What is reasonable to expect of retired grandparents?

[Marmalady10]

My parents live in the same town, but probably make the effort to spend time with our teens maybe twice a year. They show no effort or interest in their lives. In the past I have invited them to navity plays, sports matches and presentations, but there is no real interest there. I have always had to hire babysitters because they let me down. I have come to accept that my parents only really show up around Christmas and holidays, and only then they might take them out once for breakfast, and last time my dad went a bit extra and took them to look at new buildings being built (his interest, not theirs). It feels like they only make effort to keep up appearances and tell their friends what doting grandparents they are.
They never message the kids to see how they are or how they got on in exams or important sports events. Am I expecting too much? What is reasonable to expect of grandparents living 5 minutes away? They are both retired, mobile, and in good health. We are the ones who always have to invite them over and take them out for meals, and this is never reciprocated. They do like to socialise a lot so I get it that they have their own lives but surely some interest in your family isn’t expecting a lot? When I have brought this up with them in the past they have been completely offended that I even suggested it, and then nothing changed anyway.

What was their patenting style like when you were growing up? Do you siblings/nieces and nephews?

I think that's piss poor of them and I'd be disappointed. I don't think that anyone is entitled to free childcare but in general I believe that when you care about someone then you make time for them.

For me there should be no expectations, you need to not place expectations on others.

if someone offers or wants to do stuff with your children or to baby sit that’s lovely, and yes it’s shit that they don’t want to be more involved, but no, you’ve no right to put expectations on them, you can ask, if the answer is no, as disappointing as it is, you need to accept it.

It's very disappointing and hurtful OP. I would try to start matching their energy and not really caring what they do.

There shouldn’t be expectation, but it’s reasonable to be very disappointed by their lack of interest. I agree, match their energy and see how long it takes before they notice. Some people are just uninterested in anything outside their own immediate bubble. They often end up very lonely.

You'll probably get told you are selfish and self absorbed arsehole and no one owes anyone anything as thats how these threads tend to go.

But i think yanbu and this is really sad and this isnt how family should be.
And its okay and reasonable for you to be sad about it and feel a sense of loss.

My mum was my rock when both my kids were newborns. All my family help each other out (goes both ways) we're the only ones in the uk.
My aunt drove 3 hr round trips 2 days per week for about 6 yrs to look after her DSs kids. They dote on each other and are very close to her as teens / tweens and there are 3 of them 🤯 so she had her hands full.

I get untold joy from seeing how thrilled the kids are to see my DM. They run to the door and my ds looks soooo pleased when her gets to settle in on her lap and watch a bluey.
She finds it hard these days as her health means she can do a lot less now so she generally doesnt babysit or look after them solo now. Thats my choice to protect her health as they are 2 and coming up 4 so high energy. She does help in a pinch if oldest is sick and we need a day.

I'd be very disappointed if they lived that close and took so little interest in my family. As already asked, it would be interesting to know what their own parenting style was when you were a child. Did you have actively involved grandparents? Also, do you have siblings and are their DC treated the same way.

I think I'd match their energy and leave them to live their lives. Hopefully they won't suddenly find they need you in years to come when they're in need of any form of care.

I have a good relationship with my mum & dad so Id be saddened if they weren't interested in my kids. Not to the extent I expect childcare but my parents will always want to know about exam results etc (they would send "congratulations!" cards)

Do you ring them regularly and chat? Do they ring you?

The double standards of MN.
Todat's parents are encouraged to set boundaries, dictate who can and can't communicate with the children, micromanage all human intervention and 'go lc or nc' at the drop of a hat.
Yet when the granparents don't fall in line or are not that interested, it's them that are unreasonable.
They didn't ask to have grandchildren.
I am not saying this is the case here, but there is going to be a lot more of this in the future. You can't treat your parents the way MN often encourages you to then expect them to bounce back when you feel like it. You reap what you sow.

That’s total bullshit, I’m sorry for you. Fair enough not committing to a regular event but occasional babysitting is the minimum they should be offering you. I’m sorry you don’t have the support you deserve.

You're assuming a lot here. There's no indication the OP has done any of that.

I don't think there should be any expectations at all.
I mean it's sad the kids don't have a the relationship you'd like with your parents but sometimes that's how it is. I was never close to my mum's side but close to my dad's side.

In fairness, I think the people obsessed with being NC or LC are not often the same people striving towards a more integrated family life.

My ex father in law was exactly the same. Lived in the next town, used to drive to our area for the Chinese takeaway. Saw him there one night, my sons didn't even recognise him. As previously said just match their energy.....

This is always going to be a difficult question to answer so perhaps I can just make some suggestions.
Perhaps begin by considering your own relationship with them. Have you always got along, are you close, do you meet often, talk on the phone. Have you always done that? Do they like your spouse?
If the basic relationship between you isn't great to begin with then having children is unlikely to fix anything and probably makes it worse.
You need to be honest as well about your children's behaviour. I have friends I avoid because their children are so poorly behaved. I also avoid relatives whose houses are cold and I know this is the reason my parents don't visit my brother. His house is uncomfortable and freezing and my parents are very old. He also has very badly behaved dogs.
Perhaps they would rather just see you without your children. I avoid my sister because she always brings her daughter and grandchildren along to meet ups when actually I want to spend time with her.
I'm sorry if this isn't helpful.

