Boyfriend and his priorities..

[backtoplana]

AIBU?

My boyfriend and I moved to a different country a year ago, and due to trying to sort accommodation, jobs, visas etc, I’ve found it really hard to make friends here and am actively trying to branch out and meet new people.. but right now my boyfriend is the only person I have here and so I am not currently filling my ‘spare time’ with any girlfriends.

For the next month, we have been given reduced working hours so both of us are due to finish our jobs at 3pm instead of 5pm. I had asked him recently what we should do with our afternoons, and he told me he’s not leaving the office early and he’s going to stay there to continue working until the usual finish time.

I asked him why and he said he is trying to continue his learning and up spilling - which i understand and its commendable - but this is where I struggle to control my disappointment…

every evening without fail he will go on an evening walk, usually takes around 2 hours whilst I’m at home cooking dinner, cleaning, tidying up - and he often doesn’t get home until 7-7.30pm at the earliest.

EVERY. Single. Night.

I have tried several times to explain that I struggle with the fact we don’t really have any time together, he seems to prioritise work and the things that makes him happy whilst I stay home and make sure things actually get done - I always have his clothes clean, dinner on the table when he returns…

He says I’m being controlling and I should accept that he wants to spend his time his own way.

out of interest I asked him what the situation would be if in the future we had children.. would he still stay late at work when he doesn’t have to, go on his evening walks etc? He replied ‘yes of course I will do the things I want to do’ so I’m feeling really torn.

I am just sad that he doesn’t seem to prioritise or value me.

Am I being unreasonable?

I can't work out if you're a troll or if this is real. You're being used as an unpaid housekeeper. Why on earth are you with him?

Leave him. Go back to your friends and family in your original country and move on with your life.

what on earth do you cook that starting at 7:30 means giving up your entire evening?

Do people actually go home and have no life because they're "cooking" and "cleaning"?

You give up your evenings when you have to deal with pick-ups, homework, kids diner, bath time, a bit of family time - fair enough for the kids, last-minute stupid school project, bed time.. It's a choice to have them.

But remove the children? You are free unless you have work to do, who is wasting all this time with chores?

This...

Where is the future in this relationship?

He doesn't want to spend quality time with you and complains about money when you suggest activities...

He has no sympathy for you upping sticks to join him in another country. He has openly told you that he doesn't care that his constant absence leaves you sad and lonely and says he would continue with this behaviour if you had children, when you'd really be tied to him.

He is not prepared to make any changes to accomodate your wishes at all. And he expects you to just put up with this, whilst keeping house, cooking and having sex with him.
The only quality he seems to exhibit is that he's a good walker.

Think about your future?

What a truly joyless man! Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't prioritise you? Why are you doing all the housework? Why did you agree to be in the middle of nowhere when you don't drive? Like you said yourself, it is you who has made all the compromises that's not a relationship its like a boss and a worker. Slave owner and slave. He has made all the choices. Did you even want to move to another country?

Going out for hours, planning to not get home any earlier... it sounds very much like him not wanting to spend time with you

If having a family is important to you, I'd consider whether you want to stay with this man. You'd effectively be a single parent as he'd be off doing his own thing all the time.

It's not controlling to expect your partner to take his turn doing the cooking and not leave everything to you, so he can go off and do his own thing every evening. If he was pulling his weight in the relationship and you told him you didn't want him spending any time with his friends, then that would be controlling.

Oh FFS, why are you doing this? You can work from anywhere, and he persuaded you to move to somewhere that you are isolated, has got you doing all the drudgework whilst he, Mr Inflexible, does what he wants when he wants. And, he's told you in plain terms that he will not change, even if you had children.

Just leave. He doesn't give a rats arse for you the person, but he does find you the skivvy and you the fuckhole mighty useful. The only person being controlling here is HIM.

Leave.

Ugh. Get rid of him because it won’t get any better. Do NOT have kids with him.

You don't seem suited and you need to grow a backbone for your next relationship.

Why do you need to clean for hours every night? And cook? Are you cooking Beef Wellington on the nightly?

Well at least now you know what your future with him would look like. He has done what most selfish men dont do, and has told you upfront that he will always put himself first. Most of them future fake that they will of course be different when the kids come along, and then they are just the same (and often worse).

So its up to you.

You have all the information you need. You know for a fact that he is selfish, acknowledges his selfishness and has no plans to change. You know that your needs will always come second to his wants. You know that any child/ren would also come second to him and his wants.

What you do with that information is up to you, but I know what I would be doing.

You are not among his list of priorities. You're not even on the list.

Well - not until he needs food, or clean clothes, or sex. You provide him with those, and he's sitting pretty, isn't he?

OP - I think the fact that he thought about leaving you when you're clearly letting him do what he wants but he's not taking what you want into consideration speaks volumes! If you want to stay where you are and stick it out, then you need to find somewhere to live that isn't so remote. If you're able to find your job (previous role or current job) back home then I would look into this option. Your DP's attitude and viewpoint towards you will not change.

he doesn’t want to be with you unless you’re doing what he wants. hes selfish. and ignorant. he doesn’t love you.

time to leave. you cannot fix this. hes not the one.

what did the OP suggest they do in the evening?

I don't know anyone who would be happy just going home at 5pm and do nothing, or just "chores". Most people work a lot later than that anyway.

Fair enough if the OP doesn't love the "walks", but what has she suggested instead?

I love that not wanting to sit all day at work and then spend all evening cleaning is called "selfish and ignorant" for you 😂

No, I’m not a troll.

I have considered coming home many times however we actually moved abroad from a different European country together due to my job moving overseas. He joined a new company once here, so he says he’s trying to up skill and learn more to grow, which I totally understand and support.

I don’t go on the walks because I have a physical condition that makes long walks really difficult for me. He knows this, of course.

I often suggest game nights or going to the cinema, a nice meal elsewhere or even just sitting at the beach (taxi needed) but he never seems to want to.

I am realising I’m probably not on his list of priorities at all. Children are important to me and I’m getting older.

Do not marry this man!

Leave now, if he cares this little about you now, I dread to think what he will be like in 5 years. Run!

Please don't have a child with this man, cut your losses, move somewhere more central and build yourself up. Stop doing things for him when he is not prioritising you.

This. But you seem unconcerned about this OP.

See the update on this boyfriend inviting her on walks that he knows she can't do.

The update is no surprise to me from what she had already written, but it might be to you.

You need to leave him. You know this. You are worth so much more than what he is offering.

Stop cooking his dinner and cleaning his clothes. Spend your own time doing things for YOU - if he says anything he is controlling.

Oh, and RUN

Can you just come home? Could you literally just pack and get a flight back to your parents or something?

If there's one thing you take from this thread, please, please, please, let it be that you should not have children with this man, it will be the biggest mistake of your life. And especially don't have them abroad, where you'll then be stuck if he doesn't give permission for you to come home with the baby.

If you have a child with this abusive arsehole, then depending on exactly where you are, The Hague Convention may well apply.

This will mean he can stop you from leaving the country with any children until they are grown up.

This is sunk cost fallacy. He’s not worth clinging onto.

If he's like this now, it'll be 100 x worse if you have children. He's shown you who he is!