Boyfriend and his priorities..

[backtoplana]

AIBU?

My boyfriend and I moved to a different country a year ago, and due to trying to sort accommodation, jobs, visas etc, I’ve found it really hard to make friends here and am actively trying to branch out and meet new people.. but right now my boyfriend is the only person I have here and so I am not currently filling my ‘spare time’ with any girlfriends.

For the next month, we have been given reduced working hours so both of us are due to finish our jobs at 3pm instead of 5pm. I had asked him recently what we should do with our afternoons, and he told me he’s not leaving the office early and he’s going to stay there to continue working until the usual finish time.

I asked him why and he said he is trying to continue his learning and up spilling - which i understand and its commendable - but this is where I struggle to control my disappointment…

every evening without fail he will go on an evening walk, usually takes around 2 hours whilst I’m at home cooking dinner, cleaning, tidying up - and he often doesn’t get home until 7-7.30pm at the earliest.

EVERY. Single. Night.

I have tried several times to explain that I struggle with the fact we don’t really have any time together, he seems to prioritise work and the things that makes him happy whilst I stay home and make sure things actually get done - I always have his clothes clean, dinner on the table when he returns…

He says I’m being controlling and I should accept that he wants to spend his time his own way.

out of interest I asked him what the situation would be if in the future we had children.. would he still stay late at work when he doesn’t have to, go on his evening walks etc? He replied ‘yes of course I will do the things I want to do’ so I’m feeling really torn.

I am just sad that he doesn’t seem to prioritise or value me.

Am I being unreasonable?

By saying that this lady is being unreasonable, I take it that you must be a man! His actions are completely selfish!

You are unreasonable to do so many domestic chores.
Only do your share.

You have two hours of time before your boyfriend comes home so do your own washing and cleaning, and make a meal that can be eaten while walking or can be easily eaten after the walk.
Go on the walks, every second night.

The other nights (every second night) leave your boyfriend to cook and plan the food. You go out to make friends while he is walking. Eat dinner with him later, or eat with your new friends.

That is fair. You should not bring inappropriate cultural practices to a new country. Your boyfriend and you need to embrace him doing domestic chores. It is as important as him upskilling at the work place. He will get better at them over time but he needs to start washing his clothes, cleaning the house, shopping for food and cooking meals etc.

Places where you can meet friends ..

Join a choir
Volunteer for a charity or church.
Learn a craft at a night class.
Participate in a community garden.
Go to the library and ask about local groups and what is available nearby at times that suit you.
Swim
Dance class
Book club

Soon you will know people and you can socialise with them sometimes and invite them for coffee.

Don't marry this man, don't have children with him.

He has shown you and told you clearly who he is and his selfish attitude won't change when/if you have children together. Better to suffer the short term pain of breaking up than the long term pain of having a family with this man where you will be unsupported and unappreciated while doing all the work.

Well, his priorities are pretty clear now, so the question is whether you're okay with that and whether you'd like to have the same arrangement in 5 or 10 years from now. He sounds as if he's completely fine with what you have now, so he has no intention to change it whatsoever. If you want any changes to happen, you need to act up on that.

I find this set up really odd. Why would you not stay out of the house the same amount of time he is out? Go for a walk, join a club, meet people. If "things are not done" - let it be his problem for a change?

You should have gone for a walk with him and then say you both do the chores. If he refuses to lift a finger around the house - well, I would leave.

Carry on with this and your life in a few years will look like this:

✔️Not working or reduced hours and financial independence as small child/children at home
✔️Therefore very few or even zero friends or social contacts for support - your isolation levels will increase as the mundanity of your life grows with it
✔️Every single day spent doing chores and childcare while he works late/walks/‘upskills’ - and you’ll likely find he gets home later and later as things get tougher at home.
✔️Then when you DO decide you’ve had enough, and want to leave, being trapped in a country for the rest of your life because you can’t take the children without his permission. Eventually, they grow up there and you still can’t leave because it’d mean leaving your grown up children behind.

Oh, and if any of your children have additional needs, then consider all of the above but potentially made even harder and more stressful and more isolating for you.

If that sounds like a satisfying and fulfilling life to you, crack on exactly as you are.

If you are going to ignore the nearly 100% of posters telling you here to get out, you’re not just unreasonable, you’re totally and utterly wasting the one life you get.

There’s no point in playing the martyr, you are choosing to do this-you could read a book, go to the gym but instead you cleaning and cooking

If I'm honest, I don't see how two child free adults have hours worth of chores each evening. I also don't think whatever chores tasks there are yours alone, so I would simply stop taking responsibility for it. I would do a chore, cooking rota or schedule to divide it more fairly. Then I would use your free time to do the things you want. Find a hobby to help you make friends.

If he refuses to take on any responsibilities then I would be looking at ending relationship as it would be clear he doesn't intend on being a partner and contributing equally to the relationship.

