening of the week before I had children. He offered for you to come with, and you said you refused?

It's very unfair to expect him to stay home to do unnecessary cleaning (unless you are a child minder or a dog trainer, how much cleaning can possibly be needed)
and "cooking" - you can make very quick meals from scratch and not waste your entire evening.

Maybe he's fed up that you prioritise cleaning and refuse to ever spend an evening with him?

where did you see it was abuse?

The OP wrote that the BF
Yes he’s offered for me to come before it's the OP who refused, not the BF who is forcing her to spend every day cleaning.

He says I’m being controlling
he's not wrong...

Get out now, come home, certainly don’t get married and for the love of god do not get pregnant!
He views you as the housekeeper, not someone worth his time or effort. Leave.
He clearly doesn’t care about you or your feelings, he only cares about himself, this will not get better!!! Again you need to leave.

Do you get the feeling he doesn't want to spend time with you? He'd rather work till 5 'upskilling' then go for a walk for 2 hours when in reality he could get off at 3? Seems like he's actively avoiding you?

When he goes on his walk I'd get myself something to eat, and then go out for a few hours. Stop doing anything that benefits him & hopefully the trash will take itself out.
Or pack your stuff and leave when he's on his walk.

It'll only get worse when/if you get pregnant. Come home.

Either be a doormat and “do everything at home” or follow his lead and fill your afternoons after work with things for you. Join a gym. Go for your own walk. Whatever you like. Let him find out what life feels like without his dinner cooked and laundry done. And definitely don’t make any plans to embed your life any further with him or have children until he’s adjusted his behaviour - unless you want to be posting similar posts on here for several years that is. YOU MATTER. Your needs are just as important as his. It’s not his job to fill your time but it’s not your job to do all his housework and cooking.

You’d be amazed how much more appealing people are to others (including their own partners) when they have (or appear to have) their own life and interests as opposed to building their life around their partner. Don’t be in the latter camp. It does nothing for you, your interests, or your needs.

Why do you think it’s your responsibility to clean his clothes and put his dinner on the table - yoire not his mother or housekeeper

But if you don’t start cooking til 7.30pm, then by the it’s ready, you’ve eaten, cleared away etc then you haven’t got much evening left? Even without children.

Why is there so much cooking and cleaning to do for only 2 of you? Why aren't you having any fun? If you finish work at 3pm I dont understand why you can't do any chores you think necessary (leaving him his fair share), take an hour for yourself and still meet him for a couple of hours. Dinner can be thrown together in 15 mins if pasta/noodles/rice/salads (both of you cooking) or you could prepare it after work before going out.