Boyfriend and his priorities..

[backtoplana]

AIBU?

My boyfriend and I moved to a different country a year ago, and due to trying to sort accommodation, jobs, visas etc, I’ve found it really hard to make friends here and am actively trying to branch out and meet new people.. but right now my boyfriend is the only person I have here and so I am not currently filling my ‘spare time’ with any girlfriends.

For the next month, we have been given reduced working hours so both of us are due to finish our jobs at 3pm instead of 5pm. I had asked him recently what we should do with our afternoons, and he told me he’s not leaving the office early and he’s going to stay there to continue working until the usual finish time.

I asked him why and he said he is trying to continue his learning and up spilling - which i understand and its commendable - but this is where I struggle to control my disappointment…

every evening without fail he will go on an evening walk, usually takes around 2 hours whilst I’m at home cooking dinner, cleaning, tidying up - and he often doesn’t get home until 7-7.30pm at the earliest.

EVERY. Single. Night.

I have tried several times to explain that I struggle with the fact we don’t really have any time together, he seems to prioritise work and the things that makes him happy whilst I stay home and make sure things actually get done - I always have his clothes clean, dinner on the table when he returns…

He says I’m being controlling and I should accept that he wants to spend his time his own way.

out of interest I asked him what the situation would be if in the future we had children.. would he still stay late at work when he doesn’t have to, go on his evening walks etc? He replied ‘yes of course I will do the things I want to do’ so I’m feeling really torn.

I am just sad that he doesn’t seem to prioritise or value me.

Am I being unreasonable?

I also think it is suspicious he works extra hours and then goes on walks....I would be wondering if he is actually out meeting someone else during this lengthy time.

Why are you with him ?

I am isolated as I don’t drive, so I can’t go out and meet people easily. We are living in a quiet area compared to where most Brit communities are located.

I don’t think he’s meeting anyone else as he doesn’t know anyone around here but he just seems to have an utter lack of interest in spending time with me and also can’t understand where I’m coming from.

We did speak about this a few months ago after an epic argument where he told me he was leaving me because I don’t let him do the things that are important to him. I have never stopped him going - but have queried it a few times.

If you want children, this isn't the relationship for you. I don't think what he is doing now is all that bad, a couple of hours walk in the evening when you have no childcare responsibilities is fine, 7:30 isn't late to be starting evening meal and housework for 2 adults. It wouldn't work with children though and he has told you he won't change. Stop wasting your time. Make arrangements to go back home.

You have had loads of good advice already.

Whatever you do, make sure your contraception is rock solid / on
lock. Dont bring a baby into this mysogynistic mess. Please.

He is treating you like an absolute doormat and at the moment you’re laying down begging him to wipe his feet on you.

He’s showing you time and time again he’s a selfish misogynistic prick who thinks his ways are priority over your needs and quite honestly doesn’t give a fuck about you other than as a domestic appliance.

You need your head tested if you even think about having kids either this arsehole.

If you were my DD I’d be telling you to jump on the next flight home and end this shitshow

What made you move and choose the area you are in?

it sounds like he’s a teenager and you’re his mum!!

We’re in this area due to proximity to his job. I work from home, so it made sense to be close to his company.

I actually think yabu to be honest because you're setting the tone here. Why are you running after a grown man like a skivvy? Just stop doing things for him and let him do them himself. Agree a equal split of housework and delegate it between you and only do what's on your list and let him do his own list.

I think moving like that is going to be very intensive especially at the start and it's quite normal to need your own time and space with that and taking a couple of hours for your mental and physical health is quite normal for many people after work - many people without kids go to the gym after work and he has invited you in on this. I'm not sure why you aren't going with him and are instead taking all other responsibilities upon yourself. he won't need to do things if you've already done them so you're creating a rod for your back. If he's visa dependent then it makes sense to me that he's working as hard as possible to secure his role and to save for visa applications as you staying there depends on that. Plus it sounds like work is probably his main social outlet at the moment outside of you.

