Boyfriend and his priorities..

[backtoplana]

AIBU?

My boyfriend and I moved to a different country a year ago, and due to trying to sort accommodation, jobs, visas etc, I’ve found it really hard to make friends here and am actively trying to branch out and meet new people.. but right now my boyfriend is the only person I have here and so I am not currently filling my ‘spare time’ with any girlfriends.

For the next month, we have been given reduced working hours so both of us are due to finish our jobs at 3pm instead of 5pm. I had asked him recently what we should do with our afternoons, and he told me he’s not leaving the office early and he’s going to stay there to continue working until the usual finish time.

I asked him why and he said he is trying to continue his learning and up spilling - which i understand and its commendable - but this is where I struggle to control my disappointment…

every evening without fail he will go on an evening walk, usually takes around 2 hours whilst I’m at home cooking dinner, cleaning, tidying up - and he often doesn’t get home until 7-7.30pm at the earliest.

EVERY. Single. Night.

I have tried several times to explain that I struggle with the fact we don’t really have any time together, he seems to prioritise work and the things that makes him happy whilst I stay home and make sure things actually get done - I always have his clothes clean, dinner on the table when he returns…

He says I’m being controlling and I should accept that he wants to spend his time his own way.

out of interest I asked him what the situation would be if in the future we had children.. would he still stay late at work when he doesn’t have to, go on his evening walks etc? He replied ‘yes of course I will do the things I want to do’ so I’m feeling really torn.

I am just sad that he doesn’t seem to prioritise or value me.

Am I being unreasonable?

It's clear as day what his priorities are and how this will proceed if you let it. There's no world in which he changes because you want him to and have done all this running around for him and are lonely. He did what he wanted, he does what he wants and he'll continue to do what he wants. You either suck it up (don't do this) or you realise how it is, cut your losses and leave (do this). Some third way where you hang on in there, cleaning and cooking and being lonely and the solution magically evolves is not going to happen.

Leave him there to up-skill and walk, move back to where you have friends/support, learn to drive and to prioritise your own needs then start over with someone more compatible who wants the same things and you're on the same team together. He is not the one. He's not necessarily a bad person or wrong for wanting what he wants, but it's no use to you and it will no last no matter how much you give up for him.

@backtoplana you need to ditch this absolute wanker and come home, ASAP. That’s the very best thing to do. You are wasting your life as a skivvy for this complete waste of space.

The point you brought up about kids is a good one and very telling.

You’ll need even more support at that time, and you’ll be sure to not get it and to do all childcare, house chores, cooking and more, because he has his things that he “needs to do”.

A great boyfriend or partner would jump to spend a bit of time after work during reduced hours, to do fun things or spend time together imo, even if it’s a day a week. Eapwcially if tou moved to a new area.

It’s a glimpse into the future. This person only looks after their own needs.

You are not one of his priorities.

Your children would not be one of his priorities.

Cut your losses and leave. He has no intention of adjusting his behaviour, and you are not being unreasonable to expect to be a priority within your relationship. There's no future if you are not working towards the same goals, and he is not on the same team as you. You cannot fix this. It sucks, but it's not going to get any better.

What would happen if you say, went to the gym or equivalent and didn't do the housework and he came back to an empty house with all the housework and cooking to do? Have you tried this?

He has told you that you, or children, don't factor into his plans. Believe him.

Do you think he's avoiding you by staying at work for two hours when he doesn't have to and then walking for another two?

You should just move home to where you have family and friends and forget this loser.

Ramadan hours?

I think this is doomed, sorry. He doesn’t like you enough to spend his downtime with you, he doesn’t care enough that you’re isolated & miserable to compromise, & he’s signalling loud & clear that he’d be a shit, hands off dad.

I would call it a day now, if you want to be in a relationship with a long term future. Even if you don’t, he’s making you unhappy in the short term - so what’s the point?

Have you moved to your bf's country, or is it one new to you both? What about the language - do you speak it? Does he? Tbh, my heart sank when I read your post. The situation is a red flag for an abuser. They move you far from family and friends in order to isolate you. I hope I'm wrong. I wish you clear sightedness.

He’s moved for work and brought you with him to make his life easier. Bin him and go home, you are not his maid.

You seem to have moved countries to be an unpaid housekeeper to a man you don’t know very well.

If you both can’t drive why didn’t you move to a sizeable town with transport?

None of this seems well thought out. Did you fall for the romance of moving abroad for a man?

As you work from home it should be easy enough to book a one way ticket home.

This isn’t a good relationship OP. He doesn’t want to spend time with you, and he doesn’t respect you.

Don’t make your life small just to try to stay in a bad relationship, you’re wasting your life. Can you afford to live on your own/with flatmates in the country you’ve moved to? If not, can you think about coming home?

Separately, how does dinner and chores for two people without kids take up the entire evening every day?! You obviously shouldn’t be doing it all, but surely it’s no more than an hour an night to make dinner and do one chore a night like a load of laundry or a clean round the bathroom?

I very, very rarely echo the "leave him" comments as often they are just unnecessary.

But in this instance - leave him, go back to your family if you can.

This is not, and sounds like it will never be, a caring sharing partnership. The longer you spend wasting your life with him, the less life you will have to make another, better, life somewhere else with someone else.

so? he will be in the office and you'll be leaving 2 hours early - you can eat then. And then when you are both wallowing in shit, you can tell him there is no more walking alone or together until it's clean.

Frankly? leave.

Honestly, what is the point of being with him? He doesn't want to spend any time with you. He basically has a live in cook and cleaner he can have sex with. But actively chooses to spend his time elsewhere. For Christ's sake don't have kids with him!

Ask him to upskill his housework abilities by doing some cooking, cleaning and washing. He's taking you for a total mug I'm sorry to say - you're not his girlfriend, you're his live-in housekeeper. Stop doing all the house chores.

Actually I think I’d be tempted to get everything done by the time he’s finished his upskilling (as you have the extra 2 hours) and have your walking boots on ready to go when he’s home

i think his true colours would come out pretty quick!!

You’d be unreasonable not to dump him and move on asap.

Kindly, I don't think you're a priority to him. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. It must be incredibly isolating to you.

If you don't mind me asking, where did you move to? My sister moved to abroad recently, not knowing anyone in the new country, and has joined a lot of expat groups etc which have allowed her to meet a lot of people.

bollocks to that. OP does all the housework and cooking while he faffs around?

OP - are you in a particularly macho country right now? is there a cultural difference between you and your bf?

I meant to catch him out

’look darling, I’ve done everything while you are upskilling so I can come on your walk with you every night! Isn’t that amazing’ - I bet his response will be very telling!!

(also - is it him going on about ‘upskilling’? Because if it is then he’s an even bigger knob)

This is a perfect example of where a man has literally told you exactly who he is. The decision is now yours OP: either you take him at his word and break up because you don’t want to spend your life being his unpaid skivvy, or you stay and spend the rest of your life trying to change him into a decent human being.

As asked by multiple posts; what do you get from this "relationship ".

I see everything he gets, what do you get?

Honestly i'd would be making plans to exit. He doesnt luke yiu, he doesnt want to spend time with you, he sounds like he actually dislikes you. You stop him from spending time doing what he wants to do?? what the actual fuck? I think id have walked out there and then if my husband said that to me. He is actively telling you by his words and his actions that you are not involved in any activities he wants to prioritise.

But at least he has a live in maid who contributes to the bills.

Instead of pratting about with this loser, she needs to pack her bags and come home.

Well I don’t disagree with that. But it feels like OP needs him to tell her even more directly than he already has!!

He’s a user.

Bin him.