I’d go for a walk, that way you have the evening together, but then I also walk everyday. How much tidying is there to do if there’s only the two of you and you’re both working?

Well he sounds pretty miserable all told. He doesn’t want to spend time with you clearly, hence why he’s willing to stay at work for two unpaid hours rather than come home, why he goes on a 2 hour walk every evening leaving you alone and why he won’t do anything with you at the weekend either. Is he ever even nice to you? Why are you together when he spends most of his time avoiding you?

It’s commendable that he wants to upskill, if he said he wanted to do this now so he can cut back when you have children then I wouldn’t be bothered about the extra working hours.

Sorry to say this, but it sounds like he’s trying to spend as little time with you as possible. I love walking and my dh knows this but I wouldn’t do it every night for 2 hours, leaving him to sort the house.

He needs to compromise, you’re not controlling his life, you just want to feel part of it. If he isn’t willing to adjust his rigid schedule then you need to think about what you want in life. Will he change if you have children or will you be left to do it all? This is your chance to explore your new area together, get out and enjoy yourselves but he’s choosing to do it solo and leave you at home, I think that speaks volumes sadly.

Ok so you are physically disabled, you are isolated working from home in an area where you know nobody, and you are spending all your time outside work keeping the house clean, cooking meals and doing laundry for somebody who doesn’t even want to spend time with you.

You presumably pay half the bills, you also do all the housework and cooking, and you have sex with him. He is getting an incredible deal here.

Can you just go home? Do you have family you could go to temporarily? Or savings you could use to set yourself up somewhere else? What is the law in the country you’re in - can you just walk out of the lease and leave?

You aren’t his partner, you’re his substitute mother. Leave this man-child and move where you want to be.

Run. You will never be his priority and nor will any children you have. You won't get any support in parenting or the domestic load. He will do what he wants while you stay home to cook and clean and he will accuse you of being controlling for wanting anything other than entirely facilitating him.

I guess there's a reason you aren't married?

If this was a movie everyone would be screaming leave him alone/ dump him.

It sounds like he took you away with him for a comfort blanket. To stop him being on his own in a new country. I would get on the next plane home and go live my life. He is using you.

I don't think his behaviour is good but that's been fairly extensively covered.

But I think you do seem a bit like a martyr and that isn't ever good for a relationship.

If you want to stay and make it work, tell him you are coming on the walks. If you are stuck in the house all day it will do you good.

You'll be finishing at 3. How long does it take to make tea and have a quick wipe round? He's barely in your house so surely isn't making that much mess?

Or, as would be more equitable, start preparing your evening meal together a day in advance. That way tea is always quick and you can both get out.

If I'm going to be kind to him, it sounds like he is struggling a bit at work/has concerns about his status in the company. The walks may be his decompression time/provide him reassurance on the area you have moved to if it's pretty (as it doesn't sound entirely practical).

Your choices are move back home without him or throw yourself into trying to make it work. He sounds selfish but you do also have control over your own life and tying yourself to hours of domestic chores a day is a choice, you are not obliged to do this for him (and perhaps you have got into an unhealthy routine to fill lonely days in a similar way to him).

So you moved for your job? I can see why you compromised to be near his in that case

could he resent you for having to move and is punishing you?

Either way, you’re not compatible and he is showing you contempt

You should not ignore his behaviour!
and you are absolutely right to question albeit you already know the answer - you are not his priority.
Run run run away. So many red flags here.
your time is precious - if you want to have a loving family and children - you need to meet someone new who treats you well.

This relationship is dead op. He’s avoiding you and trying to delay the inevitable. Take the emotion out of it, end it, then come home to lick your wounds and move on. And for your next relationship, don’t be so quick to give yourself the domestic scivvy role.

What would happen if you told him that you were going for a long walk this evening and it's his turn to cook dinner then clear up? And that actually you will be alternating that task going forward?

For the love of dog, why do women keep doing this? Not blaming you specifically, OP, but it's 2026, we've had feminism for over half a century, and still women are running around skivvying for men as if it's the 1950s, only now they're out earning as well.

OP, your boyfriend is a selfish, insensitive bully. He won't change. For heaven's sake just leave him, then work on your self esteem and self respect.

Even if he were to "improve" temporarily it is perfectly clear he would resent anything or anyone getting in the way of his self improvement, upskilling, advancement, opportunities, fitness, ability tonspend time as he chooses, etc. Kids would be an absolute menace to his selfish priorities. You would be ground into the dirt by this selfish, selfish man.

Let him clean his own kitchen.

Move your hopefully highly portable skills to somewhere where you are appreciated. There are plenty of friends, flatmates and indeed men out there who enjoy sharing their lives. Your bf isn't one of them.

Hes destined for a lonely old age with just his skills and professional achievements for company I fear.