Op honestly you sound quite dependent on him and I think you need to step back and claim time back for yourself. Join a hobby group or similar to meet people on your own and focus on doing things independently to integrate into this new community. If you're not sitting at home waiting on him you'll feel much more fulfilled and it may well take some pressure off the relationship in general.

If you've done that and you're in a good place with it all and he still won't spend time with you then you know its time to rethink things. But I think you're just putting a lot on this right now and it doesn't sound healthy for anyone and it doesn't sound like he's dealing with it particularly well.

Well that was a bit silly given he drives and you don’t!

first thing to do is move to a more convenient area so you can make a life of your own. He can suck up the commute - maybe he could combine his two hour walk with getting home

it sounds like you are doing all the compromising tbh

So he gets to do whatever he wants, when he wants and you are expected to just sit at home and wait for him? Because he's such an amazing catch obviously.....

Screw all of that. Learn to drive if you can, get involved in some community thing so you can make friends. Or give it up as a bad job and move back home. it doesn't matter what he says, words are easy. What matters is what he does, and his actions are very clearly demonstrating that you don't matter to him. Decide exactly what you want, then do that, because he always will.

So he dictates everything in your life and doesn't take into account your needs. If you don't drive then a consideration should be how you would be able to get around when not working.
He sounds like your captour - isolated away in an area where you cannot escape from, no friends, left to do the chores.

I don't know what you see in him and why when he said he was going to leave you didn't think good riddance and let him. He is not a catch.

He doesn’t drive. Neither of us do. I do definitely feel like I’m doing all the compromising and also suppressing my feelings to avoid arguments with him.

I would forget about the cooking and cleaning and go on the walk with him (if you want to). The either ask him to cook half the time and maybe sometimes just get a takeaway or something quick and easy (pasta etc.).

If the fact is that you prefer to be at home in the evening then I think you are incompatible.

Ok so why did you move? Was it your idea or his?

you wfh and he never wants to go anywhere at weekends. You may as well have moved to Bognor

How did it become your job to do all the housework and cooking if you both work the same hours?

1. You moved to this area for his job
2. He knew people in the country before you moved there (doesn’t matter where, he just did)
3. You work remotely and have no opportunity to connect with anyone locally
4. You don’t drive so are limited to being close to home
5. He constantly takes of Upskilling - no job needs that much.
6. He disappears every night for hours on end
7. You do all the domestic work
8. He won’t plan to do anything with you.

This isn’t a relationship, you’re his servant and I’d be highly suspicious of where he is spending his time.
I suggest you join him on one of these walks at random, just be waiting for him outside his office. Watch his reaction carefully when you do.

Bullet proof your contraception if you can't leave immediately and plan your return home. Why would you stay with a man who treats you like his housekeeper @backtoplana ?

I agree that this isn't a relationship, you're a servant

Why are you supressing anything to avoid arguments? So you can go on living a life you aren't enjoying with someone who is literally treating you as a slave?

So he’s actively shown you how/who he is and you still choose to stay with him / be his skivvy? Yes YABU. This man is showing you what he is and yet you still stay. Run and run fast. Please don’t have children with him either.

Believe his actions and words.
Don't keep him on as a boyfriend thinking he will change.

There's daily threads on here by women who chose to marry and have a kid with a man who openly didn't like them, then act shocked that he still doesn't like her and is a shit father.

You are making a rod for your own back here.

What do you get out of this arrangement? You work from home so you don't meet colleagues or go out much, you are living in a foreign country and are finding it difficult to make friends, you don't drive so it isn't easy to go out on your own, you do all the cooking and housework, and as a reward for all that? Nothing. Sod all.

He does no household chores, and buggers off and leaves you on your own for hours at a time, and when you say you'd like to spend some time with him he tells you that you're being controlling and trying to prevent him from doing what he wants. He has absolutely no consideration for you whatsoever.

I'm struggling to see any positives in this so-called relationship for you at all.

Do you hate yourself?? This man doesn't even like you and treats you with absolute disdain. Be grateful you do not have children with him.

He’s telling you plainly who he is. What his priorities are.

It’s clear he couldn’t care less, letting you do all the housework then not even wanting to spend any time with you.
honestly you are worth so much more, so don’t accept a life like this.