Boyfriend and his priorities..

[backtoplana]

AIBU?

My boyfriend and I moved to a different country a year ago, and due to trying to sort accommodation, jobs, visas etc, I’ve found it really hard to make friends here and am actively trying to branch out and meet new people.. but right now my boyfriend is the only person I have here and so I am not currently filling my ‘spare time’ with any girlfriends.

For the next month, we have been given reduced working hours so both of us are due to finish our jobs at 3pm instead of 5pm. I had asked him recently what we should do with our afternoons, and he told me he’s not leaving the office early and he’s going to stay there to continue working until the usual finish time.

I asked him why and he said he is trying to continue his learning and up spilling - which i understand and its commendable - but this is where I struggle to control my disappointment…

every evening without fail he will go on an evening walk, usually takes around 2 hours whilst I’m at home cooking dinner, cleaning, tidying up - and he often doesn’t get home until 7-7.30pm at the earliest.

EVERY. Single. Night.

I have tried several times to explain that I struggle with the fact we don’t really have any time together, he seems to prioritise work and the things that makes him happy whilst I stay home and make sure things actually get done - I always have his clothes clean, dinner on the table when he returns…

He says I’m being controlling and I should accept that he wants to spend his time his own way.

out of interest I asked him what the situation would be if in the future we had children.. would he still stay late at work when he doesn’t have to, go on his evening walks etc? He replied ‘yes of course I will do the things I want to do’ so I’m feeling really torn.

I am just sad that he doesn’t seem to prioritise or value me.

Am I being unreasonable?

I’m sorry why are you being this man’s servant ??!!

If you have dc with this man, you will be adding 100% childcare to your list of responsibilities.

I would dump him for constantly saying he's "upskilling". Before you know it he'll also be reaching out, touching base, circling back, taking a deep dive, moving the needle, running it up the flagpole, leveraging the synergy, and thinking outside the box.

Is this a case where he simply wants to spend every possible second "upskilling", so it's basically that plus sleep, commuting, work, eating the food you cook, and taking long walks, with everything else sacrificed? And you end up cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc. because you want it done, while he would be perfectly happy to let it go? If so, your only hope is to read him the riot act (sorry, I can't stop now!) and split the absolutely necessary chores 50/50 and let the rest go. The two of you should have roughly the same free time after work and other necessities, even if he wants to spend all of his, er, bettering himself professionally.

Whatever you do about the relationship, you're better off going out without him if you want to meet new people. Are any of your colleagues in the area? Even if you're all remote, you could propose a lunch or dinner or something. Or try a site like meetup, or Tinder Friends, or a local expat group? I don't know how you solve the transportation problem without moving but being close to his work would NOT be my priority under the circumstances. For now, is there any public transit? Or paratransit, if your physical condition would qualify you for it? Could you ride a scooter or bike? Or divert some money for a little "fund" to pay for taxis, ubers, etc?

Any man who calls a woman controlling because she wants to spend more time with him is a selfish man who just wants his own way and will manipulate you to get it. He’s trained you already not to ask for your needs to be met. You are also trained to be focused on him and his wants/needs and are minimising your own.

HE WILL NOT CHANGE.

If you want a lifetime of this, including doing all the childrearing and the domestic work while he does what he wants then marry him. But listen to your gut feelings; they are telling you to leave this man.

So he is making sure you cannot go out with him, come on OP, he is pulling a fast one. You’re an unpaid skivvy, he does not love you or give a shit. Start making plans to leave!

I echo this. OP you deserve so much more. Even if your self confidence / worth is perhaps (understandably) not so great at the moment.

Put him in the bin and wheel him about for bin collection.

You have the benefit of him telling you exactly who he is now. You should believe him.

@backtoplana unless I missed a post, you haven’t said much about the fact that despite you both working, you’re the one doing all household tasks. Why? You should be sharing the chores and he should be cherishing you!

If he's only choosing to do something you can't do, then of course he's being a prat who doesn't seem interested in you. Fair enough not to want to waste evenings at home doing nothing after being stuck at work all day, life is too short, but only going where you can't follow? Nope.