I’m interested in this too. Were they interested, involved parents? Or do you feel they never much enjoyed being parents?

it’s odd that they’re so uninterested and I’d be hurt too. It’s not that there should be any expectation on grandparents but you’d think they’d want to connect with their grandchildren. Particularly things like checking in and congratulating them on exam results etc. Even if they lived hundreds of miles away, you’d expect that sort of care and interest.

the only thing that jumped out at me is you mention you always had to get babysitters because your parents ‘let you down’. Do you think they maybe felt pressure that you did expect them to be very hands on in looking after the kids when they were younger, and they’ve made a conscious decision to step back? I can imagine that living 5 minutes away, they may have worried that their lives would become restricted and they’d end up having regular commitments to look after your children. You mention they are retired and in good health - but frankly, any couple who get to retirement together and are still fit and active- well, that’s their time, their opportunity to travel, take up new hobbies etc

that’s the only reason I can think of that might be underlying some of this. However, it doesn’t explain the lack of interest and contact… that’s really sad. You’d think however busy and active their own lives are, they’d still be interested in their grandchildren’s lives.

I always made time for my GC, babysat, took them on holiday, took them to dentist/ doctor, picked up from school, fed them and cared for them. It was much appreciated by their parents. Now? Now....aforesaid GC are late teens and have bfs/gfs and are too busy with life to give me a look in apart from answering the odd text - it's like empty-nest syndrome all over again. I know it's natural and I'm happy for them, but, now mid-70s, I'm a bit lost and sad - perhaps if I'd been more like OP's parents I wouldn't feel as bereft?! It sounds as though they have their life sorted and just aren't that bothered - there must be a happy medium.

That’s a shame & as others have said just step back - they might be surprised when nobody helps them out when they need it.

Are they involved with other grand children?

Do your DH parents show more interest?

I literally could’ve written this same post about my own situation. Currently lying here in bed stewing on it actually. I totally understand how you feel and empathise.

I also only live five minutes from my own parents - elderly but fit, healthy and active. They spend a lot of time with their other set of grandchildren who are young and live in the same village. But my two children (teens) dont get any effort made to spend time with them. Unless I invite them to come to us for lunches or dinners they don’t spend time with them at all.

Hurtful to say the least.

On Mumsnet the belief is that ageing parents must not expect help from their children or even regular visits or calls. That it is not the responsibility of the younger generation to step up.
I would say therefore that it works both ways .

Hello @Marmalady10

i could have written your post. I don’t think I have much to offer but I’d just like to acknowledge how painful it can seem at times,

My parents also retired and in good health but spend no time with my children. Unless of course we visit them, or they pop-in to ours if they happen to be near. But then it’s usually a quick visit to say hello, maybe a quick cup of tea and then leave. My parents have never offered to take the (now teens) out for a McDonald’s or anything similar. They’ve rarely celebrated their success & show no interest in their likes and dislikes. In the past it has caused me much pain but I’ve made my peace with it now. I have to just accept this is how it is. On the plus side, my children don’t know any different so they just kind of think that’s what grandparents are like. O have shielded them from my hurt.

After much reflection I’ve put it down to their rather difficult childhoods and lack of awareness and understanding. Tis very sad.

The thing is, I know if o asked them for help, they most definitely would but in the rare occasions this has happened, I have had to plan/organise it military style so now I tend not to bother. Easier to just crack on & manage ourselves.

I’ve made my peace with the fact that’s it not my job to foster relationships between my parents & my children. That is their job and I think they do the best with what they’ve got. I don’t doubt for a second how much they love their grandchildren, I just don’t think they’re very good at some of the other stuff I hoped they’d be good at.

im not proud of this but sometimes I’m envious when I see parents of friends taking the grandkids out for a bite to eat, or to the cinema, or just generally getting involved in things to kids enjoy. have wiped away many a silent tear.

So, that as rather a long winded way of saying you either need to get in about it & take charge and be responsible for the relationship between your kids and your parents. Or you just accept what it is and allow it to be.

Why are you making the effort to invite them for meals etc if it’s never reciprocated. I agree you need to match their energy.

I know this is so disappointing for you but they aren’t who you want or need them to be, you have to accept it and stop trying.

They’re offended because they know it’s true and if they’re giving off the impression they’re doting grandparents they certainly won’t want you to destroy that image.

I have nothing to do with my MIL because she’s a very unpleasant person, and has been awful towards me. I will not be the one helping her when she’s elderly and can’t manage. You reap what you sow.

No expectations from me. Whatever they want.

But what has OP sowed? Did we miss it in her post? You must have background information on OP’s family that we don’t know about. Please share.

Tbf my parents have always been very social and my sister and I spent a lot of our time at other people’s houses.
We never grew up with grandparents of our own, and my siblings’ children are treated the same way, although she lives further away from them.
I guess I just hoped that when they retired they might become more family focused and want to make the most of time they missed when they were working.