If you are not a priority now, you never will be. Don't you think you deserve better?

”always have his clothes clean, dinner on the table when he returns”

why ? What does he do for you?

It sounds like he’s checked out of the relationship OP. Go home and start again. You can find someone who loves and appreciates you.

Why on earth are you still there...

Sort yourself out somewhere else to live and fuck off - he doesn't care about you, he doesn't appear to even like you. You're just a bang-maid, keep the house tidy, provide dinners, provide a shag... what a luxurious life for him.

Stop it.

Do what you want, please yourself, eat when you like, go out and do things that you like, find other accomodation as soon as you can and piss off because there is no improving this, it will only get worse.

If you are not a troll then you are a mug. That sounds really harsh but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. He is using you. He's not interested. He just wants you to cook, clean and pay half his rent for him.

If you won't leave for yourself, do not bring kids into this relationship. It would be inappropriate to bring a child up with a man who doesn't care for his partner.

You need to toughen up and dump him before he sucks you even further into his lies and chips even more off your self esteem.

If children are important to you and you're not getting any older then why are you wasting your life with this misogynistic prick?

He isn't that in to you. You are not what he wants to settle down with.

He sounds just like my ex. It took me 5 years to realise that I was never going to mold into the little housewife he wanted me to be. Starting again age 30 was scary but I am so glad I walked away.

Are you sure he is not cheating ?

Being in a relationship has to include taking your partner's needs into account. He doesn't seem willing to do that, and your preferences about how to spend your time are not very compatible . Sorry but I don't see how this relationship can work.

Your responses are so frustrating. And you’re still home ever night cooking and cleaning and washing his shirts. Sit and plan your life entirely without him because he does not care about you. You are not even on his list of priorities and he tells you this every single day in his actions. What can you change today? What can you not do for him? Take him up on his offer for you to go out. Don’t cook when you get home late. If you’re only cleaning up after yourself you have less than half the work to do so can catch up.

You are unhappy, he doesn’t meet your needs, he doesn’t care, and you sound isolated. This should be an adventure surely?

Just go home.

There is nothing for you where are you are.

I don't understand why you aren't more angry and upset about this. You don't seem to think it's that unusual, that wrong, that he choses to spend every evening without you, doing something you can't do. And he's happy for you to do all the housework and cooking like it's 1950, even though you work too.

You work from home and don't appear to spend time with other people at all. So you're totally isolated. And he clearly doesn't give a shit about that.

If you have a baby with this man, his child won't be his priority either. He's told you as much. New parenthood can be one of the hardest things many people ever do. There's a reason PND is sadly so common. A baby can test even the strongest relationship.

And you'd be doing it totally alone, resenting yoir absent partner (who would no doubt still expect his dinner on the table and clothes ironed), and without the support of friends and family. Your daughter would grow up thinking it's normal to be pushed around and subservient to a man. Your son would grow up thinking that's an acceptable way to treat a partner (and his mum, for that matter).
Additionally, if you did separate and want to move back home I believe he could prevent you from taking the child.

Please, please do not have a baby with this prick. Please leave him, come home, focus on building back up your relationships with your family and friends, and work on your self esteem so you don't accept such shitty treatment again. You don't say how old you are, hopefully you will meet someone in time who treats you as you should be treated. But if not, there are ways of having a baby as a single parent and it would surely be better to go it alone with the support of family and friends and without this wanker who doesn't even seem to like you.

All the best.

I wouldn't dream of leaving the house to go for a walk without inviting my partner along.

I think YABU because why are you spending your evenings doing cooking and housework while he's going out for a walk? Go and do something you enjoy. Let him realise that clothes don't wash themselves and dinner doesn't appear by magic - and that you too have a life.

How about you stop washing his clothes and make dinner only for yourself?

Just come home. Whatever you have to do to come home, do it. This man doesn’t live, respect or care for you at all. Surely you can see that.

How are you feeling 'torn'? He's a dick. Why would you want a dick for a boyfriend?

This is going to sound harsh. You’re not the woman he wants to come home too so before he finds her leave. You sound young and you’re free now with little commitment or too tied down.